


Embers in Your Shadow

by cafemeow



Series: ️🔥 Embers in Your Shadow ️🔥 [1]
Category: Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Action & Romance, Angst and Romance, Childhood Friends, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Interspecies Romance, Major Original Character(s), Multi, Romance, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28601286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafemeow/pseuds/cafemeow
Summary: In Hell, imps are the lowest of the low in society, but what happens when one starts an assassin business? This happens! Follow Blitzo (the 'o' is silent) as he attempts to run a startup killing company in a very competitive market, along with his weapons specialist Moxxie, his powerhouse Millie, his receptionist hellhound Loona, his marketing manager hellcat Connie, and his close-range assassin and lookout hellcat Heather. With the help of an ancient book obtained by one of the princes of Hell, Stolas, they manage to make their work possible and together they attempt to survive each other while trying to keep their business afloat.A.K.A, a retelling of Helluva Boss Season 1 with my OCs, Connie and Heather, inserted into it. Plus a little extra ;)⚠️ WARNING ⚠️ this fanfic, just like the series, contains depictions of graphic violence, naughty language, and sexual content, and is intended for mature audiences. Reader discretion is advised!
Relationships: Blitzo (Helluva Boss) & Original Character(s), Blitzo (Helluva Boss)/Heather Barlowe (Helluva Boss OC), Blitzo (Helluva Boss)/Original Female Character(s), Loona (Helluva Boss)/Connie Viotto (Helluva Boss OC), Loona (Helluva Boss)/Original Character(s), Loona (Helluva Boss)/Original Female Character(s), Millie/Moxxie (Helluva Boss)
Series: ️🔥 Embers in Your Shadow ️🔥 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103336
Comments: 46
Kudos: 36





	1. Pilot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo, the founder and acting manager of the Immediate Murder Professionals (I.M.P), holds a company meeting to discuss new methods of attracting potential clients. However, things quickly spiral out of control when tension once again builds between the employees and their boss.

_**Welcome to Imp City** _

_Est. 1981_

The worn-down wooden sign was positioned just outside the city limits, beneath a blood-red sky that showered everything in a demonic light. Traffic was booming in the streets, and for miles around, the car horns of aggravated drivers polluted the air. Here, in the Pride Circle of hell, where a plethora of tall, monochrome buildings pierced the sky, there stood a single office tower unlike the others.

Judging by the height of the structure, one might assume it was the headquarters of a corporation, or even a large business. It was easily just as corroded as the sign near which it was built. A set of imp horns protruded from either side of the building; white spikes were on full display, fixated on the bottom, middle, and top floors. In the latter, a meeting was taking place amongst a small pool of employees; the sole workforce of the Immediate Murder Professionals, otherwise known as IMP.

Seated at a long, rectangular table were four individuals: two imps, a hellhound, and a hellcat. Standing before them was yet another imp, with large, curved horns that were nearly identical to the pair garnishing the outside of the building. This was Blitzo, the founder and acting manager of IMP.

Most individuals in his position would begin a meeting with precise graphs of data (which was, for the record, scribbled on the whiteboard behind him, along with a slew of obscenities and nonsensical paraphrasing), an introductory PowerPoint, or even a simple "how is everyone doing today?". This imp, however, was clearly not your average manager. He was the type to start a company meeting with a stark contrast to all that was considered "traditional".

And, sure enough, that's _exactly_ what he did.

"Alright," Blitzo began, "now I know business has been...a bit slow lately, yeah—"

He dramatically pressed his palms against the table, staring his employees in the eyes.

"And it's no one's fault, okay?" he continued, briefly flitting his eyes in the seated male imp's direction, "I'm not naming names here...Moxxie—"

Moxxie shot his boss a glare of sheer indignance, catching the eye of the hellcat across from him. She raised an eyebrow at Blitzo, her fluffy, striped tail flicking questionably. Her name was Connie, and as the one-woman marketing department of IMP, she was almost half-surprised that Blitzo hadn't named her, considering that it was her responsibility to spread the word about the company.

(Under clothes reference by lovekitty_mao.paws on Instagram)

"I thought you said you weren't naming names?" Connie prompted, cushioning her right cheek with her hand, "Besides, as our boss, aren't _you_ more responsible for this company's success than any of _us?"_

"That's—" Blitzo jutted a finger at her accusingly, only cutting himself off after he received a harsh stare from the hellhound at the table.

The hellhound, Loona, who also happened to be IMP's receptionist, was seated next to Connie, which was no coincidence, considering that the hellcat was her best friend (aside from her phone). In a rare moment where her attention was stirred by something other than her phone, Loona had opted to glare menacingly at Blitzo until he decided to shrug off Connie's comment for her sake.

"Touché, Connie," the manager imp acknowledged her, "touché."

"You owe me one," Loona muttered to Connie, burying her face in her phone once again.

"You didn't have to step in for me," the tabby hellcat whispered back, brushing her bangs to the side, "I can take the heat. Besides, he already knew I was right."

"Exactly," the hellhound smirked, glancing at her best friend over her shoulder, "someone had to shut him up. Would you rather listen to him talk shit about Moxxie all day, or get out of this dump at a reasonable time so we can go to Stylish Occult?"

"You're taking me to Stylish Occult?" Connie remarked, pleasantly surprised.

"Now," Blitzo continued at last, "does anyone have _any_ bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"

"What. About. A car wash?!" the female imp, Millie, suggested, leaping from her seat in delight.

"This is hell, Millie," Blitzo shook his head, "no one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Oh, what about a billboard?"

"We can't afford a billboard, sir," Moxxie pointed out.

"Helpful, Moxxie," the boss remarked sarcastically, swatting his underling out of his chair, "really glad you're in the mood right now—"

"He's right, you know," Connie interjected, pulling out a sheet of paper, "you haven't allotted advertising enough money to even _consider_ something as expensive as a billboard. There's not much to work with. And I'm the _whole_ damn _marketing department,_ so I think I would know."

"Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?" Blitzo snapped, snagging a remote control and using it to turn on the conference room's TV, subsequently displaying a series of clips, in which each of the group members brutally murdered a client's requested human.

Blitzo was shown clubbing someone in the head, while Moxxie shot another victim's brains out. Loona tore into a person's neck and shook her helpless target around in her jaws like a rag doll. Millie sliced a human's head clean off, effectively decapitating them. And last but not least, Connie finished off a man with unsheathed, razor-sharp claws, dispelling the resulting blood from her hand with a single flick of her wrist.

The group watched the events unfold wordlessly, mostly entertained, aside from Moxxie, who still couldn't wrap his head around the current advertising debate.

"Ah, those were good times," Blitzo mused.

"I don't need any reminding, sir," Moxxie retorted, "considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week...one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel _nobody watches."_

"I'm still pretty _pissed_ about that one," Connie admitted, "not only did you reduce the money I could deposit for my...confidential funds, the purpose of which will remain nameless...but you also overlooked the opportunity to add much-needed funds to the marketing department. Which, by the way, we might have been able to use for that 'billboard' you mentioned earlier."

"Uh, hey, excuse me," the manager objected, "what's obnoxious about a super fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement spits bullshit!"

"People _love_ musicals, sir," Mille chimed in.

"Exactly, Millie," Blitzo nodded, waving his hands about excitedly, "and we're basically doing a musical!"

"We can still do jingles, sir," Connie replied, "they're proven to work under the right circumstances. That being said, we can't spend our entire budget replaying them, as Moxxie pointed out, on an unpopular network. If we want to reach a broader audience, maybe we should start with—"

"Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?" Blitzo cut her off, deciding to guilt-trip Moxxie rather than take his marketing manager's advice.

"Sir—" Moxxie objected, only to be silenced as well.

"Because right now," Blitzo continued, "all I see is just my dad's _asshole_ talking to me, crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside!"

"Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?" Millie asked her husband flirtatiously.

"I—" Moxxie glanced at his lover, confused, "what?"

"I thought I knew you," Millie stuck her tongue out teasingly, her devil's tail curling behind her.

Moxxie rolled his eyes at her playfully; briefly, before returning his attention to his boss.

"I can't believe you, Moxxie," Blitzo shook his head in disbelief, holding up an extremely awkward framed photo of his employee, "after I made you employee of the month!"

"Okay!" Moxxie gasped, exasperated, "Sir...I'm _sorry,_ a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody _actually_ likes the jingles!"

"I liked it," Millie shrugged.

"Do not..." her husband facepalmed, "do not agree with him in front of me."

"Speaking of the jingle," Connie added, "remember the kid that Moxxie accidentally shot in that commercial? Is that _really_ something we needed to include in there? And the 'kids die for free' thing is costing us quite a bit of profit, when you really think about it."

"I'd like to go on record and say that incident was _Loona's_ fault," Moxxie sighed, "dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's _very_ simple."

"Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie," Loona rolled her eyes, while Connie stared across the table at her coworker discontentedly.

"Look who's talking, bastard," Connie muttered through gritted teeth, "you're the one who shot the wrong person, anyway."

 _"You_ sit!" Moxxie retorted, "sit on...uh...a...and the d—do your _job!"_

"Hey," Blitzo warned him, hugging the hellhound fondly, "now, we don't blame our screw-ups on Loona, okay, she didn't do anything wrong~"

"Are you kidding me, sir?" Moxxie objected, "She's awful!"

 _Of course you think that way about Loona!_ Connie thought, tapping her fingers against the table in a silent outrage, _never once have you actually taken the time to get to know her, much less show her some common decency! Maybe if you weren't such a tight-ass motherfucker, she might actually consider being nice to you!_

"Look, the point is," Blitzo interjected, "Loona is a valued member of our family, and we _don't_ get rid of family."

"We _aren't_ a family, sir!" Moxxie refuted, fruitlessly attempting to ignore Loona as she flipped him off, _"You_ are the boss. We are the _employees._ You treat her like she's some troubled teenager. She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!"

"That is _offensive!"_ the boss peered over his shoulder at him while he looked out the window, "Without homeless people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life."

"And he wonders why he can't pick up any chicks," Connie snickered, lightly shouldering Loona with her right elbow.

"Tell me about it," the hellhound agreed, high-fiving her coworker without looking away from her phone.

"While we are on the subject of 'family'," Moxxie continued, "can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?"

"Come on, sweetie," Millie insisted, "it's not that big a deal."

"Excuse me," her husband gasped, _"what?!_ Sir, you hid in our fridge. You _stalked_ us _in our sleep_ in the middle of the night. You recorded me singing to Millie _on our anniversary._ Just. Stop. _Doing._ That."

"It's getting out of hand on my end, too," Connie added, burying her face in her hands, "I can recall more than a few times where my privacy was invaded by my _own boss..."_

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"♪ Do I wanna know...if this feeling flows both ways? ♪"

Connie was singing in the shower, washing her fur with a rose-scented shampoo. Her voice rang out against the walls of the bathroom as she ran her fingers through her scalp, massaging the bubbly substance behind her ears. Here, there was no audience, and she was free to sing her favorite song in peace.

Or so she thought.

"♪ Sad to see you go...was sorta hoping that you'd stay ♪"

Just as she finished the end of those lyrics, she could've sworn she heard a masculine voice, quietly singing along with her. Assuming it was just her imagination, Connie kept, singing, rinsing out her fur and moving on to her bottle of conditioner.

"♪ Baby we both know...that the nights were mainly made for saying things that we can't say tomorrow day ♪"

Then, squeezing some conditioner in her hand, she belted out the chorus passionately, making sure to scrub her fur thoroughly.

"♪ Crawling back to you...ever though of calling when you've had a few? 'Cause I always do. And maybe I'm too...busy being yours to fall for somebody new... ♪"

And that was when the masculine voice became even louder. It wasn't just any voice. She recognized it from work. Upon realizing this, Connie promptly stopped singing, covering her mouth in embarrassment and whipping away the shower curtain to peek at the intruder. Sure enough, it was Blitzo, and though she had stopped singing, he hadn't.

"♪ Now I've thought it through...crawling back to you! ♪ Ah, good song."

 _"Blitzo!"_ Connie spat, her face redder than her boss's skin, "What the fuck are you doing in my house?!"

"Singing, obviously," Blitzo shrugged, "you're a little flat, by the way."

"How the hell did you even get in here?!"

"You left your window unlocked," the imp replied calmly, as though he wasn't in the presence of a flustered, showering woman.

 _"Get out!"_ Connie hissed, yanking the shower curtain closed, "Get the fuck out of here! And don't look at my naked ass, you goddamn pervert!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

On another occasion, Connie was relaxing in her living room, texting Loona. It had been a quiet evening in her one-story apartment; she had ordered a sushi platter and watched a movie before she'd received a text from the hellhound. They were now engaged in a conversation about the new outfits Loona had bought from stylish occult, as per tradition.

Connie snagged a spicy tuna roll from the remnants of her dinner, stuffing it into her mouth as she awaited a response from Loona, barely aware of Blitzo, who was watching her from her bedroom window. Tired of being ignored, the imp obnoxiously pounded on the glass, grinning like a madman.

"What the..." Connie murmured, prying her eyes from her phone to the window.

"Heyyyy Connie! I like sushi too!"

The hellcat had screamed at the top of her lungs, prompting Blitzo to do the same before Connie stomped over to pull down the blinds, still reeling from shock.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The third and most notable time Blitzo had invaded Connie's privacy had happened during a very bad time during her workday. She had been minding her own business when Loona had entered her office to inform her that she had forwarded her an email.

"Hey, Nia," the hellhound had greeted, leaning on the left side of her friend's desk, "sent you the link to that Stylish Occult sale I told you about earlier."

"Oh! Thanks, Loonie," Connie grinned, clicking into the email and looking it over, "wow, they have some real steals going on."

"We should sneak out of work when everyone else goes to the living world," Loona suggested, "you know, to beat those lame standing-in-line shit."

"Sounds like a plan," the hellcat agreed, "I don't have much actual work to do right now, considering that we don't have the funds to afford the magazine ads I was hoping for."

"Damn," Loona muttered, "Blitzo really needs to get his head out of his ass."

"Tell me about it," Connie nodded, "hey, while you're here, can I tell you something...private? It's important."

"I'm listening."

"Well," the tabby continued, "remember how I told you I was considering adopting a child?"

"Yeah," the hellhound prompted, "I still don't understand why you'd want to do something like that, but I remember."

"I've been thinking it over," Connie explained, pulling up a sperm bank site, "and I've decided that I wanted to have the baby myself."

"Are you serious?" Loona gaped at her, "You, a single mother, working a job like this? Connie, are you sure that's what you want to do with your life?"

"Yes!" the marketing manager exclaimed, "I've been trying to figure this out for years, and I finally have!"

She took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down a bit.

"Look...I know, you've been worried about me since you found out I wanted my own kid, but...as basically the backbone of this company, I typically get paid a decent salary. Enough to support more than just myself. I wouldn't be considering this if I wasn't ready."

"If you say so..." Loona sighed, "I just...don't want you to fuck yourself over, okay? You're still a young, sexy bitch. You don't have to do this right now."

"Well, that's the thing," Connie admitted, "I _can't_ go through with this yet. Getting a sperm donor is really expensive, and it's not guaranteed to work the first time. Not to mention how expensive building a nursery would be beforehand..."

"Hey, girls! Talking about getting laid?"

Both Connie and Loona snapped their heads up towards the ceiling, where Blitzo was peering down at them from a hole within it. Both hell-born creatures were furious, but Connie was more embarrassed than angry, and she hurriedly closed the tab she was in on her laptop.

_"Blitzo!"_

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"I now have to delete my search history every day," Connie concluded, "because a few months ago, I found out that Blitzo was _checking it_ every time I left my office."

All eyes in the room were on Blitzo now, who was still as unphased as ever.

"I don't see what the issue is," the imp shrugged, "something you guys don't want me seeing?"

"No," Moxxie denied the claim, folding his arms and looking away.

"Actually, yes!" Connie snarled, "The conversation you dropped in on between Loona and I was! There are some things about me that I'm not ready to reveal to other people!"

"Sir," Moxxie chimed in, jumping to his feet and jabbing a finger at his boss angrily, "what you say and how you act is totally _inappropriate!"_

"Calm down, Mox!" Millie gasped, lowering her husband back into his seat, "You're gonna have another panic attack!"

"I _am_ calm!" Moxxie whimpered.

"Shh shh shh, there, there," Millie assured him, petting the top of his head.

"Look," Blitzo shrugged off the outburst, "I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don't. Judge. Me."

"Oh I do judge you sir!" Moxxie remarked, "Quite a lot, actually."

"Mox, he's our boss!" Millie stopped him, before he could say anything worse.

"Oh no no no, it's fine, Mills," Blitzo added slyly, "your husband is just—how do I say this without being offensive—retarded."

"Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, _single_ life?" Moxxie shot back, raising an eyebrow at his manager.

"It actually does."

"The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage," Loona commented.

"No he's not, you _bitch!"_ Millie shouted, flipping the hellhound off with both hands.

"Do not talk to my receptionist that way," Blitzo scolded, "she's sensitive!"

"Yes I am!" Loona snarled, baring her fangs.

 _ **"Would everyone just calm the fuck down?!"**_ Connie snapped, her eyes reverting to their chaotic state, which stained them black with glowing blue pupils, additionally lacing her voice with an almost autotuned effect, _**"This is why we don't get anything done around here!"**_

"You guys are all fucking assholes."

Every eye in the room darted to a boy lying on a smaller table. It was the same kid Moxxie had accidentally shot, who had been revived by a set of paramedics shortly thereafter. He had lived, and the IMP employees had carried him back to their headquarters, not knowing what else to do with him.

"Oh shut up, kid!" Blitzo shouted, "You're lucky to witness this!"

"Ugh," Moxxie groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, "this company is such a mess!"

 ** _"No shit, sherlock!"_** Connie agreed, gradually calming back down, _"I can't believe I work here!_ Why do I work here?"

"Alright," Blitzo ignored the comments, "now let's get back to talking about my outfit."

"Nobody was talking about that," Loona corrected him.

"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling," the manager continued, "so how does it look? It's good, right?"

"It's been a literal hell having to pretend that I'm paralyzed so that you fuckshits wouldn't kill me," the kid cut him off, ripping away the medical cords attacked to his midsection, "but now I want that. I want death!"

"Careful what you wish for with these guys, kid," Connie warned, "they don't take requests like that lightly."

"I don't care," the boy continued, pointing at Blitzo, "you are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid. We're supposed to like clowns! Even the creepy ones."

"Hey now," Moxxie scolded him, "that's not very—"

"If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I would rip out your spine and ask you some shit."

"That's my husband you're talking to!" Millie positioned herself in front of Moxxie, her hands on her hips.

"That's your husband?" the kid laughed maniacally, turning his attention to Loona, "I figured you were a slut, but I didn't think you needed dick that bad! And you!"

"What?" Loona asked, her glare as indifferent as ever.

"Nothing," the boy shrugged, raising an eyebrow at Connie, "I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person. Speaking of which, she seems to be the only sane one here. Can I pet you?"

"Uh..." Connie managed a fake smile, tugging at her collar nervously "I don't think I'd be comfortable with that...if you know how we are..."

It was a little late for that, however, as the boy had already approached the hellcat and began petting her tail. It took every bone in her body not to hiss and claw him to pieces, and the rest of the group watched on in horror, knowing full well that this was very awkward and uncomfortable—both to watch and experience.

"Wow," Blitzo shook his head, "well, you know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit."

The other employees murmured in agreement, and Connie, her face completely flushed over, was only capable of a slow nod. It wasn't until Loona's phone buzzed and she smiled that everyone began to sense vengeance in the air.

"Oh, fuck!" the hellhound grinned, "Guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all."

"Who?" Blitzo asked.

"Him."

Loona pointed to the kid stroking Connie's tail, whose face melted into a look of pure horror as he took in what was happening.

"Me?" he gasped.

"Yep," Loona nodded.

"They wanted us to kill an actual child?" Blitzo shook his head in apparent disbelief.

"That's what they're saying."

"Well, Christ on a stick," Blitzo mused, pulling out a shotgun, "I guess there is a God!"

He pulled the trigger, knocking the kid clean off of Connie's tail and sending him crashing into the wall. The bullet had ripped a hole in his chest, and at that point, it was clear that he was undeniably dead. As the rest of the group began stabbing and kicking at him gleefully, Loona approached Connie, brushing her bangs out of her face.

"You okay there, Nia?" she teased, "I swear, that kid was like a fucking tick."

"Heh, yeah," Connie smiled, her face still as warm as ever for reasons she couldn't comprehend, "thanks for getting him off my ass."

"Oh, whatever," Loona rolled her eyes playfully, "wanna sneak away to Stylish Occult now? Shopping spree on me."

"You sure?" the hellcat intrigued, "That could get expensive."

"Not for us," the receptionist smirked, revealing a credit card, "maybe it's more of a Blitzo problem than ours."

"You're terrible!" Connie chuckled, following Loona out the door, "But I love it. Let's go buy some shit."


	2. S1 Episode 1: Murder Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The I.M.P get hired to take out a heroic homicide survivor. Meanwhile, Connie begins her search for a sperm donor, Loona being her only witness.

The _DERANGED CLIENT_ indicator atop the lounge room desk was rapidly flashing, but not a single employee was paying attention to the illuminated dashboard. They were too distracted by Moxxie, who was aiming a harpoon gun at an image of a human family. Loona, clearly bored stiff, held the picture in her free hand, using her other to text on her smartphone.

"Moxxie, stop shaking!" Millie advised, "You're gonna shoot our only hellhound."

"Wow," Loona replied sarcastically, "I feel so loved here."

"Well, they couldn't have chosen me to hold it," Connie shrugged, flourishing the arm wings of her new work outfit, "I need to stay _alive_ to market this business."

"Just take a deep breath," Millie coached her husband, "and let it out!"

"But..." Moxxie objected, "it's a family. Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?"

"I mean," Millie shrugged, "if that's what the client wants."

"Sorry, Moxxie," Connie agreed, "we can't miss out on any potential sales. Especially in the condition that IMP is currently in. Besides, more targets means the client has a higher fee to pay, which means we have more money in our funds, which will inevitably lead to more exposure and therefore, more clients. To put it simply, killing a family might actually be beneficial to us."

"Maybe, like, a shitty dad," Moxxie suggested, "or a mob family. That's understandable. But to eradicate an entire, innocent—seemingly in this instance—upper middle class family bloodline?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." the hellcat admitted, rubbing her neck nervously.

The mention of killing a family—the very thing that Connie secretly wanted to start on her own—finally began to tug at her heartstrings. Loona, too, seemed to sense the inhumane nature of that specific murder, staring at the photo of the human family with a look of sheer guilt. However, unlike Connie, she quickly managed to shove her feelings aside.

"Hey!" Loona refuted, making sure to leave the mother and baby in the photograph untouched for Connie's sake, "You don't know they're innocent. This kid probably sets dogs on fire, maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online, and _this guy_ —this guy _definitely_ watches."

 _"Exactly!"_ Millie nodded enthusiastically, "Humans are full of secret nasties! It's why so many of them end up here. But guilty and innocent aren't our business, Mox—killing who we're paid to _is_ our business. Shoot the target."

She kissed Moxxie's cheek, leaving him once again to position his harpoon at the image.

"I just think it's a bit excessive," he murmured, "we could be a bit more _selective_ is all."

At that moment, Blitzo slammed open the door to the lounge, dragging with him a pink, imp-like demon woman. She was very attractive: tall and intricately slim, sporting a torn black skirt and burgundy sweater, a yellow and red gem embedded just below the neckline. Two diamond earrings as blood red as her eyes dangled from her ears, and her long, silky gray hair was tied up in a black ribbon.

No one in the room had any time to fully embrace the appearance of their soon-to-be next client, however, as Blitzo's abrupt entrance spooked Moxxie enough to pull the trigger on his harpoon gun. The resulting arrow launch shot across the room, bouncing off the walls, knocking the aquarium tank of electric eels to the floor, ripping straight through the center of the family photo in Loona's hands, putting a hole in the desktop computer to the left of Millie, and finally, hurtling towards Blitzo.

Thankfully, the imp caught the arrow in his hand effortlessly, putting a stop to the silent panic in the room. However, as it seemed the fiasco wasn't yet over. The eels that had spilled onto the floor electrocuted the water they flopped about in, setting the entire room on fire. And the only words uttered after the incident were uttered by Blitzo, and paid almost no regard to the fact that the lounge room was going up in flames.

"Dammit, Moxxie, I just bought those eels!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

About fifteen minutes later, the fire department had arrived and put out the blaze, although most of the room had been scorched beforehand. They also managed to remove the dead eels from the premises before departing, as well as Mrs. Mayberry, who had hopped into a cab after arranging her payment with Blitzo.

"Bye!" he called after her, "And don't worry, we'll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!"

"You need to stop promising our clients free kills!" Connie facepalmed, "How are we supposed to make any money to keep this company and our lives afloat if you keep coming up with ways to give away unpaid business?!"

"When did you start implementing that deal?" Moxxie added, crossing his arms.

"When you set fire to my office in front of a _client_ you fucking dipshit!" Blitzo bellowed, "Now someone _please_ tell me that fancy book is still intact!"

"You mean our only ticket to the other side?" Loona replied, revealing the book from behind her back, "Yeah, got it."

"And that's why you're my favorite, Loonie!" Blitzo cooed, revealing a bone-shaped treat, "You get a treat now."

"Ew," Loona grimaced, "stop."

Taking the hint, Blitzo's tongue shot out of his mouth, and he grabbled the treat with it, swallowing it like a chameleon would a bug. Connie almost gagged watching the events unfold, clenching her tail in her hands and turning away. Loona wasn't amused, either.

"You're _so_ gross!" she growled in disgust, grabbing Connie by the arm and dragging her around the corner, "Come on, Connie, let's go back inside."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The rest of the day was quiet, as it typically was when Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie were out killing clients' targets. A distraction-less work environment; no nonsense, no one yelling at each other or invading each other's privacy...just the way Connie liked it. She sat at her desk, contentedly scrolling through the Sperm Bank of Hell's website, clicking through each individual available donor's profile.

There were demons and hellish creatures of all sorts on the site, from imps to hellhounds, and even hellcats like her. Connie still had no idea what species of sperm donor she was looking for, but she didn't intend to be too picky. In fact, even if she did find a donor she liked, it might be months, even years before she'd collected enough money in her private funds to actually afford the sperm and additional expenses that followed. Therefore, a decision wasn't mandatory at this point in time.

"Still looking at that website from a few months ago?"

Loona leaned on the doorframe, phone in hand, gazing at Connie from across the room.

"Yes," the tabby hellcat nodded, "I'm just getting a taste of my options. They might not still be available by the time I get the adequate funding, but at least by then I'll hopefully know what I want in a donor."

"Fair enough," Loona replied, positioning herself on the right side of the desk, "there's not much else to do in this dumbass office anyway."

She glanced at Connie's laptop screen for a moment. The profile picture of the donor being displayed was a muscular, tiger-like hellcat, with gorgeous ice-blue eyes that could pique any viewer's interest. His sleek, muted brown fur only added to the visually appealing spectacle, and even Loona seemed somewhat impressed.

"He's not too bad," Loona mused, smirking, "I'd fuck him."

"Loona!" Connie giggled, "Sweet Satan, why do you have to say shit like that in front of me?"

"Just to see your reaction," the hellhound cackled, "it's priceless! You have no idea."

"Well, you got me, alright? But that's not gonna distract me for long. Not when I'm in the middle of researching something as important as this."

Loona paused, her smug expression fading into a softer smile.

"You really want your own kid, don't you?" she acknowledged, "Why is that? I never got a chance to ask."

"If I'm being honest," Connie admitted, "there's a lot of factors behind it. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. Maybe it's because I really want to see a little version of me running around. But I think the biggest reason is...it just _feels_ right."

"It feels right?" Loona prompted, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Well," Connie continued, "I've always looked at other peoples' kids and thought, 'That looks like fun. I want to do that someday.' Like being a mom was something I was meant to do. I'm not really sure how to explain it. Some feelings are just so unique that you can't put them into words, and this is one of them."

"Hmph," the hellhound beside her grunted, "I'm starting to get what you mean. Usually I wouldn't say this, and you better not tell a damn soul, but...I can respect your decision, knowing how strongly you feel about it. Even if it _is_ a little hard to express."

Loona's reaction was about as close to sincerity as the hellcat had gotten from anyone in regards to her desire to be a mother. Most individuals weren't quite so kind. Some would even go as far as to shame Connie, either for the fact that she didn't want to wait until she was married to get pregnant, or because she wanted her 'first time' to be on purpose. Regardless, it was nice to finally talk to someone who understood and respected her intentions, especially since her journey would likely be a long and difficult one.

"Thanks, Loona," Connie smiled at her in earnest, "really. I appreciate it more than you know."


	3. S1 Episode 2: Loo Loo Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stolas hires I.M.P as bodyguards on a trip to Loo Loo Land. However, Loona has other plans, especially since Connie is involved.

"Any luck with those magazine ads?" Loona asked Connie, scrolling through her phone from her seat at the receptionist desk.

"Nope," Connie sighed, shuffling through the samples of her project, "it's so frustrating! I spent two weeks designing these, and now I can't even have them published! Maybe if Blitz hadn't blown most of my department's budget refurbishing the lounge, we would've been able to afford it..."

"I wouldn't have minded the lounge refurbishment if Blitz had _at least_ upgraded it a little," the hellhound huffed, "all he did was reorder the furniture, repaint the walls, re-install the same flooring and replace his damn eels. It's fucking _boring._ Were your ads any better?"

"I'll let you be the judge," Connie replied, handing her copies over to Loona.

Loona scanned them over dully for a moment, before her expression lightened. Her eyes widened with surprise, perhaps even impressed by what she was seeing.

"You made these?" she intrigued, smiling as she set the ads down on her desk, "I'm actually kinda pissed about this. They're almost as modern as the ads for Stylish Occult."

"Heh, thanks," Connie grinned sheepishly, brushing her bangs to the side, "that's what I was going for. To be fair, though, anything could top that God-awful billboard Blitz installed outside the building. It's _such_ an eyesore, and he went and bought it without even consulting me first!"

"I know," Loona agreed, rolling her eyes, "honestly, you'd think he'd put a little more faith into his only marketing manager."

"Yeah..." the hellcat muttered, the smile dropping right off her face, her ears and tail drooping, "sometimes, I wonder why Blitz still wants me around. He hardly ever listens to my ideas, aside from the TV ad he had me throw together. But that was only because it was something _he_ wanted to do. Is it because he thinks I'm mediocre?"

Loona glanced at her coworker sympathetically, her gaze softening. It pained her to see her best friend in such a self-conscious state, especially because of their shitty boss, who also happened to be her adoptive father. A tiny, anger-fueled flame ignited in her heart, and she rose to her feet, her eyebrows beginning to knit together.

"Alright, that's it," she growled, rounding the corner of her desk to confront the hellcat, "I'm tired of watching Blitz shoot you down, Connie. _You deserve better than this._ I know it, and I know you do, too."

"But what if he fires me?" Connie gasped, "I need this job, Loona, it's the only way I can afford to have a baby! I know you're right, it's just...I'm scared..."

"If he wants to fire you," Loona assured her, giving Connie's hand a gentle squeeze, "then he'll have to get through _me_ first, and you and I both know that he wouldn't dare. Come on. We're gonna go in there and talk to him right now, even if it means we have to kick down his goddamn door—"

"M n' M, Nia, Loonie, get in here!" Blitzo's voice rang out down the hallway, cutting his daughter off, "We're goin' to Loo Loo Land!"

"Loo Loo Land?" Moxxie could be heard intriguing, opening the door to Blitzo's office.

Hardly a second later, shattering glass could be heard, followed by Millie's excitable voice.

"Loo Loo Land?!"

"Loo Loo Land!" Blitzo repeated, the megaphone through which he yelled squeaking a little mid-sentence.

At this point, Loona had lost her patience with the trio of imps. Her fangs bared in an irritated snarl, she shouted at the top of her lungs, hoping to silence them for a moment.

"Shut the _fuck_ up!!"

"Guess that'll have to wait until later," Connie shrugged, secretly relieved that there would be no conversation to be had, "come on, Loona, let's see what he wants."

"Ugh..." Loona groaned, grabbing the hellcat by her wrist and leading her down the hall, _"fine._ But mark my words, you're gonna talk some shit into him sooner or later, or I swear to Satan, I'll do it myself."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Guard Stolas and his moody teenage daughter, Octavia, during their visit to Loo Loo Land. Surprisingly, this was the sole objective of I.M.P's visit to the Greed Ring. At first, most of the group couldn't have been happier that this excursion hadn't been one of Blitzo's "employee bonding" activities. However, the relief didn't last long, especially after the thought of going to the dreaded amusement park began to settle in.

The minute the I.M.P company van pulled into the rather empty parking lot of Mammon's Loo Loo Land, Connie had every idea as to what to expect. The amusement park, although brightly colored, was visibly dilapidated; one might even assume it was falling apart at the seams. In addition, the entirety of Loo Loo Land was geared strictly towards two demographics: thrill seekers and very young children, neither of which truthfully applied to anyone in the group, including Stolas and his daughter.

Moxxie exited the van first, opening the sliding doors on the righthand side. Stolas extracted himself excitedly, donning an apple-themed hat and a matching t-shirt and shorts, but Octavia was more hesitant, only emerging after her father waved her towards the gate. She groaned, pulling her beanie lower over her face while the other employees hopped out of the vehicle.

Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie were sporting very high-profile black suits and ties, with the addition of thinly-framed sunglasses to give the impression that they were official bodyguards. Connie had slipped on a similar outfit, but it was more feminine and work-oriented, and she had opted to not wear sunglasses.

And then there was Loona, who had refused to wear a bodyguard suit at all. In fact, the way she was dressed clearly indicated that she wanted nothing to do with said duties. She had selected a comfortable black crop top with her classic inverted pentagram positioned in the cut-out just above her breasts. Added to her pair of low-waisted jeans, the outfit was enough to blow Connie out of the water, but she kept her mouth shut. There was no need to tell Loona what she likely already knew.

"Now remember," Blitzo warned Stolas, just ahead of the group as they entered the park, "this is work and work only. Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted _bird_ needs, alright?"

"Hey, dad," Octavia intrigued, visibly disgusted by the comment, "do we have to—"

"Okay, yeah, hold on right there sweetie," Blitzo waved her off, returning his attention to Stolas, "if you try fuckin' my little ass in that park, I swear to—"

"You," Stolas mused, flirtatiously sliding his pointer finger down the imp's nose, "are _so cute_ when you are serious!"

"I'm literally going to be sick," Octavia muttered, crossing her arms discontentedly.

"Oh crumbs," Moxxie offered, immediately coming to the teen's aid, "I knew today would be a lot! What do you need? Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?"

He fished around in the fanny pack around his waist, retrieving several pill bottles as he listed off the bag's inventory. Last but not least, the imp revealed several hypodermic needles of a glowing, lime-green substance. Although his heart was in the right place, Octavia was unamused by his misinterpretation of her phrasing.

"That was _figurative,"_ she rolled her eyes at him, dragging her feet as she walked ahead of the group, "old man."

"Oh, right," Moxxie chuckled sheepishly, discarding the needles into a nearby baby carriage, paying no mind to the fact that it already contained an infant, "But she said it was _literal."_

"Moxxie!" Connie gasped, scooping the baby imp out of harm's way, "What were you thinking?! There was a baby in there; you could have seriously hurt him!"

"Yeah, Moxxie," Loona snickered, "you fucking _bastard."_

"Oh, jeez!" Moxxie apologized, albeit frantically, "I'm so sorry, I didn't think of checking first!"

"Okay," Connie sighed, repositioning the tiny imp to cradle him in the nook of her left arm, "just...please, don't do that again."

The baby giggled, his innocent yellow eyes melting the hellcat's heart upon her first glance. Connie gazed down at him warmly, cooing miscellaneous, comforting sounds as she moved her right arm to support his bottom. She caught Loona smiling over her shoulder, quietly observing her friend's motherly instincts kick in.

"Awww, look at you, Connie!" Millie purred, "You're practically a natural with kids!"

"Heh, yeah," Moxxie agreed, although there was a hint of jealousy in his tone, "she really is."

"You think so?" Connie shrugged, "Maybe you're right. That aside, what's he doing here, all by himself? Where are his parents?"

"Ahem!"

As if on cue, a female imp cleared her throat behind the hellcat, tapping her foot impatiently. Connie wheeled around to face her nervously, her eyes darting from the baby in her arms to the woman who had approached her.

"Can I have my son back now?" the imp grunted.

"Oh, uh," Connie nodded, hesitantly handing him over, "of course—"

The mother huffed, swiping the baby away from her and stomping off, leaving Connie with empty arms once again. She sighed, missing the brief sensation of joy that the infant had brought her. It had only taken her mere seconds to grow attached to that feeling, and now that it had been, quite literally, ripped away from her, she couldn't help but feel disappointed.

"Sorry, Nia," Loona placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, pained by Connie's disheartened expression, "she was kind of a bitch."

"Yeah," Moxxie added, careful not to get too close to Loona, "if it makes you feel any better, you'd make a better mom than that lady ever would."

"Oh, fuck off, Moxxie," Loona rolled her eyes at him, _"no,_ of course that won't make her feel any better! Because—"

She cut herself off before she could explain any further, much to the relief of Connie, who had crossed her arms self-consciously. However, Moxxie and Millie were clearly intrigued, and it was at that moment that the hellhound knew: she'd fucked up.

"Because what?" Millie prompted, shrugging.

Loona was about to make up an excuse to defend Connie's secret life goal, but the hellcat stopped her with one hand, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

"Don't worry about it," she assured Moxxie and Millie, "I'll fill you in some other day. Now's not the time."

"Alright, alright," Blitzo cleared his throat, "let's get back to work. We're getting paid for this, you know, and Moxxie's the one who's always complaining about salaries."

"Hey..."

And with that, the group proceeded. As expected, the entire time, Millie was gushing to her husband about the "nostalgic" sights and sounds of Loo Loo Land, while Loona and Connie took up the rear, watching her in amusement.

"Wooooow!" Moxxie's wife grinned, her eyes darting around the park to take in everything in sight, "I haven't been to this place since I was a tot! It hasn't changed a bit!"

"Same here," Connie shrugged nonchalantly, "I have a crippling fear of heights, but there were always other things to do here. I loved the petting zoo!"

"So if I dragged you on the gondola wheel," Loona teased, "you'd have a conniption."

"No!" the hellcat rolled her eyes playfully, "I'd just squeeze the shit out of your hand."

"I wouldn't mind that," Loona muttered.

"What was that, Loona?" Moxxie prompted, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Nothing, you limp dick," the hellhound spat, her cheeks heating up, "just keep walking."

"Oh!" Millie gasped, excitedly pointing at a hideously malformed animatronic dinosaur, _"LOOK!_ It's Big Woobly!"

Big Woobly, as he was called, was quite possibly the most unsettling animatronic to ever exist, even for hell standards. His entire face was twisted in the wrong direction, and to add the spectacle, every once in a while, he would open his mechanical mouth and release a terrifying, demonic shriek.

"Ah, perfect for the kids," Connie remarked, her voice laced with sarcasm, "nothing even _remotely_ mortifying or unsafe here. Ten out of ten. Bravo."

"That is...deeply upsetting," Moxxie agreed, nodding slowly.

"Oh come on!" Millie persisted, "It's fun! You've never been here?"

"No," Moxxie admitted, "theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots."

"Well hey there!"

With near impeccable and extremely unfortunate timing, the park's mascot, Loo Loo the apple, appeared behind the imp, scaring him shitless. He screamed, cowering on the ground in front of Millie, as the mascot introduced himself.

"I'm Loo Loo!" he greeted, "Welcome to Loo Loo Land! If y'all get hurt here, just _try_ and sue us!"

"Look! Via!" Stolas whispered to his daughter, "It's Loo Loo!"

"I have a question," Octavia addressed Loo Loo, perhaps attempting to look at least a little interested to get her father to be quiet.

"Well ask away, little girlie!" Loo Loo chuckled, sounding more like a deranged cowboy than a theme park mascot, "A-hyuk a-hyuk a-hyuk!"

"Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer's far more popular Lu Lu World?" Octavia intrigued, glancing at Stolas smugly.

"No?" the costumed apple answered, knowing full well that the rightful answer was precisely the opposite.

"This place _reeks_ of insecure corporate shame," Octavia concluded, folding her arms.

Stolas chuckled in slight embarrassment, hurriedly leading the moody teenager elsewhere.

"Why don't we go check out the rides?" he suggested, quickly changing the subject.

"That chick's creepy, huh?" Loo Loo turned to Blitzo, hoping for him to agree.

"Ah," the imp replied flatly, "wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes."

"What's that mean?" the apple mascot shrugged at the rest of the group, clearly unaware of Blitzo's innuendo.

"Don't talk to me!" Moxxie snapped, dragging his wife away with him as he rounded a corner in the park, "I know you're a pervert under there!"

"Let's just go catch up with them," Connie added, "he could be right, and I don't want to stick around to find out."

"Nah," Loona waved her off, "let's sneak off and do our own thing. There's got to be something in this lame park that piques our interests."

"Pfft," the hellcat rolled her eyes sarcastically, snagging a map from a nearby gift shop, "like what? This place doesn't even have a water park. Another reason why Lu Lu World is objectively better."

"But you know what they _do_ have?" Loona prompted.

"What?"

"The petting zoo you were talking about."

"What?!" Connie gasped, "They still have it? Be serious!"

"I am!" the hellhound smirked, pointing at a location on the northwest side of Loo Loo Land, "See. Right there, next to that Lawsuit rollercoaster."

"And here I was, thinking this trip would be a total bust," Connie mused, "I just hope the petting zoo didn't age as shittily as the rest of this park."

"Guess we'll just have to see for ourselves," Loona shrugged, "well, what are we waiting for? Let's book it before Moxxie decides to shit on our parade."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

No sooner had Connie and Loona exited the petting zoo that they nearly encountered Moxxie and Millie; the latter was dragging her husband on The Lawsuit, although he appeared to be having second thoughts. Loona, of course noticed this immediately, and as usual, decided to start poking fun at him.

"Heh," she smirked, "how much do you wanna bet that he'll chicken out at the last second?"

"Loona," Connie remarked, "I get that you don't like Moxxie that much, but...could you at least _try_ to cut him some slack every once in a while? Would you mock me if I was the one being dragged on a ride that terrified _me?"_

"What?" the hellhound replied, shocked, "Of course not! I'd beat the living _shit_ out of whoever dared to put their filthy hands on you in the first place!"

And then something unexpected happened. Connie's heart began to beat a little faster as Loona's comment sank in, her cheeks dusted a light shade of pink. The words resonated with her much longer than she expected, and she smiled sheepishly, brushing her bangs to the side.

"Wow...really? You'd want to do that?"

"Are you kidding?" Loona replied warmly, "Nia, I'd do practically anything for you. We're best friends. Besides, I'm sure you'd do much worse for me."

"Oh, shut up!" Connie chuckled, playfully shouldering the hellhound, "You _know_ it's the other way around. But your point still stands, I'll give you that."

"Alright," Loona mused, "you win, smartass. You win."

Hardly a second later, the pair spotted Moxxie and Millie on _The Lawsuit,_ plunging off a sheer 90-degree drop at a blistering speed, into a glowing green tunnel. Moxxie was screaming at the top of his lungs, clinging to his lap bar for dear life, but Millie was clearly enjoying herself, hollering excitedly as they emerged from the tunnel and over a series of airtime hills. Just below another point in the ride walked the same female imp and baby that Connie had encountered at the front entrance of Loo Loo Land, now joined by her husband and teenage son.

"Oh, look who it is," the hellcat snarled, "damn. It's almost like they can't give me a break."

Karma, however, tended to be a bitch, even in hell itself. It could strike at any time, and today was no exception. As a roller coaster car zipped overhead, a freshly-heaved pile of vomit coincidentally rained over the family of imps, covering them in the nasty-looking green liquid. Loona and Connie watched from a safe distance, at first profoundly disgusted, before bursting into laughter.

"Ha!" Loona smirked, "That's what you get, bitch!"

"Oh, sweet Satan," Connie giggled, "that's priceless! I can't _believe_ we just witnessed that!"

Promptly after the vomit-drenched family treaded past the pair, glaring at them disapprovingly, Moxxie and Millie emerged from the roller coaster's exit gate. Millie was just as happy as she had been at the start of her ride, approaching Connie and Loona with a childlike enthusiasm that practically bubbled out of her. Moxxie, on the other hand, wasn't looking so good, stumbling next to his wife as though thoroughly traumatized.

"Hey, you two," Connie greeted, "you totally missed it! That shitty mom we saw earlier got puked on, and it was fucking _hilarious!"_

"Oh, really?" Moxxie muttered, "what a coincid—urp..."

He wheeled around, heaving into a nearby trash can, his hands gripping the sides of the steel bin like his life depended on it.

"Moxxie!" Millie gasped, darting to his side and placing a steady hand on his back.

"Ohhh..." Loona remarked, snapping her fingers as she put two and two together, "that explains a lot. Whatever, it still worked out in the end."

"Loona..." Connie blinked at her disapprovingly, "I mean, you're right, but still..."

"Okay..." Moxxie remarked, recuperating from his motion sickness, "I'm definitely not going on any more rides today, but there's got to be something else in this overrated amusement park that we can do. Anyone have any ideas?"

"Hmm," Connie suggested, "not really. Maybe we should just take a walk around? You know, just to explore?"

"Oh!" Millie grinned, "That sounds like fun! Can we, Mox?"

"I don't see why not," her husband shrugged, "I'd take a casual stroll over puking my guts out again any day of the week."

"Ugh..." Loona grunted, rolling her eyes, "whatever. Let's just get this over with so I can go to Stylish Occult. This entire trip has been a literal hell unto itself."

The group had now arrived in the west wing of Loo Loo Land, where several smaller gift shops and attractions awaited curious visitors. Various booths lined both sides of the pathway, ranging from food vendors to carnival games, which displayed shelves upon shelves of plush prizes. One of these, in particular, was a target-shooting game, where the carnie manning the station attempted to entice the four I.M.P employees.

"Hello, hello! Step right up and win a _thing!"_

"A what?" Loona raised an eyebrow at the imp behind the counter, exchanging confused glances with her colleagues.

"Oh, look Moxxie!" Millie gasped excitedly, pointing to one of the booth's prizes, "A _thing!"_

The "thing" in question was some sort of plush purple penguin creature with imp horns protruding from its head, wearing pink overalls. The stuffed animal was labeled with a tag that read "THING?" as though even its manufacturers had no idea what they'd created.

"Oh," Moxxie remarked, glancing at his wife in amusement, "you like that thing?

 _"YEEEEESSS!"_ Millie squealed, "I don't really know what that thing is but I want that _thing!"_

"Finally," Moxxie replied smugly, handing the carnie a couple dollars, "some _thing_ I can handle. Okay! One game, please!"

The carnie rolled his eyes, using his tail to hand Moxxie a pistol with a cork projectile in the muzzle. Moxxie, already confident in his wielding abilities, didn't even bother to line up the shot, instead lovingly glancing over his shoulder at his wife as he effortlessly hit the target right in the bullseye. Unbeknownst to Moxxie, however, the target hardly moved. After making a "ricochet" noise with his mouth, he blew the black powder smoke clear of the gun, pleased with his marksmanship.

"Strike one, little man!" the carnie crooned, leaning on the counter between him and the group.

"But I _hit_ it," Moxxie frowned, glowering beneath the vendor.

 _"Hmmm,"_ the imp smirked, "I don't know what to tell ya, buddy. The target, see? It didn't go down. So yeah, no go, bro."

"But he did," Connie added, shrugging, "we all watched him do it."

"I didn't," Loona muttered, smiling to herself.

Moxxie growled in anger, fishing another bill out of his pocket. He grabbed the pistol and fired another cork, hitting the target dead-center, but again, it didn't budge an inch. Moxxie slapped the plastic pistol in annoyance.

"The Heaven's wrong with this thing?!"

"Oh man," the carnie cried mockingly, "a real shame I tell ya. Wah, wah."

"Another!" Moxxie hissed, slapping another bill on the counter.

While the imp tried fruitlessly to knock over a target, Connie and Loona scanned over the prizes. On the shelf next to the alleged "thing" sat a monochrome plush owl, which captivated Connie the second she set eyes on it. Loona eyed her flirtatiously, watching as her coworker's tail curled in admiration of the prize.

"Awww," Connie whispered, "look at that one, Loona! Doesn't it look sooo soft? I could totally put that plushie in my baby's nursery, it'd blend in really well with the theme I was going for!"

"Really?" Loona intrigued, "That's why you want it? You wouldn't just keep it for yourself?"

"Nope."

The selfless answer lightened Loona's expression, and she nodded silently in understanding, strutting over to the carnie while Moxxie was still preoccupied.

"Hey," the hellhound prompted, sliding a bill over to the imp, "I'd like a turn now."

"Sure thing, lady," the carnie winked, handing Loona another plastic gun with his tail.

"Mmm hmm," Loona hummed, positioning herself two targets away from Moxxie.

Lining up the shot, she appeared as though she might actually pull the trigger and let the cork within the pistol fly. However, at the last second, she hurled the gun at her target, knocking it clean over and smashing it to pieces. Everyone's eyes were on Loona, but she glared back at them nonchalantly, pointing to the owl plush.

"I'll take the owl."

"Excellent...choice," the carnie muttered, reaching for the stuffed animal and handing it to the hellhound hesitantly.

Loona accepted the owl, carrying it over to Connie and locking eyes with her, smiling while her back was turned to Millie and Moxxie.

"Here. I hope your kid likes it."

"Loonie!" Connie blushed, stammering as she took the prize and pressed it to her chest, "You didn't have to...I'm...that was really sweet. Thanks."

Loona gazed at her for a moment, arms folded, before she chuckled, adjusting her bangs.

"You're kinda cute when you're flustered," she teased, her half-lidded eyes practically glowing with amusement.

The moment, however, was promptly ruined when the carnie began chuckling behind the pair, admiring the large wad of cash he'd gotten from all of Moxxie's attempts at the target game. Brutus lowered his massive head beside Connie to see what was going on, a rumble growing in his throat.

"Wow!" the carnie snickered, curling one of the dollars in his hand into a cigarette and lighting it, "Man, you're really starting to make this sad. You know, if you suck, you _suck!_ Guess you won't win your _honey_ here a prize."

"Let me try!" Millie piped up.

She grabbed Moxxie's pistol and fired a cork at the target, which missed wildly. The carnie grinned mischievously, pressing a pedal under the booth, which caused the nearest target to collapse.

"Oh, look at that!" he shrugged, "Lucky shot, _baby."_

"Are you kidding me?!" Moxxie shook his head in disbelief, "You- you- you _charlatan!"_

"Hey uh, get lost, pipsqueak," the carnie shoved the furious imp aside, eyeing his wife, "I'm talkin' to the _lady."_

He leaned toward Millie and made a purring sound with his tongue. Millie immediately recoiled in disgust, and Connie immediately jumped to her defense, brandishing her claws.

"Piss off, you perverted jackass," she warned, "you don't want to cross the line in front of _me."_

"Hey, take it _easy,_ sweet cheeks," the carnie replied flirtatiously, "There's plenty of room back here for a three-way."

 ** _"What the fuck did you just call me?"_** Connie hissed, her eyes shifting to their chaotic state, tinting her claws the same shade of blue as her iris.

Before the situation could escalate any further, something—or in this instance, someone—crashed through the roof of the shooting gallery, crushing the carnie under them. After the rubble cleared, revealing it was in fact Blitzo, the group gasped, and Connie calmed down, satisfied with the results.

"Sir?" Moxxie blinked, surprised.

"Oh, hey guys!" Blitzo waved at him, dazed, "You should probably go uh, make sure Stolas is okay. I got some...unfinished business to take care of."

Connie, Loona, Moxxie, and Millie slowly turned around, their mouths dropping in shock. The entire park was going up in eerie lime-green flames, and from the wall of fire emerged a terrifying robotic clown, whose face was burning off as a result.

"A robot clown?!" Connie spat, clutching her prize in fear, "Oh _heaven_ no! Let's get Stolas and his daughter and book it!"

The rest of the group, save for Blitzo, nodded, taking off in the direction of Loo Loo Land's funhouse. Connie could feel her feet pounding against the pavement, propelling her as fast as felinely possible, but she still felt as though she was moving in slow motion. It was a race against time and flame, and she was falling behind.

That was when she felt the owl stuffed animal in her right arm beginning to slip out of her grasp. Hardly a second later, an emptiness that replaced its plush feathers sent a wave of panic over her, and she frantically skid to a halt, spotting it lying a few yards behind her.

"Shit!" she shouted, turning tail and rushing back for it.

Loona and the two imps heard their coworker's anxious cry behind them, and they wheeled around, their eyes widening as they watched Connie running towards the impending flames. But that wasn't the worst part. The hellhound's heart skipped a beat as her gaze flickered to the burning poles ahead, the wood of which was burning so fast that they were mere seconds away from caving in.

"Connie, no!" she cried, desperately reaching out to her.

By the time Connie had reached the plush owl, making a beeline for the group, it was too late. The poles collapsed right then and there, trapping the hellcat in a ring of burning wood. She screamed at the top of her lungs, surrounded by the ominous blaze.

"Connie!" Loona cried, "Hold on! I'm coming!"

"Oh, Moxxie, what do we do?!" Millie gasped, terrified of what was unfolding in front of her eyes.

"We have to find Stolas and his daughter," Moxxie assured her, "I hate to admit it, but...Loona will have to handle this. I just hope she gets to Connie before the whole park burns down..."

The pair of imps took off for the funhouse, while Loona scaled a nearby booth, one of the only structures that was still intact. Thinking quickly, she leapt from one structure to the next, her eyes fixated on Connie, who was calling her name in distress. At last, the hellhound landed atop the booth next to her friend's flaming prison, extending her hands as low as they could possibly go without risking a fall.

"Jump, Connie!" Loona instructed, "I'll pull you up!"

"Take the owl first!" Connie shouted back, hurling the carnival prize in the air.

Loona caught the owl, putting it to the side and offering her hands once again.

"Come on! Jump!"

Connie nodded, shrieking as she put all her weight in her hind legs, and pounced, digging her claws into the side of the booth. Loona dragged her onto the roof, handing her the owl plush and sliding off the other side of the building, sprinting to safety with both in her arms. When they'd finally reached the parking lot of Loo Loo Land, free from the threat of the fire, the hellhound set Connie back on her feet, panting from the effort.

"Damn it, Connie!" Loona growled, "Putting yourself in harm's way for a stupid owl! Why?! Why would you want to give me a heart attack like this?!"

"Because you won it for the baby," the hellcat admitted, managing a smile, "I want them to know what a good person you are when they're born! So they can look at the owl and maybe even name it after you..."

Connie sighed, hugging the owl in her arms in embarrassment.

"That sounded so selfish...you're right. I'm so sorry, Loona, I wasn't thinking—"

"No," Loona shook her head, her gaze softening, "don't apologize. It's _because_ you were thinking that you did what you did. You cared more about the hope that this baby will exist than yourself, and in a way, that's probably the opposite of selfish."

She paused for a moment, before squeezing Connie's right hand in her own, draining the fear from her exhausted frame.

"But you better not even _think_ about pulling a stunt like that again, you scared the shit out of me! I don't wanna lose my best friend...you're the only one I've got; the only one I've ever had..."

"Loonie," Connie assured her, pulling the hellhound into a comforting embrace, "to tell you the truth, I was really scared of losing you, too. Petrified, actually. But you know what? You got me out of there, and I'm okay now. _We're_ okay. Besides, you and I both know that it's gonna take more than a flaming amusement park to separate us."

"You better be right," Loona exhaled in relief, hugging her back, "but you better promise me that you won't run into fire again. Okay?"

"Of course," Connie purred, "I promise."


	4. S1 Minisode A: Weekend Rituals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connie meets up with Moxxie for the weekly departmental review meeting. Unfortunately, one slip of the tongue accidentally exposes the hellcat's confidential life goal to her coworker, leaving her little choice other than to trust the imp with her secret.

────── 〔📱〕──────

 **sashimi_kitty228:** we still up for today?

 **simply_moxxie:** Yes, whenever you're ready. It's the Hothead Café down the street, right?

 **sashimi_kitty228:** yep, that's the one!

 **simply_moxxie:** Great, I'll meet you there 👍

 **sashimi_kitty228:** okay! c u then <3

────── 〔📱〕──────

Connie slipped her smartphone back into the front pocket of her jeans, her teal laptop carrying case slung over her right shoulder. She was on her way to I.M.P's weekend departmental review with Moxxie, which was typically held in the Hothead Café down the street from HQ. Considering that Connie and her imp coworker were among the only three members, as they were some of the most punctual of the group, these meetings were typically very easy and coordinated. However, since the third member was on vacation, it would just be Connie and Moxxie today.

Rather than wearing her usual work outfit, like Moxxie would, Connie had changed into a casual, long-sleeved black crop top with a hole near the top of her breast. It was a comfortable outfit, combined with her faded jeans, and she would slip it on whenever she was relaxing at home, or didn't have anywhere exciting to be. Or, in this case, if she was simply going to meet up with someone outside of work.

The hellcat rounded a corner, brushing her bangs to the side and finding herself at the entrance to the café. She coolly opened the glass door, her fluffy tail bobbing behind her as she strode inside to have a look around. As she had expected, most of the dining area was filled to the brim with patrons, and the line at the register nearly stretched outside the building.

Thankfully for Connie, she had already pre-ordered her drink, which was awaiting her on the take-out counter: a frozen mocha cappuccino. She could already tell it was hers from a distance because of the chocolate shavings on top of the whipped cream, which she had requested as an extra to "treat herself".

After snagging her usual and a straw, from the corner of her eye, she could see an imp waving her over. The hellcat glanced over her shoulder curiously, smiling as soon as she realized it was Moxxie. He had reserved a table nestled in the farthest corner of the room; a booth, which was the pair's preferred seating arrangement to optimize their privacy.

Connie waved back, carrying her beverage across the dining room to meet with her coworker. She seated herself across from him, taking a moment to settle in and remove her laptop from the matching carrying case draped over her shoulder.

"Good morning, Connie," Moxxie greeted, taking a sip of his latte, "I'm glad _somebody_ could make it."

"Hi, Mox," she replied warmly, setting up her laptop on the table that separated the pair, "whew...at least we can _finally_ get away from the commotion at the office. It feels like it's been forever since our last departmental review. It's too bad Heather couldn't make it to this one."

"Oh, I get what you mean," the imp admitted, "for some reason, these meetings just aren't the same without all three of us here. And it's a shame _nobody else_ volunteered to take her place, like a responsible adult."

"Well, you know how everyone is," Connie shrugged, typing something into her computer, "Loona refuses to work on the weekends, and Blitz is...well, Blitz. I'm sure Millie would've come, but you already told me she was out getting a manicure. Which isn't necessarily her fault, because she planned it out a week ago, _before_ Heather scheduled her vacation days."

"Fair point," Moxxie agreed, "where did Heather end up going, anyway?"

"Oh, she's out on some fancy retreat slash reunion," the hellcat explained, "apparently, the Barlowe family is rich as heaven, so they all pitch in and go on a nice vacation once a year. This time, they picked Grayglen Beach. It's a luxury resort in the Envy Ring that ordinary people like us could only _dream_ of visiting."

"Oh, Satan, that place?" the imp across from her remarked, "Wow. They must be pretty rich. I thought only Princes could afford to go there."

"Exactly," Connie replied, leaning on her right hand, "I wish I had that much money. I would've been to get pregnant _months_ ago..."

"Yeah..." Moxxie nodded, his eyes slowly widening as he processed what he'd just heard, "wait, what about getting pregnant?"

The marketing manager raised an eyebrow at him, and that was when it hit her: she'd accidentally spilled her secret life goal to Moxxie. She gasped, both hands flying to her mouth, as though it could stop the words that had just escaped her mouth. But she knew full well that the deed was already done.

"Oh shit..." she muttered, "why did I say that? And here, of all places. Ughhhh...so much for keeping _that_ secret."

"So...let me get this straight," Moxxie began, "you don't want anyone to know that you want to get pregnant? Would you mind if I asked why?"

"Well..." Connie sighed, "I think I can trust you, so...okay. I'll tell you, but you have to swear that you'll keep it to yourself. I guess you can make an exception for your wife, but please, for the love of all things unholy, _do not tell our boss._ I'm not ready for him to find out about this."

"Of course," Moxxie nodded, "Millie and I can keep a secret. What else are friends for?"

"Good to know," the hellcat began, "alright. Here goes...Moxxie, do you remember when I saved that baby imp at Loo Loo Land?"

"Yeah, I do," he replied, "you were really happy when you were holding him. It was almost like he was your own."

"Well..." Connie continued, "that's the thing. I've always been so interested in raising kids, and I've been contemplating whether or not I wanted to be a mother for a long time. At first, I was considering adoption, but it hit me later that I wanted the whole motherhood experience, from start to finish. So..."

She paused, typing an address into the search bar of her laptop. A moment later, she spun it around, revealing the Sperm Bank of Hell's website.

"I'm trying to save up enough money to afford a sperm donor. Thankfully, I was able to use the bonus Stolas gave us to set up a small nursery in the bedroom of my apartment, but that's just the beginning of the process. I now have to prepare to pay for everything else: the costs of the doctor consultation, multiple insemination procedures, not to mention how many samples I might need to purchase before and if I actually get pregnant."

"That sounds really expensive," Moxxie remarked, "and you own an apartment, so you obviously have rent to pay. And amenities. And groceries."

"Yep," Connie continued, "so if my cost estimates are correct, the whole process might be around $2,000 to $4,000...and that's just for _one attempt."_

"Wow..." the imp murmured, impressed, "you must really want to have your own baby, if you're determined to go through all that bullshit. That aside, you haven't answered my question yet."

"Right," the hellcat acknowledged him, "I'm getting to that. Believe it or not, there's a lot of stigma around here when it comes to single mothers. I've had people mock me in the fertility clinic waiting room because I don't want to get laid first and see what happens. My parents have basically disowned me under the pretense that I'm a lesbian."

"Wow..." Moxxie shook his head in disbelief, "that's horrible. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Connie assured him, folding her arms, "they're dead to me, anyway. Parting ways was probably long overdue. Anyway, I'm just...I'm so tired of everyone riding my ass and jumping to conclusions because of a few stupid stereotypes. This is my body, and my choice. It's no one else's place to tell me what to do with it."

Moxxie listened to her rant silently; unjudgementally. Clearly, he was concerned, and he knew that Connie needed the validation. She had nowhere else to turn.

"I've gotten so much criticism towards my decisions over the past few months that I've decided to keep it a secret from everyone at work," the hellcat admitted, turning her laptop back around, "well...almost everyone. I confided in Loona first, because we're best friends, and I knew she'd take that information to her grave if necessary. So there you have it. That's the full story."

Connie glanced at the digital clock on the bottom right corner of her device's screen, her eyes widening once she realized how long she'd been stalling the meeting. The real reason why she and Moxxie were in the café.

"Shit," she muttered, "I'm sorry, Moxxie, we should've gotten started the departmental review minutes ago! It won't happen again, I promise."

"Hold on a minute," the imp halted her, drawing her attention back to him, "don't worry about the meeting. What you had to say was more important."

"You think so?" Connie intrigued guiltily, "I don't know, I feel like such a hypocrite. We were just talking about how nobody else wanted to come to the meeting, and here I was, taking up a good chunk of the time talking about something _completely_ irrelevant."

"Like I said," Moxxie continued, "it's okay. It was really brave of you to open up to me. Thank you for trusting me with something that important."

"Oh, well..." the hellcat smiled, his acceptance lightening her mood drastically, "that means a lot to me. Thank you, too."

"As for the meeting starting a little later than usual," the imp admitted, "I don't think we have much to worry about. You're such a good worker that you're probably ahead on your departmental report. That being said, we should still go over it, so let's get started..."


	5. S1 Minisode B: Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo recruits his employees to throw a surprise party for their returning coworker, Heather, who is coming back to work after an extended family vacation. Blitzo, however, appears to have deeper motivations for his warm treatment of her.

"I did it!" Connie chirped, entering the break room with the biggest grin on her face, "I finally finished setting it up!"

The energy in her voice immediately caught the attention of everyone in earshot, their gazes shifting to the marketing manager with piqued curiosity.

"Well, you're certainly in high spirits today," Moxxie remarked, flashing a casual smile in his co-worker's direction, "what did you finish setting up, Nia?"

"My future baby's nursery," the hellcat explained, pulling up a picture on her smartphone and motioning for Loona to join her and the imp couple near the reception area, "I snapped a picture in my apartment before I left this morning."

"Wow!" Millie gasped, marveling at the beautiful setup, "Oh, Moxxie, isn't it pretty?"

"This is actually _really_ impressive," her husband admitted, "how did you manage this? You know, with the whole paycheck situation and all?"

"Oh, I was already planning to set up a nursery a little while ago," Connie admitted, "before I got the idea to search for a sperm donor, actually. It took almost half a year to complete, but yesterday, I could finally afford to have the crib installed!"

"So you really _did_ keep the owl I won for you," Loona mused, "is it because it hasn't ripped yet, or because you want to spare my feelings?"

"Of course I kept it!" Connie giggled, playfully shouldering the hellhound, "And you know it's for neither of those reasons. I really appreciate what you did for me in Loo Loo Land, and I'm sure someday the baby will, too."

"Oh, it wasn't that big a deal," Loona shrugged, "all I did was knock over a stupid target."

"You _also_ saved my ass," the hellcat added, "you know, after Blitz's shenanigans set fire to the entire park, and I almost burned alive because I was being an idiot."

"Fair point," Loona shrugged, "that disastrous day is probably gonna be burned into my skull for the rest of my life, damn it..."

"We all know why," Moxxie smirked, winking at Millie.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" the hellhound snapped.

"Come on, hun," Millie elaborated, "admit it, Connie scared you shitless!"

"She did _not!"_ Loona huffed defensively, crossing her arms self-consciously, "I was just doing what any other concerned bitch does when their best friend runs into fire. And might I add that you two decided to leave us high-and-dry in that moment!"

"You know why we had to split up," Moxxie reminded her, _"someone_ had to go after Stolas."

"Alright, alright," Connie waved the pair off, "let's not start any petty arguments today. The important thing is, we're all alive, we got decent paychecks afterwards, and we can finally get back to work—"

"Everyone stop what you're doing and help me hang up this shit!"

Blitzo practically kicked open the doorway to the lounge, sliding a large cardboard box of faded lavender party supplies across the carpet, which bumped to a halt against the farthest wall of the room. The boisterous imp's unexpected entrance startled the rest of the group, and Connie quickly slid her phone back into her pants to avoid her boss's attention.

"Sir, what in Satan's name are you doing?!" Moxxie intrigued in annoyance.

"What does it look like I'm doing, dumbass?" Blitzo retorted gleefully, leaping on top of the couch to pin a banner above it, "Setting up a surprise party for Heather! Now hop to it, people, we have less than ten minutes until she gets here!"

The Heather in question was I.M.P's resident close-range assassin and lookout, and Millie's best friend since childhood, although she was still closely-knit with most of her coworkers. Every year, after Heather returned from her annual family vacation, Blitzo insisted that the company halt their workflow and throw together a very last-minute welcome back party for their returning coworker.

The complete and utter squandering of a perfectly good work day was something that Moxxie absolutely _loathed_ with every fiber of his being, but his yearly objections were nothing short of blatantly ignored; Blitzo's mind was made up. And when Blitzo's mind was made up, he was always intent on fulfilling whatever idea had been ingrained in his thoughts, no matter how impulsive or annoying.

"A surprise party?!" Millie gasped, her enthusiasm practically radiating from her very being, "This is gonna be so much fun!"

"Sir," Moxxie remarked, "we throw Heather a party every year. Don't you think, with that logic, that this would hardly be a _surprise_ party? Not to mention what a waste of company time this annual affair typically is!"

"At least we're getting paid not to work," Loona shrugged nonchalantly, "I can live with that."

"Oh, calm your tits, Moxxie," Blitzo remarked, smugly booping Moxxie's nose as he descended from the couch, "it's gonna work, we'll turn off the lights and everything. Now why don't you make yourself useful and make sure the ice cream cake is in the freezer?"

"Ooh," Connie purred, "ice cream cake actually sounds pretty good right about now."

 _"Sir..."_ Moxxie groaned, facepalming, "why did you replace the usual and much cheaper bakery cake with an ice cream version? You went over budget again, just like with those eels you bought for the lounge!"

"Oh, come on, Mox," Millie encouraged him, "it's not a big deal. Besides, you love ice cream cakes!"

"Yeah, but..." her husband sighed in defeat, departing for the kitchen, "ugh, _fine._ But this better not happen again without my consent."

"Yeah, sure, Moxxie," Blitzo replied absentmindedly, before addressing the rest of his employees, "alright, Millie, you're on balloon duty! There should be a can of helium in the janitor's closet, but if not, then just blow them up and hang them from the ceiling, we're pressed for time, so just work with me here. Loonie, get those streamers and garlands hung on the walls, and Nia, you and Moxxie set up the snack table!"

"What're you gonna do, then?" Connie intrigued, dragging a plastic table out of a nearby closet.

"Supervise, obviously," the imp shrugged, "I'm the boss, aren't I?"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Ten minutes seemed to fly by in a flash, and by the time the party setup was over, there was hardly a moment to spare. For a rushed team effort, the lounge was looking surprisingly acceptable, at least for decoration standards. Every light in the building had been dimmed, save for the room the group currently stood in, and I.M.P was (almost) fully prepared for their coworker's arrival.

"Perfect!" Blitzo grinned at the layout of the room, "Good effort, everyone! Now all we have to do is wait for Heather's grand entrance..."

A rather expensive gray and red car casually cruised down the barren avenue, pulling into I.M.P's parking lot. Its ignition died down as it settled into a spot on the west side of the office building, making it obvious that Heather had arrived, and the group had finished setting up just in time.

"...which apparently is right now!" Blitzo announced, hurriedly flipping off the lounge's light switch and ducking behind a nearby chair, "Everybody hide now! Go go go!"

For the remainder of the group, finding hiding places in the otherwise spacious room proved to be quite the challenge, which called for quick thinking. Moxxie managed to cram himself into a nearby closet, while Millie claimed the sofa before Connie could even blink. During that moment of disbelief, Loona seemed to have disappeared somewhere else, and the hellcat gasped, frantically scanning the room for any other fair game.

"Connie, get your ass out of sight before she sees you!" Blitzo whispered to her, "This is supposed to be a surprise party, damn it!"

"Okay, okay!" Connie hissed back, "I'm trying!"

In a silent panic, she finally decided to take refuge beneath the nearby reception desk. She crawled behind the piece of furniture, lying on her stomach in the space between the floor and the countertop, releasing a pent-up sigh of relief. Until she realized that it wasn't the _floor_ she was lying on.

"Uh...is that you, Connie?"

Loona's whispering voice hit Connie's eardrums, drawing her attention just a few inches below her. She found herself mere inches away from the hellhound's face, involuntarily locking eyes with her. Loona's blood-red sclera glowed in the shadows of the relatively small space, blinking back at Connie in surprise. The hellcat sincerely hoped this didn't shed light on how heated her cheeks were; it would embarrass her even more than she already was.

"L-Loona!" Connie stammered apologetically, quickly sitting up under the table and nearly hitting her head in the process, "I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were under here..."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Loona chuckled quietly, repositioning herself on her knees, "I'm actually kinda relieved it's you, Connie. If it had been _Moxxie_ on top of me, I would've flipped the fucking table with zero remorse."

"Loonie!" Connie stifled a giggle, "Sweet Satan, aren't _you_ sassy today?"

"Mmm..." the receptionist hummed, scooting closer to her, "but you like it when I'm just a _little_ sassy, don't you, Nia?"

"Guilty as charged."

Meanwhile, from the luxury vehicle outside the office, a lithe red tabby hellcat emerged, her thick and fluffy fur concealed only by a gray sweater crop top and fringed black shorts: Heather. She quietly hummed to herself, flitting her hazel eyes in the rear-view mirror one last time before shutting the car door and locking it. With a twirl of the keys on her pointer finger, she strode towards the entrance, ready to start her first post-family-vacation workday.

(Under clothes reference by lovekitty_mao.paws on Instagram)

"It's her!" Blitzo whispered excitedly, peering from his hiding place, "Okay, everyone shut the fuck up! Don't ruin the surprise!"

"We were already quiet to begin with, sir," Moxxie muttered from his place in the closet.

"Shhh!" Millie's voice cut him off, hushing him from behind the couch.

Just down the hall, Heather pried open the glass doors and entered the office, immediately taking notice of the absence of light the second she stepped foot in the building.

"That's weird..." the hellcat remarked, "the doors were unlocked, so someone has to be in here. Did Blitz forget to pay the electric bill?"

She slowly crept down the hallway, briefly peering inside each room as she strode past them and turning on their respective lights. The power was working just fine, as it seemed, and Heather began to think that she had been misinformed about the day on which she could return to work. She was almost positive that she had been told to come back on this particular day, however, so she kept searching the first floor.

Upon reaching the lounge area, she stopped, her hazel eyes glowing in the darkness of the room. Just as she was about to leave, Blitzo flipped the light switch, blowing into a purple noisemaker hard enough that the tip just barely touched Heather's nose, which notified the other employees to spring out of their hiding places.

"Surprise! Welcome back, Heather!"

"Sweet Satan!" Heather gasped excitedly, albeit a little caught off guard by the sudden jumpscare, "What is all this?"

"It's a surprise party!" Millie chirped, "For you!"

"It was my idea," Blitzo chimed in, motioning towards the foldable table with his thumb, "we got your favorite ice cream cake for the occasion!"

"Oh, you guys," Heather folded her arms modestly, "you didn't have to throw me a party! I use my vacation days for this trip every year. But I have to admit, ice cream cake sounds really good right about now..."

"Oh, you're telling me," Connie added, "I'll cut a slice for myself, while we're at it."

Before long, the rest of the employees approached the table, snagging slices for themselves before dispersing into different corners of the lounge. By the time Heather had finally reached the ice cream cake, Blitzo was already there, holding a slice out to the hellcat.

"There she is!" the imp mused, "The woman of the hour! Here, I cut this one just for you."

"Thanks, Blitz," Heather exchanged warm smiles with him, happily accepting the paper plate, "you know, I never got a chance to properly say hello."

"Ah, okay, here goes..." Blitzo shrugged, clearing his throat before playfully waving at her, _"hi,_ Heather! How was that?"

The red tabby hellcat chuckled, sinking the prongs of her plastic fork into her slice of cake, while Blitzo observed her in fascination. That adorable, down-to-earth laugh of Heather's warmed his heart every time, its dream-like association with the prolonged heat in his face sticking to his subconscious like a fresh layer of super glue. As per usual, the imp laughed along with her, trying not to get lost in his thoughts again.

"I didn't mean it like _that,_ silly," Heather purred, taking a bite of her slice, "still, that was pretty hilarious! You're so animated, Blitz."

"Heh," Blitzo smirked, raising an eyebrow at her, "you think so?"

"Well, sure," the hellcat shrugged, "I used to work as Prince Stolas's secretary, you know. His associates were so serious and polite all the time, which is fine, in most circumstances, but not on a _daily basis._ I actually made the mistake of dating one of them for a few months."

"You did?" her boss prompted, "Uh, were they a guy or girl?"

"A guy," Heather explained, "but I'm into both, if I'm being honest. His name was Thomas, I'm not sure if you met him before, but he's another owl demon, kinda like Stolas. Tall, handsome brown one, with these luminescent orange eyes..."

"So now you think this 'Thomas' is handsome?" Blitzo intrigued, making quotation marks with his fingers, "I thought you didn't like him?"

"Not _personality-wise,_ at least. Anyway, all Thomas and I ever did together was make out, sit on the couch, eat at other classy peoples' houses, make out again. I just...I could never get emotionally attached to him, knowing that I'd probably end up as a trophy wife."

"Yeah," the imp nodded, "I mean, I couldn't see _myself_ pursuing a future with a prim-and-proper bastard with a stick up his ass, much less a social butterfly like you."

"Exactly," Heather continued, "he was constantly avoiding the 'filthy public', not wanting to introduce me to anyone or anything other than his rich friends and their property, thinking it was the only way to connect with me...it was a _nightmare._ I became boring."

"Filthy public..." Blitzo huffed, "what a privileged asshole. You dumped him?"

"Yeah," Heather sighed, "what else was I supposed to do, stick around and die of boredom? I don't think so. I'm in no rush to settle down, anyway...having kids is out of my comfort zone."

"Understandable," her boss replied calmly, "but is getting laid out of your comfort zone?"

Heather cocked her head at Blitzo, staring at him as though he'd sprouted another tail. Her ear twitched, perplexed by the notion that he would ask her such a question.

"What makes you ask that?"

"Er," Blitzo's fingers rose to his neck, rubbing it nervously, "I was just curious. Sometimes, it's a little hard to keep up with your availability."

"Availab—" the hellcat cut herself off, finishing off her ice cream cake, "okay, my place in the dating scene is nobody's business. But...I'll tell you this much. I won't be on board with the whole 'getting laid' thing until I find someone I can _really_ love. I don't do one-night-stands."

Heather swallowed, dumping her paper plate and cutlery into the nearest trash can before returning her gaze to Blitzo, which was softening by the minute. Still, she maintained her confident bodily language, folding her arms as her fluffy tail swished to the side.

"If you really want to know why I'm still looking for the one," she concluded, "it's because I have very specific taste. I'm not here for random booty calls, I'm not interested in douchey behavior, and most importantly, I refuse to settle for just anyone so I won't be lonely. I have more self respect than that, Blitz. I'd rather casually experiment for the time being."


	6. S1 Episode 3: Spring Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blitzo's ex-girlfriend steals his parking spot, forcing the I.M.P to challenge her to reclaim what's rightfully theirs. Meanwhile, Connie's relations with one of the woman's own employees, as well as Loona's spontaneous attraction to him, bring about revelations concerning their friendship.

The I.M.P company van zipped down the highway, carrying all six members of the company inside. Loud rock music blared through the open windows and could be heard from blocks and blocks away, annoying everyone in I.M.P city as much as some of the vehicle's passengers. It was just an average morning for the group: Blitzo drove the van to each of the employees' houses, picking them up before driving them to the office.

"I love this song!" Blitzo shouted, obnoxiously starting to sing along to the lyrics the best he could, although it was clear that he didn't know all the lyrics by heart.

"You too?!" Heather chimed in, her tail curling up in excitement, "I thought I was the only one here who liked rock music! ♫ You were a spicy little demon with bleach-blonde hair ♫"

"Yeah, sing it Heather!" Blitzo encouraged her, grinning ecstatically at the fact that someone in the car had actually shared his taste in music.

Meanwhile, in the back of the company van, Moxxie clenched his hands over his eardrums, obviously annoyed by the volume of the rock song. Millie, however, seemed unbothered by it, rolling down her own window to let her hair blow in the wind. In the front seat, next to Blitzo and Heather, sat Loona and Connie, who were trying their best to have a conversation despite their current environment.

"So why did you request to take tomorrow off?!" Loona asked, shouting over the music, "Did you have a doctor's appointment?!"

"I didn't tell you the good news?!" Connie blinked in surprise, "Oh shit, I must've been so excited that I forgot! Tomorrow is my first insemination procedure!"

"It is?!" the hellhound gasped, "You finally found your sperm donor?! Who is—?"

"Hold on! Holy shit!"

Blitzo shouted over his daughter, frantically turning the steering wheel and slamming his foot on the brakes. The resulting jolt elicited a shocked scream from everyone in the van, petrified that they would crash into the hot pink car that spurred Blitzo's actions. Thankfully, they did not, and the van screeched to a halt...in front of the car, which had stolen the parking space Blitzo was going for. Fuming, the imp glared at the bumper of the car, which held a license plate with the words "sucks 4 life" on it.

"Oh, you _suck for life,_ do ya?!" Blitzo snarled, whipping out a megaphone and peering over his shoulder at the hellcat closest to him, "Heather, turn off that radio! I gotta teach this son of a bitch not to fuck with me!"

"Bloody hell..." Heather sighed, doing as directed, "Blitz, _please_ tell me you're not picking fights over a parking spot! Can't we try asking them nicely to move first? Blitz?!"

"Listen up you unoriginal pink cum dump!" Blitzo shouted into the megaphone, "You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick outta my parking spot!"

One of the figures in the car, a tall, magenta succubus with a luxurious fur coat, exited her vehicle. She was trimmed with hearts on practically all aspects of her outfit, and had star birthmarks on both of her horns. Long, flowing pink hair, which was lighter still than her fur coat, flowed over her shoulders, and she frowned at Blitzo. It only took a moment for everyone in the van to recognize who she was, including their driver.

"Oh shit..." Blitzo spat, "Verosika?!"

It was indeed Verosika Mayday, hell's most infamous pop star. She stood in front of the van, arms crossed, while blowing a bubble with her gum, allowing it to burst before speaking.

"Blitzo," she replied, emotionlessly staring the imp down.

"I should've known you'd be here," Blitzo growled, falling out of his car door's window, "I could smell fish for miles, which is odd, because I believe the nearest ocean is _three rings down!"_

"And I should've known you'd be here when I heard the amber alerts," Verosika retorted, pulling out a small canteen of what could only be assumed was alcohol.

"Oh yeah?" Blitzo smirked, "I'm surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab; I can still see you're a drunken whore, clutching onto that Beelzejuice bottle like it's the last cock in hell!"

"They let me out because I'm still famous," the pop star gave her hair a cocky brush, "and rehab is for sad, looser wash-ups. So...your sister says 'hi'."

"His sister?!" Heather remarked, glancing over at Connie and Loona, "He has a sister?!"

"Two, actually," Loona rolled her eyes, "but none of us have ever seen them."

"Why are you parking here?!" Blitzo demanded through gritted teeth, "This is the only parking spot my company has, so take your _tampon racecar_ somewhere else!"

"Actually, _prick,"_ Verosika replied sharply, pointing to the name spray-painted on the pavement, "it has my name on it. I'm doing a bit of freelance for the infinitely more successful companies in the building..."

As she continued talking, Loona leaned out the window, her eyes now glued to Verosika. Connie peered over the hellhound's shoulder, equally as mesmerized.

"No way," Loona whispered, "is that who I think it is?!"

"Yep," Connie nodded, "it definitely is. Your dad has beef with the pop sensation we went to see in concert for my eighteenth birthday."

"Is there anything else about Blitz that I should know about?" Heather sighed, "Because sometimes, I feel like I know a little _too_ much about him..."

"Wait..." Connie gasped, watching as a hulking hellhound exited the pink car and followed Blitzo and Verosika past the van, guiding the pop star into the office building, "is that...?"

"Is what?!" Loona intrigued, "Is who what?! You know that handsome hellhound?!"

"Vortex?" the lynx-point hellcat called after him, "Vortex, is that you?"

"Connie Viotto?" the massive hellhound's ears pricked at the sound of her voice, "Hey, look who it is! Didn't expect to see you here."

"Same here!" Connie grinned, rushing past her boss to meet up with him, "It's so good to see you, Vortex!"

"You know this guy?" Blitzo gaped at his marketing manager is disbelief, while Verosika took the opportunity to make her getaway inside the building, "Okay, Connie, you have some explaining to do right now! Don't make me take away your day off."

"If you fuck up tomorrow for her, Blitz," Loona shouted at her adoptive father from her seat in the van, "I'll kick your ass!"

"Ahem!" Connie cleared her throat, drawing everyone's attention to her, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my very special friend, Vortex! He's actually my official sperm donor, and we've already stored all the samples, but we've kept meeting up with each other ever since we signed the agreement all those months ago. We're actually pretty great friends now!"

"You wanna have a baby?!" Blitzo and Heather gasped at the same time, exchanging glances from across the parking lot.

"Yeah," Vortex shrugged, "I got into the sperm donor business because I wanted to help a lady out. I mean, I don't really want my own kids someday, but other people do, so why not?"

"And I turned out to be that lucky lady," Connie giggled, nudging the hellhound's muscular shoulder, "pretty crazy, right? I was half-expecting to have to settle for someone with traits that I wasn't entirely fond of...but then I found you!"

"Glad I could be of service," Vortex mused, patting the hellcat on the head in an almost older-brotherly fashion, "anyway I have to get going. Verosika's waiting for me."

"Aw, really?" Connie sighed, "Well...it was a nice surprise to see you on the day before my first insemination. Thanks again for agreeing to do this, Tex. It means so much to me."

"Hey, no problem," the well-toned hellhound shot her a final smile, "make sure to send me some pictures of junior when they finally arrive, okay? I wanna see what a stunning little pup or kitten they turn out to be."

"Can do," Connie promised, waving as Vortex departed for the office, "bye, Vortex! Hope to see you soon!"

"So..." Heather intrigued, stepping out of the company van with the rest of the employees, "now that that's over...why didn't you tell us about this sooner?"

"She was self-conscious about how we would treat her," Moxxie explained, "you know, with the whole single-mom thing and all."

"What the..." Blitzo glared at him, "Moxxie, you knew about this? Did anyone else know? Show of hands. Not you, Connie, you don't count."

Millie, Moxxie, and Loona raised their hands, while Connie nervously fidgeted her black collar with one finger. Blitzo groaned, face-palming and shaking his head.

"You know, Connie," Heather assured her coworker, placing a hand on her shoulder, "you can tell us anything. We're not just coworkers, we're your friends, and we'll always be here for you."

"She's right, Connie," Blitzo added, "you're forgetting _I'm_ a single parent, too."

"Okay, okay..." Connie caved, "but you _adopted_ Loona. I'm having a baby from start to finish, pregnancy and all. That's so much harder than signing a few papers and calling it a day."

"That aside," Loona prompted, "you know Verosika Mayday?!"

"Huh?" Blitzo replied, "Oh, yeah, her. Yeah, we dated."

"Was it before or _after_ she became a pop star?" Millie intrigued.

 _"You_ dated a pop star?!" Moxxie's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Come on, guys," Heather suggested, "lay off the man a little. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Blitzo rolled his eyes at the group, "why are you all acting like that's such a shock?"

"Hello," remarked Loona, "it's _Verosika Mayday?"_

"It's _you?"_ Millie added.

"I just..." Moxxie blinked, "is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?"

"I mean," Connie shrugged, "Blitzo did point out that she's an alcoholic."

"Okay," Blitzo growled, "you are all making this into a _way_ bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your stupid personal lives."

"You do that all the time, sir!"

"You do."

"Fucking hypocrite..."

"Uh-huh."

"They're right."

"What was the _sex_ with her like?" Millie smirked, prompting a look of embarrassment from her husband.

"Millie!"

 _"What?"_ the female imp shrugged, "It's a pop star! _You'd_ wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like."

"Touché..." Moxxie admitted.

"Okay, look," Blitzo spat, tossing Millie the keys, "let's just drop it! Millie, find a temporary spot for the truck. Loonie, Moxxie, Nia, Heather, let's go handle this shit."

"I still get the day off tomorrow as requested, right?" Connie called after her boss.

"Fine! Whatever!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"You think they saw me?" Loona asked Connie worriedly as they exited the elevator, "Fuck, I did my makeup shitty today!"

"Aw, you look perfect, Loonie," Blitzo purred, strutting past his self-conscious daughter, "like always."

"Shut up da..." Loona hissed, pushing Blitzo away as she realized her mistake, "Uh, Blitz."

The hellhound was so preoccupied looking herself over in her makeup mirror that she didn't notice Vortex standing down the hallway, and accidentally collided with his muscular form.

"Oh," Loona muttered, blinking up at Vortex lustfully, "whoa..."

"Hello again, Vortex!" Connie greeted, patting Loona on the shoulder, "You remember my friend Loona from the parking lot, right?"

"Oh, your hellhound friend?" Vortex smiled down at her, "Yeah, I remember you, but not just from the parking lot. Connie's told me so much about you!"

"Oh, really?" Loona blinked in surprise, shooting Connie a grateful smile, "Heh...that was sweet of her..."

However, Blitzo quickly took notice of the girls' conversation with the much larger hellhound. Judging by his shocked stare propelled by sheer fatherly concern, he did _not_ like what he saw. Thinking fast, he quickly jumped between his daughter and Vortex, glaring up at the latter.

 _"Hi,_ big man," Blitzo snarled, "where's your bitch-bag of an employer?"

"She's in her office," Vortex explained, pointing to a room across from I.M.P, which had been repurposed as a makeshift studio, "there wasn't room on the second floor, so they moved it here on this one."

"Oh come _on!"_ Blitzo cried, exasperated.

"Heh," Vortex shrugged, casually strutting away, "sorry, man. See you ladies later. Eh, again. We keep running into each other today."

"Oh no you don't, bitch," he growled, glowering in the presence of the makeshift popstar office.

"Sir," Moxxie offered, "how about you let me go in and try to reason with her? I don't really listen to what's classified as 'pop genre' music, so their status to me is—"

"Moxxie," Blitzo snarled, "shut the fuck up."

"Translation," Heather whispered to Moxxie, "yes. He just doesn't want to listen to you talk about Broadway all day. His thoughts, not mine."

"Alrighty then," Moxxie nodded, practically skipping into the Verosika's office.

"Moxxie!" Blitzo called after him, "Don't let her touch any of your holes!"

Hardly a moment later, Moxxie emerged from Verosika's 'office', his entire face covered in lipstick residue. The group stared at him in horror, their eyes following him down the hall as he collapsed, completely rattled.

"I...I gotta go lie down...now..."

"What the fuck happened in there?!" Heather gasped, "I sure hope Millie doesn't find out about this..."

"Oh, this won't _stand!"_ Blitzo snapped, kicking open the doors to Verosika's room, "Alright, sluts! _That's it!"_

"Hold on, Blitz!" Heather called after him, "I'm coming with you!"

The pair charged into the studio-esque setup, stomping past Verosika's entourage to face the pop star herself. She stared down her ex-boyfriend and his hellcat companion, a flirtatious grin overtaking her face in the most sinister way possible.

"Hey, pretty kitty," Verosika began, "what're you doing hanging around a bastard like Blitzo, huh? Did he use you, too?"

"E-excuse me?" Heather stammered, "No, of course not—"

"Come on, sweet whiskers," the succubus smirked, fluffing up Heather's cheek fur, "let _Verosika_ show you how a woman should be treated."

At this point, Blitzo was so infuriated that it took every bone in his body not to shoot his ex dead right then and there. To think this entire mess started with a parking spot!

"You keep your damn hands off of her!" he hissed, shoving Verosika's hands away from Heather and forcing herself between the two, "She has a hard enough time finding love without you forcing it on her with your perverted, booze-stained fingers!"

"Aw, are you jealous, Blitzo?" the pop star sneered, "Jealous that I'm _ripping_ your next victim away from you before you can seduce her like the tramp you are?"

"Alright, enough!" Blitzo retorted, "If you're gonna be shitty to my employees, then I challenge you to a fuckin'...challenge! Fuck, I said that twice."

"Mmm," a blue-haired succubus among the entourage hummed, "is this imp boy starting a demon duel?"

"I think he is!" Verosika leaned down to her ex's level, her tail curling up behind her, "What's the game, then, _Blitzo?"_

"Every year," Blitzo elaborated, "you STD-spreaders go up top-side for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds! So I bet you succu-bitches can't _fuck_ as many people as we can _off_ by the end of the day!"

At that, Verosika and her entourage burst into mocking laughter, in complete and utter disbelief of what they had just heard. Blitzo, however was dead serious, and he glared at them in a menacing stance. Heather, who had finally recovered from her flustery state, emerged from behind the imp, wearing a brave face.

 ** _"Don't laugh,"_** she hissed, slipping into her chaotic mode and unsheathing her claws, which were now glowing a bright red, **_"he means it. Or should I wipe those damn smiles off your faces myself, you bloomin' drongos?"_**

"Oh, you're serious," Verosika mused, slowly lowering Heather's hand, "b-t-dubs, that's kinda hot, toots."

 ** _"Get fucked..."_** Heather growled, retracting her claws and forcing herself to calm down.

"You wish," Verosika smirked, eyeing both of the I.M.P employees, "game on, _bitches."_

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

A few minutes later, a very vengeful Blitzo gathered his employees in I.M.P's conference room for a meeting. Heather, Millie, and Moxxie were seated on the left end of the table, while Loona and Connie mirrored the trio, still profoundly convinced that this entire situation was being blown way out of proportion.

"Alright, shut your assholes!" Blitzo spat, whipping through a series of presentation boards with various scribbles he had fabricated to introduce his plans, "Here's how we're gonna do this shit! First, we find a fuck ton of clients. We portal up. We have our fun murder time as per usual. We pile all the bodies into a big fuckin' canoe. We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles, and maybe a goose, too!"

"Sir," Connie cut him off, "where are we supposed to get a canoe big enough to hold that many bodies? And those kinds of animals are definitely _not_ going to swarm a burning boat with dead humans in it!"

"I'm not fucking finished yet! Anyway, they come and eat the bodies, we win the bet, and we rub it in that fucking bitch's drunken whore-ass face! _Now_ do we have any questions?"

"Uh, yeah," Moxxie raised his hand, "why was that nonsense?"

"That wasn't a question," Blitzo replied dryly, crossing his arms.

"That wasn't a plan," Moxxie retorted.

"Well," Heather piped up, "technically, it was _half_ a plan. I mean, at the very least, he could be on to something."

"Yeah, what she said!" Blitzo nodded, "Thank you, Heather, you're my new favorite. It was a _flawless_ presentation of what we should do, Moxxie. It's not my fault you've got a smooth little brain up there."

"A what now?" Moxxie raised an eyebrow at him, exchanging offput glances with Connie.

"Wait..." Connie remarked, "is he insulting you with your _own_ insult? I follow your Voxtagram, Moxxie, I swear I've heard you call him that before..."

"I'm calling you slow, Moxxie," Blitzo rolled his eyes at his weapons specialist, "God, why don't you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby-dicked troll?"

"Blitz!" Heather scowled at him in disgust.

"Well why don't _you_ take an art class?" Moxxie shot back, climbing up onto the table.

"Why don't _you_ see how _expensive_ they are?!" Blitzo spat in exasperation, throwing Moxxie back into his chair.

"Hey," Loona asked her adoptive father, "is there any way I can come with you guys this time?"

"If Loona's going," Connie added, "I'd like to go, too. It's been _ages_ since I had my last kill."

"Absolutely not," Blitzo objected, "I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie, spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of _freaks_ up there who'll drool all over you. Besides, Connie, don't you have some work to do around here?"

"What work?" Connie glared at him, "I busted my _ass_ doing everything I could possibly do with the marketing department. There's nothing left to be done! You _still_ won't allot me the funds to publish half of those things, because you keep blowing them on ridiculous bullshit that's hardly important to this company! I mean, I think I should get paid to do _something!"_

"Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough," Loona shrugged, "just let me tag along!"

"Wait," Blitzo instructed her, "say that again."

"I can... _blend in?"_

"You have a human disguise?" Millie cocked her head at the hellhound, perplexed.

"Yeah," Loona replied flatly, "don't you?"

The group exchanged embarrassed glances, aside from Heather and Connie, who had already known about the revelation long before anyone else. But not for the reason one might expect.

"Well, _they_ do," Heather explained, "Connie and I don't. Hellcats don't have human disguises. We have seven lives instead; it makes up for that particular shortcoming."

"Wait..." Moxxie prompted her, "you can die _seven times?!"_

"It's more complicated than that," the tabby hellcat waved him off, "there are certain... _circumstances_ that need to be met before we can use one of our lives. I'll explain some other time. It's a long story."

"You three have been screwing around in the living world this whole fucking time..." Loona pinched the bridge of her nose, _"without_ human disguises?!"

"Okay, new plan!" Blitzo announced, whipping out a fresh poster board, "Loonie can help lure the humans to us, and we'll take care of the rest! Okay? How about that?"

"That's...actually a good idea," Heather admitted, "well done, Loona."

"Flawless logic," Millie added, giving her best friend a wink.

"I think you're missing the biggest issue, sir," Moxxie pointed out, "isn't it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren't just going up to massacre!"

"I got that covered, Moxxie," Blitzo snapped his fingers.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"You're going to lower our prices _again?!"_ Connie gasped, her fur on end as she watched her boss pin a "50% off victim" poster on a nearby pole.

"Yep," Blitzo smirked, "now, we wait."

"Goddamn it!" Connie gritted her teeth, biting back her anger, "I'm _never_ gonna be able to afford to pay off those sperm Vortex donated to me! Why does life keep giving me inconvenience after inconvenience after inconvenience when it comes to my future kid?!"

"Aw, Connie..." Heather assured her, "try not to worry yourself to death about this. Maybe all these roadblocks are coming your way for a reason? You might even appreciate some good news even more because of them."

"Easy for you to say," Connie sighed, "you're rich as hell, and you don't _want_ kids..."

"Sir," Moxxie argued, "there is no way we're going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one, horribly-spelled, bad grammar flier!"

Loona cringed at the statement, daring to glance at Connie from the corner of her eye. It was enough to make Connie's ears and tail droop in disappointment. She buried her face in her hands; muffled groaning could be heard behind them.

"Way to go, dickhead," Loona rolled her eyes at Moxxie, resting a hand on her best friend's shoulder, "she feels _so_ much better now that you've convinced her it's hopeless."

"That wasn't my intention..." Moxxie muttered, clearly feeling guilty now that the gravity of the topic had set in.

However, in a moment's notice that could have only been the work of divine intervention (or a sheer coincidence), a crowd of eager sinners approached the flier, chattering excitedly at the great deal they had been presented with. Connie peeked through her fingers, aghast at what she was seeing. Maybe there was still hope after all.

"See?" Heather purred, removing her coworker's hands from her eyes, "That's a lot of clients, which means we'll be making some decent profits. You can't throw in the towel just yet."

"I sure hope you're right, Heather..." Connie sighed in temporary relief, "because I don't know what I'm gonna do if you're not."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Dozens of clients later, the I.M.P arrived in the living world at the exact location where the majority of their targets awaited their doomsday. It was a beautiful coastal town in the Bahamas, filled to the brim with college kids of all ages who had just started their presumably long and crime-filled spring break. It was the perfect atmosphere for naughty behavior, and an even more perfect place for unnoticeable murders. Regardless, the team hid beneath the boardwalk, scouting out the scene as the contemplated their first kill.

Rather than wearing her typical office outfit, which was likely to slow her down during the killing spree, Connie had dug out her old assassin outfit: a pink sports crop top and leggings, which, to her surprise, still fit her perfectly. The fabric was flexible and got the job done, even if it was much brighter in color than the outfits of her coworkers.

"Now remember," Blitzo reminded the group, "we can't be seen. Loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off 'em. You've got the list, Loonie. Heather, you're our lookout, so it's your job to work with her to spot our victims."

The hellhound looked over the piece of paper in her hands with Heather, exchanging a silent nod with her before emerging from behind the boardwalk. Purple energy began to flow over Loona's fur, and in a flash, she had transformed into a human. The blood red sclera of her eyes had become her iris, but she retained her haircut and clothing, minus her bushy tail.

"H-holy shit," Connie stammered, her heart skipping a beat as Loona glanced over her now-human shoulder at her, placing a hand on her hip, "H-human Loona?! You look...your hair is just...wow."

"Heh," Loona teased, bending over to lightly tap the hellcat's nose, "I'm guessing you like what you see, Nia?"

At this point, Connie's face was beet-red, and she was too flustered to respond. It didn't help that the rest of her coworkers were staring at her curiously, and it was obvious that Blitzo had caught on to the marketing manager's state of mind.

"Sure hope you don't have any wet dreams after this," the boss smirked.

"S-shut up Blitz!" Connie spat, crawling out from her hiding place to stand beside Loona, "That's fucking gross! I can't believe you would even say that out loud...and in front of _her!"_

"Yeah, sir," Moxxie agreed, "that was pretty inappropriate."

"Nevermind that," Heather interjected, snagging the list from Loona and tucking it into her pocket, "there's our first target!"

She was pointing to a nearby beachgoer; a long brown-haired and bare-chested man with rimless shades. Loona casually approached him while Heather lead the rest of the group to a nearby building. The tabby hellcat flexed her claws, and with a powerful bound, she latched onto the side of the structure, climbing it swiftly with a rope between her teeth. Upon reaching the top, Heather tied the rope to a pole, testing it out before lowering it and signaling for her coworkers to ascend with a flick of her wrist.

"Wow, what a woman," Blitzo mused, grasping the rope between his hands and running up the side of the building.

"What was that, sir?" Moxxie prompted.

"Nothing! Now shut the fuck up and stay focused!"

With the three imps and two hellcats finally all in position, they awaited their target. Just as planned, Loona had led him to the alleyway below the building, and hardly a minute after they had arrived, Blitzo fired his gun, delivering a bullet to the man's head. Heather gave Loona the thumbs-up, and everyone moved forward.

And thus began an afternoon of brutal slaughter. Victim after victim began to pile up; hung, kicked off of buildings, suffocated in waste bins, hit in the head with flower pots, stabbed, clubbed, shot. Before long, the group had landed several kills, and began bagging them on the beachfront.

"That's nine kills in the bag," Blitzo boasted to Heather, tying one of the literal bags the I.M.P were using to store their dead bodies, "I'd like to see that willy snatch-orgasm that many—"

"Alright, spring breakers!"

The microphone-boosted voice of Verosika Mayday broke out across the beach, and all eyes were on the shore's singular stage, where the pop star herself stood. She had transformed into her human form as well, so as to blend in with the earthly environment she was in, and was addressing the crowd in a seductive tone that nearly sent Connie and Heather over the edge. The screens on either side of Verosika were lit up with the words "fuck you Blitzo", and judging by the imp's face, he was _not_ having it.

"Y'all ready to get fucked up and make some bitchin' bad choices?!"

The crowd of horny humans cheered, clearly familiar with the succubus in disguise. And then, as expected, Verosika began doing what she did best: singing. And as she sang, practically everyone in the crowd began rubbing up against each other like a bunch of drunk cats. To make matters worse, Verosika's entourage was busy taking advantage of the humans' orgy, swooping in to have intercourse with practically anyone they could find.

♫ Pack your bags  
Sun's out  
Take a Vacay babe  
Take it straight to Bonetown ♫

♫ V-time, free time, baby relax  
Self care, no hair, Brazilian wax  
Hardtop succu-bus to the beach  
Catch some rays while catching some D ♫

"Oh goddamn it!" Blitzo shouted, "that bitch started her goatish mating call! Now she's gonna win all these sex maniacs! We gotta pick things up, guys."

"Agreed," Heather nodded, wheeling around and preparing to depart, "I'll get Moxxie and Millie ready for the next target."

"We'll be ready in a second," Connie added, nudging Loona's shoulder, "right, Loonie?"

Loona didn't respond at first, prompting the hellcat to nudge her friend again. However, when Connie followed her gaze, she quickly realized why she was so distracted. Loona's gaze was locked on a tall, muscular man below the stage, who very closely resembled Vortex, including the scar on his dead left eye.

It didn't take Connie long to grasp the situation, and the instant she did, she deeply regretted it. For the first time, she could feel an unpleasant feeling spawn deep inside of her, souring her expression and making her every breath shakier by the second. It was as though her entire world had stopped spinning right then and there, and everything was moving in a painstakingly slow motion. Her heart was beating so rapidly that she could barely contain herself.

And yet, despite all that, Connie had no idea why she felt the way she did. All she knew was that her best friend had eyes for someone who was not only the hellcat's sperm donor, but her friend. Her best friend, the same hellhound who had been with her since the beginning, even before being adopted.

Clearly, Loona had taken a liking to Vortex. In a more-than-friends way.

"Oh. He's here, too," Connie broke the silence at last, "you know, we really shouldn't go near him. Blitz might blow a fuse if we ditch work to talk with his ex-girlfriend's hellhound again..."

As though she hadn't heard her friend's warning at all, Loona starting walking towards Vortex almost absent-mindedly, setting off a slew of incomprehensible emotions within Connie's heart at once. Anger, bitterness, rejection, desperation...and they kept coming. But the only thing her brain was telling her at that moment was to go after Loona, so she did.

"Loona!" Connie called after her, shoving past every drunken person in her way, "Loona, don't go! Please! Come back! _Loona!"_

By the time she had finally caught up with the hellhound, it was too late. She was already engaging in a conversation with Vortex, smiling and laughing along with him. Connie's entire face was on fire, but she couldn't tell whether it was from anger or the sheer embarrassment that slammed into her like a freight train.

_Am I...being selfish? For wanting to stop her from having a chance at happiness? Ugh...why does watching them hurt so much?_

"Hello? Earth to Connie?"

The hellcat snapped out of her thoughts, managing a smile as she recognized Vortex's voice in front of her. She released a nervous laugh, tugging at her collar self-consciously.

"Oh! Vortex. Sorry, I was kinda zoned-out for a second there."

"It's cool," Vortex assured her, "but...you looked a little sad about something. What's up?"

"Yeah, Nia," Loona added, "what's up? Are you worried about Blitz getting mad at us? Because I already told you I'd handle him if he ever started treating you like shit."

"So," Vortex prompted, "I'm guessing you two are friends?"

"Yep," Connie nodded, impulsively stepping closer to Loona, "we're best friends. We've _been_ best friends, since childhood. Sometimes, it feels like we've known each other forever."

"Mmm," Vortex mused, _"best friends,_ huh? You know, Connie, I saw you almost had a nosebleed after Loona here disguised herself."

"I did not!" Connie gasped, her face flushing over, "I was just...really impressed. That's all."

"Heh, that's a first," Loona rolled her eyes playfully, "hardly anyone gets 'impressed' by me."

"Well..." the hellcat muttered, tucking her hands behind her back, "I do. All the time."

"Am I...interrupting something?"

Blitzo forced himself between Vortex and the girls, glaring up at the former with a display of undeniable fatherly energy. Loona was immediately annoyed, and Connie simply stood rooted into place, secretly relieved that they had been interrupted.

"Nah, man," Vortex replied coolly, "we were just having a friendly conversation."

"And conversation leads to HPV!" Blitzo growled.

Meanwhile, not too far away, Heather, Millie, and Moxxie were eavesdropping on the conversation. At this point, they were tired of waiting for the rest of the group to catch up, and were contemplating continuing the client murders on their own.

"And we've lost him," Moxxie sighed, "it's looking like it's up to _us_ to handle this list."

"Isn't it always?" Heather shrugged, "And there's never an in-between. We always get dragged into messes over the most mediocre bullshit. A parking spot? Blitz, I know we're friends, but you can be such a bloody fuckwit sometimes..."

"Hell yeah!" Millie grinned, pulling her husband and best friend closer to her with both arms, "Team M&M and Aussiecat gettin' shit done! Makin' the money!"

The imp couple and the hellcat bounded away to pursue more targets, while Loona, Connie, and Vortex were still engaged in their cutthroat, high-tension argument. Things were really starting to take a turn for the worse, especially between father and daughter.

"Blitz!" Loona warned, "Get the _fuck_ out of here! You're gonna get us all into shit!"

"I just wanted to see what was so important that you'd be distracted from your job," Blitzo retorted, crossing his arms in disappointment.

"What, I can't have a break?" Loona raised an eyebrow at him in annoyance.

"We have a parking spot on the line!" Blitzo shouted, his aggravation growing by the minute.

"Hey, dude," Vortex interjected, "why don't you chill out?"

"Why don't _you_ stay out of it!" the imp shot back, turning to his adoptive daughter, "Okay? This is _our_ business! Literally!"

"Ugh...fuck, Blitz!" Loona snarled, "why can't you just stay out of my face for five minutes?!"

"Because I adopted you!" Blitzo growled, turning away, "And that should mean something!"

"Oh, what does it matter?!" the hellhound-turned-human shook her head in exasperation, "You're not my real dad! I was almost 18!"

"It still counts!"

"Well it shouldn't!" Loona spat, "I didn't need you then, asshole! I _don't_ now."

At long last, Connie couldn't take it anymore. Watching a father and his daughter, adopted or not, get into an argument as personal to them as it was to her was crossing the line. She was fed up with all the noise in her head; all the noise around her, making her bad mood even worse than it was at the start of this entire situation. Not to mention the kicked-puppy expression Blitzo was making, despite having his back turned to Loona.

"You know, Loona," Connie admitted, "I didn't want to say anything at first, but I'm not gonna stand by and watch you throw your dad under the bus because you want to look 'cool'!"

"What?!" Loona snapped, "Oh, so now you're on _his_ side?!"

"It doesn't _matter_ whose side I'm on!" Connie shook her head, "I'm not gonna stand here and watch you guys scream at each other, especially when it's about family!"

"Just stay out of this, Connie," Loona warned her, "it's not like you'd understand..."

"You're right," the hellcat hissed, "I _wouldn't_ understand what fatherly love is like. That's why you're lucky! Blitz would accept you no matter what your sexuality was! He'd accept you even if you wanted to have a baby as a single mother, no questions asked! He loves you for who you are, and nothing you do or say can ever deter him!"

"Connie, I'm sorry that your parents disowned you because of all of that," Loona sighed, "but I don't understand why my relationship with Blitzo is so important to you!"

"It's _important_ to me because you're taking advantage of the feeling I've always wanted!" Connie continued, "He _loves_ you, Loona. Unconditionally, fully, and honestly! I would _kill_ to have Blitzo, or anyone at all, to care about me the way he cares about you. Because no one in my life does!"

"Oh, bullshit!" Loona glared at her, furious, "Practically everyone else we work with cares about you! And you _know_ that I do, too!"

"No!" the hellcat shook her head, "I mean I don't have anyone in my life who _loves_ me! _Really, truly loves me._ There's a huge difference between just caring about someone in general and caring about someone the way your dad does! And you get to have that every single day!"

"Oh, and speaking of _love,"_ Loona barked, "I heard you trying to stop me from talking to Vortex. Back when I first realized he was here. Was it really because you were worried about Blitzo yelling at us, or was it because you wanted your 'sperm donor' all to yourself?!"

"Don't drag him into this!" Connie gasped, motioning to Vortex with her tail, "Besides, I'm not romantically attracted to him at all! That's impossible!"

"Why is it impossible?!"

_"Because my parents were right and I AM a fucking lesbian, okay?!"_

The declaration seemed to echo across the waterfront, and for a moment, it felt like all eyes were on Connie. Even Moxxie, Millie, and Heather heard her shout from their place on a nearby building, their jaws dropping to the floor. Connie hadn't just come out of the closet—she had been _dragged_ out, kicking and screaming, all because of one accidental burst of blind desperation. The worst part was, she wasn't even close to ready to share that part of her life with anyone, let alone her coworkers.

All it took to break Connie's overflowing dam of emotions was one glance at Blitzo's concerned expression. Her boss never let his emotions show in public. _Never._

"Wait..." Loona murmured, her eyes widening as she slowly pieced it together, "so that means...oh, fuck. Connie—"

"I don't wanna talk about it anymore!" Connie choked out, her bright blue eyes already overflowing with tears, "You probably hate me now anyway, so just _leave me the fuck alone!"_

She turned tail and bolted, her feet pounding against the sand as she made a beeline for the boardwalk. She could hear Loona calling her name behind her, but she didn't care. The last person Connie wanted to see at that moment was her, even if they _were_ best friends. She might not have confessed any feelings to Loona in particular, but regardless, she was extremely embarrassed and needed some time to cool off.

_It's not like she's gonna miss me anyway..._

Not too far away, Moxxie, Millie, and Heather had gotten back to work, wracking up a solid 20 kills in less than ten minutes. They were now hiding on a table behind a row of kegs, where a mass of drunk, disorderly college students were in a sense busy making as many bad decisions as humanly possible. However, it was obvious that killing the target would be no easy feat...especially since he was weaving among the crowd, and couldn't for the life of him stand still, even just for a moment.

"Alright, we're down to the final target," Heather noted enthusiastically, "Mox and Mills, you know what to do."

The imp couple nodded, exchanging a quick kiss before Moxxie accepted his gun from Millie. The former leaned over the row of kegs in a sniper position, ready to wipe the the final target on the list of kills. However, the group of young adults had grown so rowdy that one of them had resorted to flipping the table, sending the imps and hellcat hiding on top of it flying. Unfortunately, Moxxie landed in view of a group of beachgoers, unintentionally spooking a woman among them.

"Ugh!" the woman recoiled in disgust, "Oh my God, it's a fucking _possum!"_

"I got it!"

The same man who had flipped the table proceeded to dunk Moxxie inside of one of the kegs...which also happened to be filled to the brim with some of the college kids' beer supply. Completely unaware of what had just happened to her husband, Millie emerged from a nearby sand dune, stifling a giggle as she found Heather's butt sticking out of the sand.

"Are you alright there, sugarcube?" the imp asked, dragging her best friend out by her legs.

"I think so," Heather sighed, shaking out her fur, "wait...I feel like we're missing something..."

"Or some _one..."_ Millie nodded, frantically glancing around the waterfront.

It was then that they spotted Moxxie's gun in the sand, and a wave of panic rushed over them. In a matter of seconds, the pair came to the same conclusion.

"Where's Moxxie?!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"Connie!" Loona shouted, strolling through the alleyways of the coastal town, "Are you around here somewhere?! Connie!"

"Connie!" Vortex chimed in, scanning the buildings as the pair walked past them.

The two had been searching the entire waterfront ever since Connie had run off, in hopes of reconciling with the hellcat, but to no avail. It was almost as though she had vanished in thin air; she left no signs of her anywhere, and even Loona and Vortex's enhanced eyesight couldn't locate her. If guilt hadn't already settled into Loona, it sure as hell was hitting now.

"I never should've snapped at her," Loona sighed, "sure, we have our differences, but she's still my best friend! I didn't mean to make her _cry_...and I sure as _hell_ didn't mean to bring her sexuality out into the open..."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it," Vortex assured her, "sometimes, shit slips off your tongue before you can even think. It happens to everyone at one point or another. But that doesn't mean it's too late to apologize."

"If she even wants to hear it," Loona muttered.

"Well," Vortex advised, "if her friendship really means a lot to you, then it's worth a shot, don't you think? Besides, if you ask me, I'd say Connie really likes you. She'd probably appreciate an apology more than you might think."

"When you say 'really likes me'," Loona intrigued, folding her arms as her face started heating up, "do you mean, like, as a friend? Or something else?"

"Who knows?" the taller male shrugged, "My girlfriend and I were best friends for a really long time before we started dating. Sometimes, you just have to go all in, you know? See where life takes you."

"I shouldn't be surprised someone like you has a girlfriend," Loona replied, "thanks, Vortex."

"Don't mention it," Vortex nodded, pointing to a rope dangling from a nearby building, "you think Connie might be up there?"

"Maybe," Loona shrugged, "I guess I'll take it from here. See you around?"

"See you around."

Loona smiled and nodded at him, gripping the rope and slowly ascending the building. Upon reaching the top, she peered over the edge to see if Connie really was present, although she wasn't expecting to find her. To her surprise, she found the hellcat sitting in the farthest corner of the roof, her knees pressed to her face.

"Connie..."

Loona took a deep breath, climbing onto the roof and transforming back into her hellhound self before slowly approaching the hellcat. Wordlessly, she settled down next to Connie, her ears flicking nervously. She could hear muffled sniffling coming from between the hellcat's legs, occasionally breaking the silence that hung in the air above the two. Eventually, Connie spoke, her voice ragged from crying.

"I know you're there, Loona."

"I thought you did," the hellhound sighed, "listen, Connie...we need to talk. About what happened back on the beach."

"Why would you still wanna talk to me?" Connie murmured, lifting her eyeliner-stained face from her legs to glance over at Loona, "Don't you hate me for all the shit I said?"

"What?" Loona shook her head, scooting the hellcat into her lap, "No, of course not. What makes you think that?"

"I yelled at you over my own daddy issues," she replied solemnly, "I came out of the closet at the worst possible time, and now I probably look like a total bitch. I tried to stop you from hanging out with Vortex because I was scared of losing you..."

"Wait, wait. You were scared of losing me?"

Connie sighed, swiveling in Loona's lap to face her. She could tell that the hellhound wasn't expecting to hear her say those words, but she wanted to hear why nevertheless; her cheeks were dusted with a light shade of pink, and her ears stood on end, patiently awaiting an explanation from her best friend.

"Yes," Connie admitted, "I was. I didn't understand what I was feeling at the moment, but now that I've really thought it over, it's starting to make sense. You're my closest friend, Loona; so close that you're almost like family to me. And I thought that if you and Vortex hit it off..."

She paused, not realizing that she had starting crying again until she felt Loona's hand press against her right cheek, caressing it and wiping away the fresh stream of tears pouring down the side of her face.

"I was scared that you wouldn't need me around anymore," Connie continued, her voice cracking, "and you would leave and forget all about me like my parents did and—"

"Oh, Connie," Loona assured her, "is that what you were so worried about this whole time? I promise you, I would never do that."

"Y-you're sure?" the hellcat stammered, leaning into Loona's touch.

"Of course," Loona nodded, her thumb gliding across Connie's cheek, "remember what I said after we escaped from Loo Loo Land? You're my best friend, and the only one I have. I'm not going anywhere. So...you're stuck with me, whether you like it or not. Okay?"

Connie giggled at the hellhound's flirtatious comment, sniffling for a final time before she finally pulled herself together.

"So we're good?"

"Yeah, we're good," Loona mused, a warm smile overtaking her worried expression, "there it is. There's that fucking adorable little smile of yours."

"Oh, shut up," Connie playfully rolled her eyes at the hellhound, "you're such a big-ass softie."

"Yeah, but I'm _your_ big-ass softie."

"Ugh...I can never stay mad at you for long. It's no wonder why."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"Where is he?!" Heather muttered, digging through a pile of discarded beer kegs, "We've looked over practically the entire fucking beach! He has to be here somewhere!"

"Well, there's only one way to find out," Millie replied, "keep looking!"

The pair continued their search for their missing coworker, sifting through several empty containers and packages that the college kids had left behind. Just when it seemed as though all hope was lost, the purple keg next to Millie briefly shook, and the southern belle assassin gasped, realizing what this could mean.

"Heather!" she called for her hellcat companion, "Come quick! I think he's in here!"

"They really locked him in a keg?!" Heather shook her head in disbelief, bounding over to help Millie dump the liquid-filled container, _"This_ is why I hate humans."

Thankfully, with their combined strength, the two were able to tip the keg over. The good news? Moxxie was, in fact, in the container, and he was still alive. The bad news? He was utterly and hopelessly inebriated.

"Moxxie?!" Millie gasped, watching as her husband washed onto the beach, along with the rest of the beer in the keg.

"Miiiillieeeeeeee!" Moxxie slurred, rolling onto his back in a drunken haze, "Hi. Hey, hey when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss 'em."

"Yep," Heather noted flatly, "he's completely pissed."

"Pissed?" Millie remarked, "He looks pretty happy to me."

"No, no," the hellcat tried to explain, giving up halfway through, "it's Australian slang for—oh, nevermind. The point is, there's no way he's gonna be able to fire a gun in this condition."

"Oh heyyyyyyyy, Heather," Moxxie giggled, attempting to wave at her, "your fur looks suuuper fluffy right now. Can I pet it? Pleaaaase?"

"Oh!" Millie squealed, "Can I pet you, too?"

"What?" Heather raised an eyebrow at her, "You can't be serious, Millie."

But she most definitely was. Before the tabby hellcat could object any further, both imps were latched onto her, stroking her thick, fluffy fur in all directions. Heather simply rolled her eyes, facepalming, knowing full well that there was no stopping them.

That is, until the entire beach began quivering beneath their feet.

Mere moments later, a blast of water erupted over the beach, revealing a gigantic, horrifyingly mutated fish. It towered over the beachgoers, who immediately stopped their lustful orgy to stare at the fish monster in horror. Even Verosika Mayday and her entourage seemed terrified of what had emerged from the ocean, and as everyone around them began to scream and run away, it was clear that this creature meant business.

"Cor strewth!" Heather gasped, gripping her head in astonishment, "What is _that?!"_

"Oooooh," Moxxie replied, pointing at the massive creature, "fish."

Unfortunately, the fish monster took notice of the easy prey by the water's edge, and its tongue shout out of its snag-toothed maw, coiling it around Moxxie like a snake and lifting him off the beach. The drunk imp was unphased, giggling beneath the fish's constrictive grasp until its jaws clamped shut, as Heather and Millie watched in horror.

"Bloody shit," Heather spat, "now what do we do?!"

"Hmmm..." Millie pondered, glancing over Heather's shoulder at a vodka-chugging beachgoer, "wait, isn't that the last target?!"

"Now that you mention it, yes!" the hellcat gasped, snapping her fingers, "Hey Mills, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Wombat-Toppler?" Millie smirked, whipping out a switchblade.

"Wombat-Toppler," Heather nodded, unsheathing her claws.

Thinking quickly, Millie stabbed the man in the back and snatched his vodka bottle, giving Heather time to rip off a huge hunk of his shirt. She handed it to her best friend, revealing a lighter as Millie slipped the fabric into the half-empty bottle. In a single, swift motion, Heather set the cloth on fire, hurling the makeshift Molotov at the giant fish monster's midsection.

Sure enough, the bottle exploded upon impact, easily toppling the creature long enough for Heather and Millie to act. Unbeknownst to the duo, Blitzo was watching from a safe distance, having just finished packing up the body they'd left behind.

"Damn," he remarked, his eyes locked on Heather as she and Millie latched onto the rising fish kaiju, "look at that spicy feline go!"

"Pry its jaws open!" Heather instructed her imp coworker, digging her claws into the fish's flesh, "I've got your back!"

"On it!" Millie nodded, using her switchblade to ascend to the fish monster's mouth.

The hellcat pounced, using her powerful legs to propel her up the fish's scaly backside, with help from the grip her claws allotted her. With a final leap, Heather had made it to the top of the monster's head, just as Millie had arrived below the its bottom lip. The pair began tugging its mouth in opposite directions, prying open the beast's mouth wide enough to reveal Moxxie, who was lazily punching its uvula.

"Get him out of there!" Heather grunted through gritted teeth, "Hurry! I don't know how much longer we can hold this thing!"

Millie obeyed, reaching for Moxxie's hand inside the creature's mouth, only to receive a high-five from her husband instead. The female imp rolled her eyes, gripping Moxxie's wrist and yanking him towards her. At long last, she was able to chop off the fish's tongue, sending both it and the drunk assassin entangled in it flying towards the beach...causing the fish to trap her in its mouth in his place. Although Blitzo was preoccupied watching Heather, he managed to catch Moxxie bridal-style, while the tongue remnants landed atop another beachgoer, killing him.

"Millie!" Heather gasped, slashing away at the fish kaiju's face with sharpened claws, "Spit her out, you oversized cock!"

The monster only began thrashing about more, roaring in pain as it was attacked inside and out; Millie was busy throwing punches from inside its mouth. Upon realizing this, a lightbulb went off in Heather's brain, and instantaneously, she figured out how to save Millie and take down the aquatic beast once and for all. It was a risky idea, but crazy enough that it just might work.

Taking a deep breath, Heather performed a nimble backflip off the side of the mutated fish's head, digging her claws into its flesh and tearing it on her way down. The vast opening torn into the creature's cheek granted Millie the perfect opportunity through which to escape, and she did, sliding down the back of the heavily-bleeding giant and into the ocean. In the nick of time, Heather retracted her claws, landing in the water and swimming after Millie. Together, they swam their way back to the shore, lugging their soaked bodies onto the beach.

"Oh yeah!" Blitzo smirked, eyeing Heather, "Way to show off, Heather! You too, Mills."

"Thanks, Blitz," Heather gasped for breath, shaking out her fur, "whew. What a workout."

"Is Mox okay?!" Millie asked in a panic.

"Oh, yeah," Blitzo muttered, dropping Moxxie onto the sand, "he's fine."

Millie rushed over to her still very much intoxicated husband, scooping him into her arms and giggling in relief. Moxxie gazed up at her with the dopiest grin anyone in the group had ever seen, casually slurring a response.

"This is funny. I'm sooooo...drinky."

"Okay, this is too wholesome for my liking," Blitzo huffed, folding his arms and shooting Heather an amused face, "that aside, Heather, you were magnificent out there. A real badass."

"Hmm, really?" the hellcat mused, blushing a little at the comment, "Well...thank you. Do you think we'll get back home in time for my date tonight?"

"Oh," Blitzo's face fell, "a date?"

"Yeah," Heather elaborated, "I've been wanting to get back on the dating scene for a while now, so I signed up for this app called Kindl. I finally got my first match yesterday! See?"

She dug her (apparently waterproof) phone out of her pocket, opening the app and showing Blitzo a photo of a goth-as-hell tusked sea lion demon with black trident tattoos on his left arm. The imp bit back a sigh of disappointment, but managed to keep a straight face, giving Heather an encouraging thumbs-up.

"That's...really great, Heather," Blitzo lied through his teeth, "maybe I should try that app sometime. Kindl, right?"

"Blitzo!"

Verosika Mayday's voice sounded behind the imps and hellcat, and they wheeled around to face her and her entourage, glaring at them viciously.

"Oh _perfect,"_ Blitzo remarked sarcastically, "That must be the whores!"

"That was handled rather…" Verosika paused for impact, raising an eyebrow at the group, _"obvious,_ don’t you think?"

"I don’t think this belonged to any of us," Millie retorted, twirling an empty Beelzejuice bottle on her finger before tossing it to Verosika, "Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were behind a giant monster fish in the _human_ world."

"She's got a point," Heather added, dragging a finger with an unsheathed claw in a slash motion across her throat, "even worse, if any _humans_ found out you were hosting a concert on the beach where all this... _unfortunate_ carnage occurred, I wonder who they'd suspect first?"

"Oh Satan!" Moxxie erupted into a fit of maniacal laughter, "You'd all be so _fucked!"_

"Yeah, well," Verosika countered, "you three nasty-ass gremlins and your sexy kitty coworker will be in shit for not being in disguises."

"Hellcats don't have disguises, _shit for brains,"_ Heather hissed, "but I shouldn't have expected a skanky bitch like yourself to know that, let alone your arse from a hole in the ground."

"A human called me a _possum,"_ Moxxie slurred, face-planting into the sand at the disguised succubus's feet, "I am _not_ a possum."

"You know," Blitzo offered, slyly pushing Moxxie aside with his foot, "we _could_ keep this little B movie scene on the down-low if you agree to let us use that parking space."

 _"Fine,"_ Verosika snapped, clearly pissed off by her loss.

 _"We fucking won!"_ Blitzo cackled, smugly walking past his ex-girlfriend and her crew, "In your face, _bitch!"_

 _"Fuck yeah!"_ Millie grinned, scooping Moxxie off the ground and high-fiving Heather with her free hand.

"Who's giving the arse to who now?!" Heather spat at Verosika, "Crack a _fat,_ you dirty cunt!"

"What the fuck does that even _mean?!"_ Verosika shrugged, clearly disgusted, "Ugh! Come on, let’s find Tex and get out of here..."

At that point, Loona arrived on the beach, still in her hellhound form, having transformed back before reconciling with Connie. She now carried her hellcat best friend in her arms princess-style, which immediately caught their coworkers' eyes.

"I'm guessing you two made up?" Blitzo prompted, raising an eyebrow at them, "Judging by Connie's smudged eyeliner, I'm guessing there was touchy-feely stuff involved."

"What?" Loona blushed, setting Connie back on her feet, "We...that's not...it's none of your fucking business."

"Eh, whatever," Blitzo shrugged, jumping into a portal to hell with his other employees, "it's not like I care about that shit anyway. Come on, Loonie-toony! Let’s go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!"

"Well," Connie mused, after she was sure her boss had left, "I don't know about you, 'Loonie-toony', but I've had a long-ass day."

"Ugh, yeah..." Loona agreed, "today was the _worst."_

"Hey, why don't you come over to my place?" Connie suggested, "We could order some takeout and watch a movie together. Maybe have a sleepover?"

"Mmm," the hellhound hummed, "that could be fun. Okay, I'm in. Just let me pick up a pair of pajamas at my house first."

"Sounds like a plan," Connie nodded, "I'll get cleaned up while I wait for you. Seriously, my makeup is a mess."

"You still look pretty cute to me..." Loona muttered.

"What was that, Loonie?"

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud. Come on, Nia, let's go back to the office before Blitz notices we're gone."

Loona subconsciously swished her tail to wrap around Connie's waist, leading her to the portal and jumping in with a strangely warm feeling in her face. It was probably nothing to worry about; besides, she'd faced more than enough difficult feelings for one day.

Meanwhile, Verosika and her entourage, still in their human forms, were preparing to depart for hell as well. Unfortunately, before they could take another step, they were promptly halted by a police squad, who surrounded them with loaded guns. The group of disguised succubi and their hellhound huddled together in fear, their eyes darting to Verosika for guidance.

"Put your hands up, you sick deviants!" a policeman instructed, shouting the order through a handheld megaphone.

"Alright, sluts," the pop star grimaced, doing as she was told, "get ready to suck a lot of pig dick."

The rest of the entourage sighed, putting their hands up as directed. Not only had they lost their parking spot, but there was a slight possibility that they would lose their dignity, too. There would definitely be no easy way out of this.


	7. S1 Minisode C: Hellentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heather's original Hellentine's Day plans with a Kindl date fall through, so Blitzo offers to spend the evening with her instead. Remarkably, the experience strengthens their bond, and the hellcat finds herself appreciating her best friend more than ever before.

"Hey, does anyone know where Heather is?" Blitzo intrigued, nudging open the door to the lounge with his elbow, an iced coffee in either hand, "I made it to happy hour at the Hot Head Café down the street and bought her a little something."

"Of course you bought her something..." Loona muttered, flipping through a copy of _Hellhound Monthly_ magazine.

"I bought you one too~"

The imp handed one of the drinks to Loona. According to the label, it had three pumps of vanilla, which was Loona's preferred flavoring. Three pumps exactly, no more, no less. The hellhound smiled a little at this, quietly accepting the beverage and taking a sip through the straw poked in the top.

"Oh, you're wondering where Heather is?" Millie piped up, in response to Blitzo's original question, "I think she's in her office."

"She's been... _uncharacteristically_ quiet in there," Moxxie remarked, "I haven't heard a word from her all day."

"None of us have," Connie added, "which is kinda weird, especially since today is Hellentine's Day. And it's common knowledge that every year on that holiday, she spends the last few hours of work raving about how excited she is for her special evening plans."

"Should we be worried?" Millie prompted, exchanging unsure glances with her husband.

"Oh, come on," Blitzo insisted, "I'm sure Heather's fine. She's probably just sorting through the rest of the client files from our little 'bet' with my drunken whore of an ex-girlfriend."

"Well," Connie admitted, shrugging, "we _did_ have a lot of clients come to us for a cheap kill over the course of spring break. So there's a chance he could be right this time around."

"Exactly, Connie," her boss winked, "she's probably hard at work in there, just finishing up her share of the paperwork for the weekend!"

"Don't say we didn't warn you," Loona muttered, flipping to the next page of her magazine.

Blitzo shook off his adoptive daughter's comment, casually strolling down the hallway, past his own office and Millie's towards Heather's. It was about three rooms down, sandwiched between Moxxie and Connie's quarters. Loona didn't have an office due to her sitting arrangement at the lounge area's receptionist desk, and with fewer occupied spaces came more room for other amenities, like the employee locker room, which also happened to be just a few paces to the right of Connie's designated space.

The imp approached Heather's office quietly, knocking on her door with his free hand. There was no answer at first; in fact, there was barely a response at all, aside from the sound of brief scuffling behind the wooden barrier, which prompted Blitzo to pound on the door yet again, this time with an additional comment.

"Heather! Are you in there? It's Blitz."

Again, there was no answer. At this point, there were only two thoughts running through Blitzo's head: either Heather wasn't in her office at the moment, or she was, and something wasn't right. Hoping that the former was true, the imp slowly pried open the door, announcing his presence as he entered the office. He smiled as he noticed Heather sitting behind her desktop computer, although her face was obscured by the monitor.

"Hey, Heather!" Blitzo greeted, striding over to her desk and setting down the iced coffee, "Guess what I brought you! It's an iced mocha four-by-four, your...favorite..."

He trailed off the second he got a better view of the hellcat's face. Her cheek was pressed to her left hand, and she clicked through a few files on her computer with a kicked puppy expression. It was completely and utterly undeniable that something—or someone—had been upsetting Heather, assumedly all day, based on what the other I.M.P employees had noted.

And to Blitzo, that wouldn't stand. _Especially_ on Hellentine's Day.

"O-oh, hi Blitz," Heather stammered, faking a smile as she caught his stare, "sorry, I was just organizing a few things. Did you need to talk to me?"

Blitzo's gaze softened, radiating concern. He rotated Heather's chair towards him, patting her right hand with his gloved left one.

"Well, I do now," the imp nodded, "what's going on, huh?"

"Thanks, Blitz," the hellcat sighed, taking a sip of her iced coffee, "I appreciate the thought, but...I'm fine, really."

"Aw, you can tell me anything, Heather," Blitzo assured her, lifting her chin to face him with the arrowhead tip of his long, flexible tail, "you know that. So...what's wrong?"

"Oh, alright," Heather caved, prompting her friend to remove his tail from her face, "I guess I'm just disappointed because my Hellentine's Day date changed his mind about wanting to go out with me tonight."

"Your date ditched you?"

"Yeah," the hellcat replied, rolling her eyes, "I guess he just lost interest."

"Fucking dick..." Blitzo muttered, "he didn't deserve you anyway. But...if it makes you feel any better, I don't have anything to do tonight, either."

"Really?" Heather raised an eyebrow at him, surprised, "You don't have any plans with Loona?"

"Well..." the imp shrugged, "it's kinda hard to spend some quality daddy-daughter time with her nowadays. She's been hanging out with Connie a lot more than usual lately, _especially_ since the parking space fiasco. It's like every time I turn around, she's either on the phone with the lady or getting ready to leave the house to do Satan-knows-what with her."

"You have a fair point," Heather admitted, "I think everyone around here is starting to notice. So they're hanging out today?"

"Yep. I overheard Connie inviting my Loonie over to her place to watch that sitcom _Barks and Recreation_ tonight. Knowing those two, they're probably having a sleepover."

"Lucky them," the red tabby hellcat sighed, longingly closing out of Voxgle on her computer, "it's too bad I don't have anyone else to casually celebrate Hellentine's Day with. Millie already has plans for a fancy homemade dinner with Moxxie, so my backup plan is basically fucked."

"Hmm..." Blitzo pondered aloud, snapping his fingers as his thoughts suddenly comprised a solution, "well, since we're both shit outta luck on this stupid holiday, what if _you and I_ had a little fun tonight?"

"Us?" Heather glanced at him hesitantly, "I don't know, Blitz. I was really looking forward to my date...I'm just not sure if I could enjoy myself. What if I drag down your mood, too?"

"Hey," the imp persisted, reaching for both of Heather's hands and pulling the hellcat to her feet, "not to pull the whole 'I know how you feel' bullshit on you or anything like that, but I've been there. Believe me, I've had my fair share of being ditched. Uh, but most of the time, it happened _during_ the actual date, and not before."

"Ouch..." Heather remarked, her ears drooping a little at the notion, "I'm sorry, Blitz. That sounds really awful."

"Yeah, it wasn't fun," Blitzo continued, "but I know for a fact that if I had had someone there to drag my ass outside and do something with me to take my mind off things, I would've felt a lot better. A little less alone, at least. I guess what I'm trying to say is...can I do that for you?"

The hellcat's gaze flickered up to meet her friend's. The imp staring back at her was perhaps the most sincere version of him that she had ever seen, and her face melted into a guilty smile. There was no point in saying no to Blitzo, especially when he was looking at her with such a hopeful expression.

"Oh, alright," Heather caved at last, "what have I got to lose?"

"Yes!" Blitzo grinned, pumping his fist in accomplishment, "I knew you'd come around, Heather! Okay, here's what we're gonna do. After I drop you off at your house, I'll drive everyone else home, and you can use that time to get changed into something more comfortable. When I'm ready, I'll come pick you up, and we can get this show on the road!"

"Okay," Heather nodded, "but just so we're clear, for the record, this is _not_ a replacement date. I'm not in the mood for something like that, for obvious reasons."

"Oh, of course," Blitzo replied, already heading out the door, "I wasn't even _thinking_ of that. All the lovey-dovey bullshit on Hellentine's Day is fucking overrated, anyway. No romance here, just two friends stickin' it to tradition!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

_Well, Blitz did say to change into something comfortable. I mean, how much more comfortable can you get than this?_

Heather looked herself over in the mirror one last time, running her fingers through the tuft of fur on her forehead. She had opted to wear a fuzzy purple sweater and faded blue jeans, with black heeled boots for good measure. Just in case the outfit looked a little _too_ casual on her.

"I think I'm ready."

She could feel her right pocket buzzing from the subtle vibration of her phone's notification alert, and she dug it out, scrolling through her messages. Even before she opened the text she had just received, Heather knew it was Blitzo, due to the horrible spelling she'd briefly scanned over on the lock screen.

 **blitzorodeo:** hey heathwr r u rdy? i'm outsde

 **careless_whisker:** Hi Blitzø, I'll be right out :)

Heather took a deep breath, slipping her phone back into her jeans and exiting the first floor bathroom. Despite the fact that Blitzo had just texted her, she could hear him spamming her doorbell like an impatient pizza delivery man (they were more common in hell than one might think). The hellcat rolled her eyes, trudging down the vast hallway to answer it.

"Sweet Satan, Blitz!" she called after him, "Hold your horses! I'm coming."

Heather pried open her front door of her rustic mansion, revealing a derp-faced Blitzo, who stopped ringing the doorbell upon noticing the hellcat staring at him. To her surprise, the imp was wearing an oversized pink sweatshirt over a black tank top, rather than his usual torn coat and red undershirt. Other than that, the rest of his uniform remained. The outfit, which didn't fully cover Blitzo's right shoulder, prompted a smile from Heather, who found the temporary change in his outfit to be quite adorable.

"Nice sweatshirt," Heather remarked absent-mindedly.

"Huh? Oh, this?" Blitzo mused, glancing down at his sweatshirt, "It's just something I threw on. Don't get me wrong, I hate Hellentine's Day, but it's an excuse to wear pink. I'll take what I can get. You look pretty nice in purple, too."

"Thanks," the tabby hellcat replied calmly, "so...what did you have in mind? For tonight, I mean."

"Mmm, I don't know," Blitzo hummed, motioning to the I.M.P van, which he'd parked in front of the mansion's garage, "why don't we go for a little drive and scout out some ideas?"

"Sure," Heather shrugged nonchalantly, "I'm in no rush."

"Great! I'll go unlock the doors for you."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

♫ All my life I've been fighting a war  
I can't talk to you or your friends  
It's not only you ♫

The I.M.P van cruised through Pentagram City in a surprisingly non-sporadic fashion; Blitzo had opted to drive slower, so as to give Heather a better view of her options as they drove along. The pair skimmed over the various shops and clubs that lined the streets. All was silent in the vehicle, aside from the radio, which was playing a rather depressing hellborn rendition of Lorde's _Bravado._

♫ My heart jumps around when I'm alluded to  
This will not do  
'Cause I was raised up  
To be admired, to be noticed ♫

Although it was one of Heather's favorite songs, something felt off when she listened to it more closely. For some reason, she couldn't help but notice how depressing the lyrics were...especially because of her missed date, not to mention her overall romantic life. Upon realizing how much she could relate to the song, the hellcat found herself slipping into an even more disheartened mood than before.

♫ But when you're withdrawn, it's the closest thing  
To assault when all eyes are on you  
This will not do ♫

♫ I'm faking glory  
Lick my lips, toss my hair  
And turn the smile on  
And the story's brand new  
But I can take it from here  
I'll find my own bravado ♫

Each word jabbed at Heather like a white-hot poker; she could feel the emotional pain throbbing away inside her with every heartbeat. Before she knew it, her eyes were flooding with tears, spilling over as she began to sing along. Her voice broke halfway through each line, catching Blitzo's attention. He glanced over at her from the corner of his eye, concerned.

♫ It's a switch flipped  
It's a pill tipped back, it's a moon eclipse, whoa  
And I can tell you that  
When the lights come on, I'll be ready for this ♫

"Heather?" Blitzo intrigued worriedly, "Are you okay over there?"

♫ It's in your bloodstream  
A collision of atoms that happens before your eyes  
It's a marathon run  
Or a mountain you scaled without thinking of size ♫

Heather sniffled, still soldiering through the chorus, even if she was on the verge of losing it.

♫ I was frightened of  
Every little thing that I thought was out to get me down  
To trip me up and laugh at me, but  
I learned not to want  
The quiet of a room with no-one around to find me out  
I want the applause, the approval  
The things that make me go, "Oh" ♫

At the ending "oh", the dam finally broke. Heather sobbed along with the held syllable, prompting Blitzo to steer the van into a nearby parking lot and pull over. He turned off the ignition, silencing the radio and the song along with it before glancing over at the crying hellcat. Her eyes were smudged with runny mascara; she furiously swiped away at them, noticing that her friend had stopped driving.

"I-I'm so sorry B-Blitz, I can't—"

"Hey, no no no no," the imp shushed her, presenting her with some tissues with his tail, "don't be. Here."

"T-thanks..." Heather sniffled, practically pressing her face into them, "Blitz...I'm sorry I ruined—"

She was cut off by one of the warmest, most comforting hugs she'd ever received. Even if Blitzo was significantly lankier than she was, his widely-proportioned hands made up for it, cradling the small of Heather's back. She didn't object.

"I already told you," Blitzo hummed, gently working his palms over the hellcat's sweater, "it's okay. You're not the only one who needs a good cry every once in a while."

"...thank you..."

The two sat in the parking lot for a while, hugging and savoring a moment away from the rest of Hell. While everyone else in the city was out getting hammered, lusting over a stripper, or copulating in their bedrooms, among other Hellentine's Day activities, the imp and hellcat enjoyed the silence.

They didn't need to celebrate such a commercialized holiday in a flamboyant manner. And it wasn't like they _wanted_ to, either, especially in Heather's heartbroken state.

"You feeling a little better now?" Blitzo intrigued, pulling away at last.

Heather nodded, throwing her used tissues into the van's mini waste bin.

"You wanna get out of here? Maybe go hang out at my place? There won't be anyone else there for the rest of the night."

"Mmm," the red tabby hellcat murmured, "I guess."

"Alrighty then," Blitzo agreed, turning the ignition once more, "that's where we're headed. I have some makeup wipes for you when we get there, if you want to clean up a little."

The car roared to life, and the radio turned back on, this time playing a much less depressing melody. The imp pulled the van back onto the road, making a U-turn onto a neighboring road. As they drove along, the song faded out, and a much more hardcore rock tune replaced it, filling the car with its fiery opening.

"Hey..." Blitzo acknowledged, immediately recognizing it, "is that...?"

 _"Mustang Dong?"_ Heather blinked in surprise, "Huh. Never thought I'd hear that one again."

"Oh, that was perfect timing!" the imp gasped, grinning at Heather, "Do you know what this means, Heather?!"

"I don't have to sit through another sad song?"

"Well, yeah," Blitzo shrugged, "but it also means you can vent that frustration towards the _asshole_ that ditched you! It's the perfect revenge song!"

Although Heather was hesitant to agree with Blitzo, he started singing along to _Mustang Dong_ himself, turning up the volume a few notches and striking a rock pose with his right hand.

♫ You were the little spicy little demon with the bleach blonde hair  
Fiendin' for some semen when I caught your stare  
Thought it might be love but you went too far  
Fucked all of my friends and blew up my car ♫

The way Blitzo was obnoxiously belting out the lyrics, with no care as to the timing of each word, unexpectedly brought a smile to Heather's face. She quickly caved to her friend's carefree spontaneity, chiming in to the second set of verses.

♫ Lit me on fire, made me watch rom-coms  
Made a secret sex tape and showed it to my mom  
You were a bitch kinda generally  
Now I'm a wet wild stallion and I'm running free ♫

For the first time that day, Heather could feel her spirits lifting; the dejected fog that seemed to enshroud her thoughts faded away, leaving her with a realization that she had never fathomed before that particular moment: maybe missing her date wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Maybe, just maybe, she would have rather spent Hellentine's Day with Blitzo anyways.

The hellcat exchanged an excited glance with the imp next to her, the revelation still fresh in her mind as she finished off the song with him as they sped off down the highway.

♫ You stepped on my nuts and you tore me apart  
Slapped up my booty and tangled my farts  
Cut off my dick when you shattered my heart  
But it grew back twice as long  
MUSTANG DONG ♫


	8. S1 Minisode D: Break My Stride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Convinced that Loona and Connie's chemistry has potential to blossom into something more, Millie finally opens the hellcat's eyes to her true feelings for her best friend. Coincidentally, Loona invites Connie to go roller-skating with her not long after.

"So..." Connie prompted Millie, skimming through a rack of crop tops, "how was your dinner date with Moxxie last night?"

The hellcat and imp coworkers were on a shopping spree at the Pentagram City Mall the day after Hellentine's Day. They had bought lunch in the food court, and were now visiting several of the stores around the building. It was almost a mini "girls' day" in one form or another; they were doing it to catch up with each other while having a little fun. Currently, the two were at the outfitter _6 & 3rd Avenue,_ looking at the women's section.

"Oh, it was lovely!" Millie chirped, "He lit pretty lil' candles all around the kitchen an' made filet mignon for the both of us! It was sooo romantic~...but enough about me. How was your sleepover with _Loona,_ Nia?"

"You heard about that, huh?" Connie replied, smiling modestly, "It was really nice. We just watched some _Barks and Recreation_ together; nothing special."

"Mmm hmm," the imp nodded slyly, "not _yet,_ anyway."

Connie's blood shot north, and she could feel her face heating up faster than she could blink.

"W-what's that supposed to mean?!"

"Aw, come _on,_ Connie!" Millie nudged her teasingly, "I've seen the way you act around Loona. You really like her."

"Of course I like her," the hellcat shrugged, "we've been best friends since we were 11."

"No, silly!" Millie giggled, her tail curling into a heart formation, "I mean _like_ like her. As more than a friend."

"Huh?" Connie gasped, shaking her head, "But that doesn't make any sense! How would you even know that?"

"Recall the beach incident," the female imp pointed out, "we all already know that you're a lesbian, so it's not impossible that you have the hots for Loona. An' you were practically by her side the entire time...especially when she had eyes for that sperm donor of yours."

"So?" Connie folded her arms self-consciously, "I was just making sure none of those perverted humans touched her. That's all."

"But I think there's more to it than that," Millie continued, "I think you might've been jealous."

"Jealous? Why would I have been jealous?"

"Because someone other than you had caught Loona's eye."

Connie let the statement settle in. Now, reassessing the memories she had of that warm spring break evening, all those confusing feelings she had grappled with weren't so confusing anymore. In fact, she was starting to believe that her coworker was right. Why else would the hellcat have been so conflicted, and—dare she admit it a second time—terrified?

"Okay," Connie admitted, tugging at her black collar, "maybe I was a little jealous, now that you mention it. But I still don't understand why I was so scared to lose Loona. I mean, at first I thought it was because of my parents disowning me, but..."

"It's because you have feelings for her," Millie intrigued, "love feelings. Am I right, Connie?"

The revelation associated with those words slammed into Connie like a freight train. It struck her with the intensity of a thunderbolt, electrifying every inch of her body into alertness. It was like witnessing a second big bang; stars exploded, the universe expanded, and all was so abundantly and unbelievably clear. And just like that, for the first time in her two plus decades of life, she began to view her relationship with Loona in a completely disparate light.

_Love. Feelings._

"Millie," Connie whispered, "I think you might be right. After everything that's happened...it's finally starting to make sense. I think I really _do_ feel that way about Loona. But please...promise me you won't tell Blitzo. This is way more personal than the whole sperm donor thing. He would totally _lose his shit."_

"I figured, sugar cube," Millie mused, "an' don't worry, your secret's safe with me. At least, for the time bein'. So now that you know...what're you gonna do about it?"

Before Connie could answer, she could feel her phone vibrating in her pocket. Digging it out and noticing a text from Loona, she glanced up at Millie sheepishly, sliding past the lock screen.

"Well, ain't that a coincidence?" the imp remarked, sassily placing a hand on her hip.

"Oh, stop," Connie rolled her eyes at her playfully, opening the text.

 **moonlight_howling_666:** Hey Nia, I was just wondering if you had any plans for tonight?

The hellcat raised an eyebrow at the message curiously, her gaze flicking from her phone to Millie, who glanced at her with a look that screamed, "well, what are you waiting for?" Smiling, Connie returned her attention to her phone, typing a response and hitting "send". And thus, the conversation began.

 **sashimi_kitty228:** not that i know of. what's up?

 **moonlight_howling_666:** You know that skating rink downtown? They're having some free "dynamic duo" event going on tonight, and I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna meet up with me there? 

**sashimi_kitty228:** sounds like fun! but i haven't roller-skated in a really long time, so i might be a little out of practice...

 **moonlight_howling_666:** That's okay, I can show you the ropes if you need me to! I have some experience under my belt because I rollerblade all the time haha 😉

 **sashimi_kitty228:** well, okay. as long as you don't mind <3

 **moonlight_howling_666:** Great! I'll see you around eight, if that's okay?

 **sashimi_kitty228:** kk, see you then!

"Aw, roller skatin' sounds like a lot of fun!" Millie interjected, grinning at Connie, "I think I'll take my Moxxie to that. Don't worry, we'll just stick around until you're ready to meet up with Loona, an' then we'll get out of your hair."

"Well, I could definitely use some moral support," Connie admitted, "I'm a little nervous about this. Like I said, I haven't roller-skated in a really long time, and I don't want to embarrass myself in front of Loonie..."

"Don't worry, Nia," the imp assured her, "I've got you covered. But first, why don't we pick out a new outfit for you? By the time I'm done with you, you'll be ready for a night on the town!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The outfit Millie had selected for Connie was surprisingly comfortable, and even a little similar to her own. The ripped black pants and matching boots fit her form perfectly, but were still just as flexible as the fabric of her faded maroon crop top, which covered her shoulders and arms, but had a rounded rectangular opening wide enough to expose a healthy dose of cleavage.

Connie was sitting on a bench, slipping on her roller skates, having locked her boots away in the roller rink's locker room. They were just as black as her ripped pants, and would have blended in with them perfectly, if not for the skates' blood-red shoelaces and wheels. The hellcat took a deep breath. She saw no sign of Loona anywhere in the sidelines where she sat, scouting her out from all angles of the roller rink. Maybe the hellhound was running late? Either that, or she was here already, and Connie hadn't noticed.

"Oh, hey Connie. You're here too?"

Moxxie's voice rang out behind her, albeit a little nervously, as he and Millie approached. The latter was dragging her husband along, as this was clearly his first time on roller skates. Connie stifled a giggle, patting the open space on the bench beside her.

"Hey, M&M," the hellcat greeted, "have you seen Loona anywhere? I know I'm here early, but I can't find her."

"Nope, sorry," Millie shrugged, plopping down on the farthest side of the bench, while Moxxie situated himself between them.

"Oh, so you're the other half of her 'dynamic duo'?" Moxxie intrigued, raising an eyebrow at Connie curiously.

"Yeah, I guess," she laughed, tugging at her collar, "I mean, I must be, if she invited me here."

"Heh, you and Loona," Moxxie playfully rolled his eyes at her, "I don't have the slightest idea why, but she's much nicer to you than she is to everyone else at the office. I'm beginning to think she really likes you."

"You think so?" Connie's ears pricked at the notion, "Because I really like her too. A lot, actually."

"Really?" the male imp mused, "Well, I won't pry into your friendship like our _boss_ would. Satan knows if he'd stop unless he got to the bottom of it."

"Hehe..." Connie gulped, hoping even further that Blitzo would never find out about her astronomical crush on his adoptive daughter, "yeah...that's for sure."

"Hey, Nia," Millie remarked, pointing towards the center of the skating rink, "looks like she's waitin' for ya!"

Connie practically sprang to her feet, carefully maneuvering herself a foot away from the bench, where she peeked out from behind a nearby pole. Sure enough, Loona was in the skating rink, gracefully gliding among the other skaters. The instant Connie caught sight of her best friend, her heart skipped a beat.

The hellhound had tied her hair into a messy ponytail, which was draped over her left shoulder. Along with the same pair of skates that all the other patrons wore, she sported a pair of extremely short shorts; so short that the pockets were showing, as well as a small red and black crop top, short-sleeved and just below her shoulders, embroidered with the word "SAVAGE" on the front in all caps. She had also replaced her usual spiked collar with a solid black one, from which a red pendant with an upside-down black cross in the center dangled.

Coincidentally, an indie rendition of the song "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" began to play over the speakers, which couldn't have fit Connie's moment of admiration better.

"Whoa," Connie whispered, still marveling over Loona's appearance.

"Well, what're you waitin' for?" Millie prompted, "Go over there and get her attention!"

"I...I don't know if I should..."

"You could always try to wave to her," Moxxie suggested, attempting to stand up from his place on the bench, "if that's easier. Millie and I will leave you two alone."

"Right," Millie nodded, dragging her husband away again, "good luck, Nia!"

Connie sighed as they left, her gaze still fixated on the gorgeous hellhound on the wooden floor of the skating rink. If the hellcat had been impressed by Loona's outfit of choice for Loo Loo Land, then _this one_ nearly brought her to her knees.

♫ You're just too good to be true  
I can't take my eyes off of you  
You'd be like heaven to the touch  
I wanna hold you so much ♫

It wasn't long before Loona caught sight of Connie from across the rink. She smiled at her from under her beautiful silver hair, casually gliding over to the hellcat upon reaching her corner of the room. She tipped her right skate forward, braking in front of Connie, who could've sworn she saw a light dusting of pink across her cheeks.

♫ And if you feel like I feel  
Please let me know that it's real  
You're just too good to be true  
Can't take my eyes off of you ♫

"Hey, Connie," Loona greeted, "glad you could make it! I love your outfit."

"Heh, thanks," Connie replied warmly, "you look amazing, too."

"Ready to skate?" the hellhound prompted, brushing her bangs out of her eyes.

"Sure! I'll try my best."

Loona chuckled, reaching for Connie's wrist and gently pulling her into the rink.

"Don't worry, I've got your back."

Loona released her hold on Connie once they were both in the arena, slowly taking the lead with a wave of her long, fluffy tail. She seemed to know exactly what she was doing, her feet rhythmically lifting off of the wooden floor and touching down on her skates' wheels, propelling her forward with each smooth stride. It was almost hypnotic to observe.

♫ Pardon the way that I stare  
There's nothing else to compare  
The sight of you leaves me weak  
There are no words left to speak ♫

Connie found herself envying her best friend's movements, especially since she wasn't doing as well as she had hoped. She was beginning to fall behind, almost stumbling and falling several times. The hellcat sighed, struggling to keep up with Loona, even though she really was trying her hardest to maintain a steady pace. Loona glanced over her right shoulder, and upon noticing this, slowly wheeled around to face her, slowing her pace with a light tap to her left skate brake.

"Come on, let's have a little fun," the hellhound took both of Connie's hands in her own with a warm smile, "I promised you I'd show you the ropes, you know."

"Uh, sure," Connie returned the gesture, albeit a little nervously, "lead the way."

Loona playfully obliged, and after a moment of simple gliding, she began to move her skates. Inch by inch, step by step, she and Connie began to move a little faster. The whole time, they never tore their eyes away from each other, locking gazes as though the other person was the only one in the room. If only for a moment, it appeared as though everything was frozen in time; only Connie's heartbeat picked up speed, thudding in her ears.

♫ And if you feel like I feel  
Please let me know that it's real  
You're just too good to be true  
I can't take my eyes off of you ♫

Unfortunately, that was when the hellcat slipped up, quite literally. She'd been so caught up in Loona's presence that she'd completely lost track of the fact that she was skating with her. Connie failed to notice that she was losing her balance, specifically on her right foot, and was caught completely off guard when it slipped from under her. She released a startled squeal, clenching her eyes shut, expecting to collide with the hard floor.

However, her fall came to an abrupt and unexpected halt. She could feel her back being supported; held, and almost couldn't believe her luck. When Connie cautiously pried open her bright blue eyes, she found herself face-to-face with Loona, who appeared to be just as surprised as she was. Her best friend had caught her before she could fall any further. Loona almost appeared to be dipping her in the position that she now stood in, blinking down at her in a mixture of relief and admiration.

"See? I told you I had your back," Loona mused, setting Connie back on her feet, "uh...are you okay, Connie?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Connie chuckled in relief, "Thanks, Loonie. Call me crazy, but I'm kinda glad that you caught me."

"Let's try again," the hellhound hummed, intertwining her left hand's fingers with Connie's right, "but this time, we'll _both_ have a head start." 

♫ I love you baby  
And if it's quite alright  
I need you baby  
To warm my lonely nights  
I love you baby  
Trust in me when I say ♫

Holding Connie's hand, Loona gently tugged the hellcat alongside her, resuming her slow pace so Connie could catch on to her skating pattern. Sure enough, she glanced down at her feet, and she was beginning to get the hang of it. In a blinkered rush of happiness, Connie exchanged excited glances with Loona, laughing and smiling as they skated onward together.

That beautiful smile, her adorable laugh...two of the only things in this life that could melt Loona's heart like an ice cube. The hellhound's luminescent white eyes, which glowed like a pair of earthly moons against the blood red of Hell's sky, flickered in the dark as a sudden rush of warmth cascaded through her veins. It was a strange and wonderful burst of ecstasy; a breath of fresh air after years of being submerged in an ocean of loveless shadows.

She could get used to this feeling.

♫ Oh pretty baby  
Don't bring me down I pray  
Oh pretty baby  
Now that I've found you stay  
And let me love you, baby  
Let me love you ♫

"Aw, look at them, Mox," Millie purred, leaning on the railing outside of the rink and admiring her coworkers' chemistry from afar, "remind you of anythin' in particular?"

"Hmm..." her husband pondered aloud, "if you're talking about our first date, I beg to differ. They're less awkward than I was."

"That's not how I remember it~" Millie mused, kissing the top of his forehead, "you were more romantic than any man I'd ever met, and I fell for you right then and there."

"Thanks, honey," Moxxie chuckled, returning the gesture, "but I'm curious. Why would you compare our first date to Loona and Connie skating together?"

Millie glanced across the skating rink at the two hellborns, smiling as she noticed, for the first time, that the pair were holding hands.

"What can I say? There are times where they remind me of us. And tonight is one of 'em."


	9. S1 Minisode E: After the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A massive thunderstorm hits Imp City while Loona and Connie are alone in the office. Not wanting to see the latter so upset, the former attempts to comfort her until the power comes back on.

Remarkably, it was entirely possible for precipitation to occur in Hell. Snow could often be seen falling in the winter, while the rest of the year was bearably warm. By extension, during the other three seasons, if there was to be any other form of weather phenomena besides said bearably warm temperatures, it would be rain. And in most instances, due to the nine months of heat, the average rainfall would often find itself escalating into a full-on storm in no time at all, complete with flashes of lightning and claps of thunder the likes of which humans have never seen.

How exactly were thunderstorms in Hell different? Well, for starters, lightning would not just flash across the sky, but illuminate entire rings with its blinding pulsation, causing one to lose sight of what was in front of them because anything and everything in the outside world would be consumed in a brilliant flash of white light.

However, despite this, the lightning never struck anything or anyone, and not one individual outside would be in danger of anything other than losing their way due to the flashes. It was always paired with a bout of Hell-induced thunder, rendering both phenomena entirely different and infinitely more terrifying than their earth counterparts.

Especially if you were easily startled by certain loud noises, which Connie unfortunately was.

The hellcat was seated on the singular corduroy couch in the I.M.P lounge, scrolling through Voxtagram as she usually did while on her lunch break. Across the room from her, Loona was leaning on her desk, staring at the nearest window and watching as one of Hell's infamous thunderstorms raged outside.

"Damn," the hellhound remarked nonchalantly, returning her unamused gaze to her desktop computer, "I haven't seen a storm like this for a few months. It's too bad everyone else had to go to the living world and miss it."

"Heh...yeah..." Connie replied, her voice laced with nervous sarcasm, "it's a shame that they got to leave the office and avoid this shitty, inexplicable, anxiety-inducing thunderstorm—"

If the storm was a sentient being, it sure as hell didn't like that comment. Mere seconds after the marketing manager had spoken, thunder roared overhead, accompanied by a burst of lightning, flashing against the window in all its split-second, blinding white glory. Connie gasped, scooting towards the end of the couch that was the farthest away from the outside commotion and gripping the arm rest with her free hand, shakily holding her phone with the other.

"Is...everything okay over there, Connie?" Loona prompted, glancing past her computer monitor to check on her best friend.

"Yeah, of course!" Connie nodded back at her, forcing herself to regain her composure, "You don't have to worry about me, Loonie. I'm sure you're busy."

"Mmm, not really," the hellhound admitted, "we haven't had any client calls since everyone else left for the last target. I'm actually bored as fuck."

"Really? That does sound kinda—"

Another clap of thunder echoed outside the office building, followed by another surge of lightning, eliciting a faint whimper from Connie. Loona's eyes darted in her direction once again, and she raised an eyebrow at her in concern.

"Are you _sure_ you're okay?" she reiterated, unconvinced.

"It's nothing to worry about, really," Connie insisted, her tail wound around the base of her ankles, having tucked her knees beneath her chin upon being startled, "I shouldn't be scared of something as trivial as a thunderstorm, anyway..."

However, it wasn't long before the adverse weather conditions became the least of her worries. A third and much louder explosion of thunder and lightning quickly doused all electricity in Imp City. Within seconds, every light in the room, save for the screen of Connie's smartphone, went dark, stunning both women in the lounge.

"Shit!" Loona sighed in frustration, whipping out her phone, "Well, this is great. The power's out, the landlines are dead, and according to my phone, we have no Wi-Fi. Now we're gonna be twice as fucking bored out of our skulls! Well, I guess we'll have to find something else to do, Connie. Do you have any...ideas...?"

The hellhound cut herself short upon hearing a wet sniffle from across the room. Her night vision made it easy enough to see in the unlit space, but it was impossible to miss Connie's glowing blue eyes, which were stained with freshly-spilled tears. Loona could feel her heart softening at the sight, and her feet subconsciously guided her away from the receptionist desk, over to where Connie was sitting, curled into herself and silently crying.

"I didn't think you were okay," Loona whispered, seating herself next to the distressed hellcat, "you know, I'd never think any less of you, even if you actually are scared of storms. Is that what's bothering you?"

"No, no," Connie shook her head, swiping away at her eyes to prevent her eyeliner from smudging, "it's not the storm, Loona. It's the noise that comes with it."

"The noise? Oh, you don't like the thunder."

"Maybe not the thunder for say," the hellcat sniffled, "like I said, it's the noise...because it reminds me of when my parents used to yell and scream at each other."

"Oh...I'm sorry," Loona replied sympathetically, resting her left hand on top of Connie's right, "I didn't know your parents used to fight. I mean, I know that they're homophobic assholes, but I had no idea that they didn't get along."

"Their marriage is a fucking train wreck," Connie muttered bitterly, "sure, we had fun times together, but that was when it was just one of them and me. When they were in the same room, it was like watching two bulls go at each others' throats. They hate each other. They'll deny it to no end, but they _hate_ each other."

"Why didn't they just get a divorce?" Loona intrigued, "Were they in a forced marriage?"

"No, but they were irresponsible twats and had too much fun under the sheets," the hellcat sighed, "they made me by accident. I think they felt obligated to stay together or something."

"Don't you _ever_ call yourself an accident," Loona locked eyes with her with an almost frigid tone, placing a hand on her shoulder, "no one is ever an accident. Some dickheads just end up with kids they don't deserve. And Connie, trust me when I say that there's not a single soul in all of Hell that really, truly deserves you. I mean, there are times where I feel like I don't deserve you."

Connie sighed contentedly, managing a smile for her hellhound friend. She retracted her hand from beneath Loona's sliding it on top and intertwining her fingers with her friend's.

"I doubt that. Nobody puts up with me like you do."

"Oh, stop," Loona chuckled, guiding Connie onto her lap from behind and draping her arms over the hellcat's shoulders, "if anything, nobody puts up with _me_ like _you_ do."

"I guess we're two of a kind, then," Connie shrugged, "in more ways than one. That's kind of ironic, isn't it? Two lost girls who just want to find their place in the seven rings meet at some point down the road. Right when they're wondering how they got so lost in the first place."

Loona nodded silently, picking up on her friend's reversion to a melancholy mood. The hellhound hated seeing Connie reliving her past, especially after all the work she'd done to move on and get over her parents. Somehow, the awful memories would occasionally come back to haunt her, stirred by some subtle comment or occurrence out of her control. In that moment, all the hellhound wanted was to numb the pain of Connie's emotional band-aid being ripped away yet again.

Maybe there was one way. Loona didn't resort to the method she had in mind very often, but there was a chance that it just might ease Connie's mind. And to the hellhound, it was a chance worth taking.

♪ If the sun is to set  
To leave us dark with regret  
I will work up the strength  
To pull the earth back round again ♪

♪ If the ocean should freeze  
Before we've sailed all of the seas  
I will drop to my knees  
Until Poseidon agrees ♪

Connie's eyes widened at Loona's acapella voice, her heart picking up speed instantaneously, but didn't dare move from her position in the hellhound's lap. She was too star-struck to think about anything else, getting lost in Loona's serenading vocals.

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

If there were ever a single voice in all of Hell that resembled that of an angel without a shadow of a doubt, then it belonged to Loona. Connie swiveled around in her lap, gazing up at her in awe as she continued. The hellhound smiled down at her best friend warmly, heat flowing into her cheeks as she repositioned her arms to wrap around Connie's midsection. All the while, Loona hugged her closer, never once tearing her eyes away from her.

♪ If you get scared of the space  
Between now and those days  
Well I will take you away  
Somewhere fear has no place ♪

♪ We'll make ashes of our clothes  
And grow a garden out of those  
And watch the water as it rose  
To bring the ocean to our toes ♪

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
Where we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

♪ Because it's true  
Distance just makes my heart grow for you  
Everything I want for us to do  
To build an island between me and you  
Build an island between me and you ♪

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

♪ And we could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

♪ We could build an island  
You and I could swim beside  
And we could ride the tide  
Until we fall asleep at night ♪

"Loona...you can sing?!" Connie gasped, once the hellhound had finished.

"Sure, can't everyone?" Loona chuckled, shrugging and raising an eyebrow at her.

"Not as good as you," the hellcat shook her head excitedly, her face lighting up, "you have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard!"

"Heh, thanks," Loona blushed, adjusting her bangs, "you know, I've never heard you sing before, either. Is there any chance I could hear you try it?"

"Hmm," Connie mused, "maybe some other time. At least, a day when the power isn't out."

"Fair enough," Loona nodded, wrapping her long, fluffy tail around the two of them.

"Hey, Loonie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," Connie leaned into the hellhound's chest, finally returning the hug from earlier, "for everything. You really are the best."


	10. S1 Minisode F: Maybe You Don't Suck-Ubus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Verosika Mayday approaches Heather on the afternoon that her freelance period comes to a close. Upon discovering the reasoning behind his ex's visit, Blitzo becomes increasingly concerned, and not just about her motivations.

"Sweet Satan, I hope the spring break rush is over..." Heather muttered, sifting through the client filing cabinets in the copier room, "that was the most business that we've _ever_ had. And to think that all we had to do was slice our existing prices in half!"

The hellcat had been stuck at the office all day, filing the remainder of the post-Hellentine's Day paperwork, while the imp assassins of the company went to the human world and fulfilled a few new assassination requests. Monotonous? Yes. But absolutely necessary, as Moxxie specifically consulted Heather on the matter, and both had agreed that Blitzo should not be left alone with so many important documents at the same time. That being said, she had opted to wear a more business-oriented outfit for the day: a long-sleeved blue crop top, black jeans and matching high-heeled boots, and a gold necklace with a rounded gold charm dangling from the center.

As Heather pushed in the final drawer of the metal filing cabinet, which was designated for clients whose names began with "M", she noticed movement through the adjacent window of the room from the corner of her eye. The window positioned directly outside of Verosika Mayday's makeshift studio, which was currently being disassembled, as the pop star's stay in the office building was to expire that afternoon. Which, judging by Heather's brief glance at I.M.P's wall clock, was only 15 minutes away.

Vortex and the other seven members of Verosika's crew were busy carrying several boxes of sound recording equipment out of the rental office, down the hallway and straight to the elevator to deliver them to Verosika's hot pink Porsche. The car, as a result of the bet between the entourage of succubi and incubi and I.M.P several business days prior, had been forced to be relocated to the parking garage down the street; inconveniently located at least a block and a half away from the office building. The walking distance between there and the business plaza was the only factor for which Heather offered the pop star any pity, albeit silently.

When the group had dispersed, Verosika emerged from the room, nonchalantly watching them depart with both gloved hands on her hips. Somehow, by a miraculous (or in Heather's case, entirely undesired) circumstance, the red tabby hellcat had caught the pink succubus's eye. She repositioned herself to face her casual observer through the window. To Heather's surprise, Verosika showed no signs of hostility. In fact, she seemed...significantly less flirtatious? If that was even possible for a demon of her species.

As if that alone wasn't enough to catch Heather off guard, Verosika's lips faded into a ghost of a smile, and she turned and disappeared from view. Heather cautiously exited the copier room, rounding a corner in the office's hallway to pour herself some water from the jug dispenser in the lobby. The hellcat sipped from her paper cup, all the while grappling with an internal debate regarding the succubus's whereabouts and motivations.

_Why is Verosika acting so unusually nice today? Is she just trying to hit on me again? During business hours? Oh, bloody hell...maybe it's a good thing that Blitz isn't here to see this..._

"You're one of my ex-boyfriend's employees, right?"

Heather nearly choked on her water upon hearing Verosika's voice behind her, surprised by her sudden appearance. However, she quickly regained her composure, swallowing the cool liquid and peering over her shoulder at the pop star with an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, I work here as a lookout and close-range assassin. But I'm sure watching me sort through the filing cabinets wasn't indicative of that."

"No, but I remember you and one of your coworkers taking out the giant monster fish during our little 'bet' in the human world," Verosika remarked, approaching the water cooler and pouring herself a drink, "so I had a suspicion that you at least worked in the building."

"Yeah," Heather nodded, "so are you here as a client, or...?"

"Actually," the succubus replied coolly, "I'm here to see you."

"Why am I not surprised?" the red tabby hellcat sighed, taking a sip from her water.

"I know what you're thinking," Verosika acknowledged her, "you're still offput by what I said to you during the whole parking space fiasco. But before you write me off completely...hear me out, okay? I just wanted to talk."

Heather blinked up at the pop star in surprise. This was a side of her that she hadn't expected to see; an amicable and tolerable side that was almost a complete 180 from her behavior just weeks prior, open to a non-flirtatious and honest conversation. Finally gathering enough respect to face the succubus, Heather turned around, her tail flicking with curiosity as she granted Verosika her full attention.

"Hmm...okay," the hellcat agreed, "as long as you don't act like a bitch on heat, I don't mind."

"Thank you," Verosika smiled graciously, "I don't understand your slang at all, but unlike some people, I can take a hint."

"You didn't seem to 'take a hint' a few weeks ago," Heather pointed out, "why is that?"

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Verosika admitted, "okay, I'm gonna be completely honest with you. The flirtatious remarks I made towards you? Initially, I was just trying to get under Blitzo's skin."

"Well, he wasn't the only one whose skin you got under..." Heather muttered, taking another sip of her water.

"I know," the pop star continued, "don't get me wrong, I'm satisfied that it worked on him, but I didn't mean to make _you_ that uncomfortable. And it bothers me that we never got to have a normal conversation because of it, so I came here to apologize."

"Apologize?" Heather nearly dropped her cup in astonishment, "That's why you wanted to talk to me? I feel kind of guilty now, because I thought you just wanted to hit on me again. You know, since Blitz isn't here to stop you."

"Oh, I wouldn't take advantage of anyone like that," Verosika assured her, "do you have any idea how many dickheads have harassed me over the years? I fucking lost count a long time ago, but it's not fun to put up with. That's why I decided to hire Vortex."

"I can imagine," Heather shook her head, finally starting to open up to the succubus, "I mean, you're a pop sensation. Who wouldn't want a piece of you?"

"I'd say the same for you, uh..." Verosika paused, realizing that she had never been properly introduced to the hellcat, "huh. You know, I never got your name. I guess I was too preoccupied to ask for it when we first met. Can we start over?"

"Sure," Heather chuckled, disposing of her now-empty paper cup in a nearby waste bin before offering her right hand, "I'm Heather Barlowe. It's nice to finally meet you."

"No shit, you're a Barlowe?" the pop star shook her head in amusement, shaking hands with the hellcat, "No wonder you're so cool! I'm Verosika Mayday, but you probably already knew that."

"Oh, uh...thanks," Heather replied, flattered, "how do you know about my family?"

"How could I _not_ know?" Verosika elaborated, "The Barlowes are so filthy fucking rich and successful that they're practically overlords! Unless you're from a different Barlowe family. What are your parents' names?"

"Brutus and Lorraine."

"No way," Verosika shook her head in disbelief, "isn't your mom the current C.E.O of _Pentagram City Couturier?_ And that means that your dad is..."

"...The founder and owner of the Lust Ring's pristine _Cassowary Nightclub?"_ Heather finished the succubus's sentence for her, "Yeah, they're both definitely my parents."

"You lucky daughter of a bitch," Verosika mused, "I'm surprised that I've never heard about you before, Heather. Haven't you ever had any publicity because of your famous parents?"

"Actually, no," the hellcat shook her head, "they weren't really 'famous' per say when I was a kid. They were captains of the Goetia family's royal guard. Even so, we've kept it quiet. We're not big on unnecessary attention."

"What I wouldn't give to have that kind of privacy sometimes," the succubus muttered, "don't get me wrong, I have plenty of security at my place, but there will always be the occasional breach attempt. Also, I'm not big on the rich-people-dating-rich-people-for-reputation bullshit."

"Ugh, me neither!" Heather nodded avidly, "That's _exactly_ why I dumped my ex-boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind dating other wealthy people, but I will _never_ date a snobby asshole like him again. But hey, lesson learned, right?"

"I guess," Verosika shrugged, "while we're on the subject of 'dating', come to think of it, I don't think I've never dated another woman before. I mean, I've gotten close, but...meh, you probably don't want to hear about that. I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable again."

"Huh? Oh, it's okay!" Heather assured her, "I'm bi. And even if I wasn't, I wouldn't mind talking about it with you. Actually, I think we have a lot more in common than I let on."

"You could be right," the pop star hummed, "again, sorry for the shitty first impression. I hope it doesn't make things awkward between us."

"Don't worry about it," the hellcat waved her off reassuringly, "you don't seem like such a bad person, now that I have the chance to talk to you personally. That being said, I'm willing to give you a chance."

"You're not as vindictive about my flirting with you as I thought you'd be," Verosika observed, smiling down at her, "you're actually...kind of sweet. I like that about you."

"You're not too bad yourself," Heather added, "I'm sure we'll get along just fine."

"Hmm...now that you mention it," Verosika suggested, toying with her long, flowing hair, "I think I'd like to get to know you better, Heather. But we should probably do it somewhere other than this office. How about we grab some dinner tonight? Just the two of us."

"Excuse me, boss," Vortex interjected, peering through the door of the I.M.P headquarters from the hallway, "we got everything packed up and ready to go. Should I pull the Porsche out front for you?"

"Thanks, Tex," Verosika nodded, peering at him over her shoulder, "you can go ahead and do that. I'll be there in a minute."

The hulking hellhound nodded silently, grunting in recognition and departing for the elevator once again, leaving the two women alone in front of the water cooler. They exchanged friendly glances as Verosika whipped out a notepad and a hot pink gel pen, scribbling something on the paper before ripping it out and handing it to Heather.

"Let me know if you're interested when you get the chance, hun," the succubus winked, crouching down enough that she was on Heather's eye level, "like I said, I'm free tonight. Ta-ta!"

The succubus turned and left, but not before, intentionally or not, sliding her tail beneath Heather's chin. The hellcat watched Verosika strut down the hall in her shiny high-heeled boots, listening to their rhythmic clinking against the hard floor until all was silent once again. She felt a pang of disappointment, but she quickly brushed it off as irrelevant, and just in time: the Grimoire's portal opened into the lounge, and Moxxie, Millie, and Blitzo sprang into the office.

"Another mission accomplished!" Blitzo grinned, waving across the room at Heather upon noticing her presence, "Oh, hey Heather! How was the paperwork?"

"Heh, it was fine, I guess," the hellcat returned the gesture, rubbing her neck with the hand that wasn't holding Verosika's note, "we're all caught up with the spring break files."

"Oh, excellent work," Moxxie acknowledged her, sparing Blitzo an annoyed glance, "I knew we could count on someone to get the job done right _the first time."_

"See, Mox?" Millie nudged her husband playfully, "I told you everythin' would work out!"

"So, Heather," Blitzo intrigued, approaching her with a playful smirk, "anything interesting happen while we were gone?"

"Actually, yes," Heather admitted, glancing down at the piece of paper in her hands.

On the note, in the most readable cursive writing that she had ever seen, Verosika had scrawled her cell phone number, along with a rather endearing message for Heather, the i's of which were dotted with little hearts, including the signature of the writer.

_Here's my number! If you're still up for dinner tonight, call me when you get the chance ♥_

_~ Verosika_

"Whatcha got there?" Blitzo prompted, glancing over Heather's shoulder.

"Your ex-girlfriend invited me out to dinner," she replied sheepishly.

"Oh, that's ni—" the imp paused his eyes practically bursting from their sockets as the statement settled in, "wait, _what?!_ Was she harassing you again?! How many fucking times do I need to tell that whore-ass bitch to leave you alone?!"

"As in, Verosika Mayday?" Millie piped up, her eyes glued to Heather in shock.

"As in, the pop star from our bet?!" Moxxie added.

"No no no, it's okay guys!" Heather waved him off, "I'm okay with it. Verosika is actually kinda nice. Believe it or not, she came over here and apologized for flirting with me, and the conversation just took off from there. As it turns out, we have a lot in common!"

"Oh, you do?" Blitzo raised an eyebrow at her, "Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense, since she and I used to have a lot in common...and you and I are practically best friends because of how much _we_ have in common. But that doesn't change the fact that she probably wants to eat something other than _dinner_ with you! Hint hint, special emphasis on the _you!"_

"It's not that kind of dinner!" Heather blurted out, quickly shoving the note into her jeans, "We just wanted to talk some more, that's all!"

"Mmm hmm," Blitzo nodded sarcastically, "that's what I said when I first went out with her. The next thing I knew, I was bedding up with her in some cheap-ass hotel room with my dick six inches deep in her hot-pink ass!"

"What the fuck is going on out here?!" Loona snapped, emerging from the lounge and clearly appalled by her adoptive father's previous comment.

"Verosika Mayday asked Heather out!" Millie explained.

"What?!" Loona's jaw dropped to the floor as she shouted down the hallway to her best friend, "Connie, get in here! You won't _believe_ the shit I just picked up on!"

"Alright, I'm coming!" Connie called back, appearing in the lounge mere moments later, "What's all the commotion?"

"Heather's going on a date with Verosika Mayday!" the hellhound smirked.

"No fucking way!" Connie gasped, turning to Heather, "Is this true?!"

"Alright, alright!" Heather rolled her eyes, glaring at her coworkers in exasperation, "Can everyone else _please_ leave the room so I can have a private conversation with Blitz? You don't like it when people invade your privacy!"

"She has a point," Moxxie shrugged, "we should probably give them some space."

The other employees reluctantly agreed, dispersing into their respective offices, leaving Heather and Blitzo alone in the lounge. Taking a deep breath, followed by a slow exhale, Heather returned her attention to her best friend, fully prepared to reach a point of compromise.

"We're just going out for dinner," Heather continued, "look, I get it, Blitz. Verosika is your ex-girlfriend and you hate each others' guts. I won't pry into your romantic life, because it's none of my business. But I'm serious, I really do want to get to know her. She seems like a legitimately nice woman, and I'm willing to give her a chance. And I already told you, I'm not into the whole sex-before-marriage bullshit, so why are you so worried?"

"One word," Blitzo replied straightforwardly, "Connor. _That's_ why I'm worried."

Heather sighed at the mention of the name. Connor was a barista imp whom she had met when Blitzo had suggested that they try a different coffee place than the usual Hot Head Café. At the time, Connor had seemed very warm and friendly, so when he had asked Heather out on a date, she had been happy to oblige. However, towards the middle of their dinner at a restaurant, when Heather had left to use the women's room, Connor had snuck off and started hanging out with a female imp, whom he had apparently deemed as a sexier specimen.

Needless to say, Heather had _not_ taken it well.

"Connor?" the red tabby hellcat prompted, "What does he have to do with anything we were just talking about?"

"Because he ditched you in the middle of your date," Blitzo explained, "and from what Spindle told me, while you were waiting for one of your Voxtagram mutuals to see your post and come pick you up, you proceeded to get drunk and cry out your feelings in the restaurant booth."

"So did you!" Heather pointed out, "Remember? You were on a date at Wenbie's around the same time! I was scrolling through your Voxtagram before Moxxie and Millie came to get me."

"Okay, fair," Blitzo admitted, "look, I just...Verosika is a succubus, and they're known to sleep around indiscriminately—"

"And you're an imp," Heather countered coolly, "a demon species that was repeatedly scorned and discriminated against in my previous workplace, especially since I was employed under the Goetia family. But that didn't stop me from giving you a chance as my friend, did it?"

That seemed to shut Blitzo up for a moment. His mouth hung open, as if he wanted to forge a rebuttal, but quickly clamped it shut, at a complete loss for words.

"It's sweet of you to worry about me, Blitz," Heather assured the imp, placing a hand on his shoulder, "but the Connor situation was an isolated incident. I was having a bad week, and the failed date was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I've seen both sides of Verosika now, so even if this one dinner doesn't work out, I'm sure I'll be fine."

"And if it goes well and you start dating?"

"We'll cross that bridge when and if we come to it. You know I was planning on consulting you first, right? Because I would never go out with one of your exes if you weren't okay with it."

"Really?" Blitzo's expression softened, caught off guard by the unusual courtesy.

"Of course," Heather nodded with a reassuring smile, "mates before dates. That's Aussie slang, by the way. My mom taught me that."

"Mates before dates..." the imp smirked, "sounds kinda kinky."

"Blitz!" the hellcat chucked, "You're worried about me getting dirty tonight? You're so much worse than I am sometimes!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to make life more interesting," Blitzo shrugged, playfully elbowing her.

"Well, with you in it, it's already interesting," Heather mused, "so...are you fine with giving me the go-ahead?"

"Sure," Blitzo nodded, "you're a strong, sensible woman. You'll be okay. But if Verosika breaks your heart, even just a little bit...I swear to Satan, I'll kick her fucking ass."

"No. Not unless anyone is in imminent danger."

 _"Fiiiiiine_...but only because you insist."


	11. S1 Minisode G: Mates Before Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loona coaxes Blitzo's true feelings about Heather out of him to prevent him from harboring suspicions about her sleepovers with Connie. The imp then receives a surprise phone call from Heather after her dinner with Verosika Mayday.

"You're going to Connie's place _again?"_ Blitzo prompted his hellhound daughter, who was preparing to leave their shared apartment with a packed leather duffel bag, "Weren't you just over there the other day?"

"Uh, yeah," Loona raised an eyebrow at him, "we like hanging out at her place. What's so wrong about that?"

"You've been spending a _lot_ of time with her recently," Blitzo shrugged, winking at her, "I'm starting to get a little suspicious, Loonie-toony."

"Suspicious of what?" the hellhound's eyes darted around the room frantically, her cheeks tinted with a faint blush at the notion, "I don't know what you're talking about. We're just best friends spending time together, it's not a big deal."

"Mmm hmm. Seems like a big deal to you, sweetie."

"Ugh, Blitz!" Loona spat, facepalming in embarrassment, "Knock it off! My sleepovers with Connie are none of your damn business!"

"Okay, okay," the imp chuckled, waving her off, "I won't pry too much into you two, if you're so worried about it. Maybe you should invite her over _here_ for a sleepover sometime? We could have a lot of fun!"

 _"We_ will not be doing that!" Loona rolled her eyes at him, "Connie is _my_ best friend. Not yours, _mine._ And if you're going to speculate about my relationship with her so much, then why don't we have a little chat about you and Heather?"

"What about us?" Blitzo folded his arms, shaking his head playfully, "I have nothing to hide about myself from her. Don't know why you'd mention it."

"Wow, really?" Loona smirked, "Nothing? Not even your _astronomical_ crush on her?"

Blitzo gasped, his tail twanging straight upright at the mention of his deepest, darkest secret.

"What?! I don't have the hots for Heather! That's the most ridiculous fucking thing I've ever heard in my life!"

"Oh, yeah?" Loona continued, a sly grin creeping across her face, "What about that time you stole her phone in the middle of a meeting and used it to snap a picture of her in the 'Nightclub Hearts' filter?"

"So?" Blitzo scoffed, shaking his head, "I take pictures of _everyone_ in Voxtagram filters."

"Or the time you and Heather crossed paths at the Imp City Community Pool and you took a selfie with her for Voxtagram, clearly admiring her form in that lavender bikini?"

"That's not what I was doing!" the imp gaped at her in astonishment, "I was just trying to look cool for the photo..."

"Oh, here's a good one," Loona continued, "when you broke your foot and had everyone sign your cast, and you asked Heather to 'kiss it better' when she came to your office to escort you to the company van?"

"Doesn't everyone do that for people they care about?!"

"You also let Heather stay the night on the couch after she and Spindle saved you from being kidnapped," the hellhound pointed out, "remember that? And the picture you posted on her phone while she was sleeping, saying that she looked kinda cute?"

"But—"

"Oh, and lest we forget how 'Thigh Tuesday' was permanently cancelled after Heather wore those sexy white boots and a short jean skirt to work that day," Loona snickered, "and you set off the 'soiled my pants' alert on the emergency dashboard because you—"

"—accidentally came in my fucking work pants!" Blitzo groaned in embarrassment, hiding his flustered face behind his hands, "Goddamn it, Loona, why'd you have to bring that up?!"

"You started it," Loona shrugged, finally heading out of the apartment, "anyway, see you later."

With the hellhound gone, Blitzo sighed and flopped himself down on the living room couch, his exasperation fading into silent longing. He knew damn well that every single incident Loona had listed off was indicative of his true feelings for Heather. In fact, deep down, the imp was fully aware of his profound and unparalleled fondness for his hellcat employee.

He just wasn't ready to admit it yet. _Especially_ to her.

Truthfully, Blitzo had had a crush on Heather for as long as he could remember, quite possibly even the moment he'd first met her. The memory of that night alone was enough to send the imp's heart pulsing into a state of uncontrollable overdrive. The red tabby hellcat's long, plush fur; her splendid curves; those hazel eyes that glimmered like emeralds in even the darkest room. Oh, how they lit up when Heather smiled! The sight of it melted Blitzo's heart every time, an accompanying warmth cascading through his veins in a blinkered rush of happiness the likes of which he never thought was possible to feel.

Yet here he was, their friendship countless years strong, and not once had he ever mustered up enough courage to come clean to Heather. Despite all of the insecurities and discrepancies surrounding a plausible confession, a part of Blitzo avidly yearned to spill out his feelings to her, like a drink he should've skipped but convinced himself to swallow regardless. Clearly, he hadn't gotten to that stage yet. But that never kept him from his wishful thinking.

And out of the blue, Verosika Mayday had dropped back into Blitzo's life uninvited and given Heather the eye while he was hesitating. At that very moment, the two women were out on a dinner date, and the imp knew there was no going back. Verosika had always been good at piquing interests, and not just with her body. Her tongue could be as sweet as it was salty; she could spark a conversation with practically anyone that ever existed. Hell, she'd even managed to snag _Blitzo's_ attention, and he was very hard to please romantically.

Stealing his parking space was one thing, but now she was aiming to swindle something that was secretly far more valuable to him: his crush's heart. And he _loathed_ it entirely.

"Ah, shit..." Blitzo muttered, facepalming in regret, "I should've confessed to Heather sooner. Now she and that succu-bitch are probably hitting it off in some super fancy club, savoring two choice cuts of filet mignon and indulging in each other's small talk like the rich chicks they are. Damn it, Blitz, why do you have to be such a fucking pussy..."

Then, out of nowhere, a miracle happened. His hellphone's screen lit up, and the device started vibrating, prompting Blitzo to reach over to the coffee table and glance at the caller ID. The minute he picked up his phone, his jaw dropped to the floor. Without hesitation, he picked up.

Heather was calling him. And it was only 9 PM.

"Heyyy, Heather," Blitzo began nervously, "what's up? I thought you and Verosika would be out all night?"

"Heh, yeah...about that..."

"Oh fuck no," Blitzo growled, _"please_ tell me that bitch-bag didn't run off on you like that Connor asshole did."

"What? No no no no, it's okay, Blitz, I swear. I'm fine."

"Whew, that's a relief," the imp sighed, "you had me worried for a second there. So...what's going on, then?"

"Well, it's a long story, but let's just say that Verosika had a few too many drinks at the restaurant. Needless to say, we had to wrap up our dinner earlier than I anticipated."

"Oh, Heather..." Blitzo sighed, shaking his head, "I'm sorry things didn't work out. She really is a drunken whore."

"It's alright, Blitz. This one's kind of on me. I should've known what I was getting myself into when she gave me her number. I'm beginning to think that quitting Kindl was a bad decision..."

"Aw, Heather, I think you were really brave to ditch that shitty dating app and get back out there at your own pace," the imp assured her, "I know you, Heather. You're the kind of woman that wants to meet your special someone in person. There's no shame in waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to come along on their own."

"Thanks, Blitz. That means a lot to me."

"Don't mention it," Blitzo prompted, "so...are you two still at the restaurant?"

"Well, Verosika drove me here in her Porsche, and there's no way in hell that I'd ever attempt to drive her expensive car, so I called up Vortex to see what he could do. Apparently, he lives right down the street from here, so he just walked over and drove Verosika home."

"Wait, he didn't take you with them?!" Blitzo gaped at the notion.

"That's the thing, he couldn't have. Verosika's car only has two seats. I mean, Vortex offered to make two trips, but I told him it was fine, and I'd just find some other way home instead. I don't want to get him in trouble. I didn't want to cry blue murder to Moxxie and Millie about this whole situation, either, because they already drove me home when Connor ditched me a while ago—"

"Oh, I can give you a ride!" Blitzo offered, already springing off the couch and making a beeline for the door, "Say no more, Heather, I'm on my way over right now."

"Wow, really? You're gonna drop everything and come get me, just like that?"

"Hey, it's not like I had anything to actually do tonight," Blitzo admitted, shutting his apartment door and locking it behind him, "Loonie went over to Connie's place again. So what restaurant are you at?"

"Oh, Blitz...I appreciate the gesture, really, but you don't have to drive all the way down here. I'm at that _Ardor Bistro_ in the Lust Ring, that's pretty far away from your—"

"Don't worry about it," the imp insisted, slipping into the driver's seat of the I.M.P van, "I know where that is! It's that snazzy bar by the frozen yogurt store."

"Blitz, I...thank you. You really didn't have to."

"Hey, what else are friends for?" Blitzo chuckled into the phone, "Sit tight, Heather. Or...stand, whatever's more comfortable. I'll be there in a few."

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

After navigating the I.M.P company van a few rings down, Blitzo finally pulled into the _Ardor Bistro's_ parking lot. Thankfully, Heather wasn't hard to locate; she was sitting on a bench in front of the restaurant, a faux fur cream coat draped over her shoulders. Despite the fact that her outing with Verosika had been ruined just minutes ago, she seemed rather content, smiling as soon as Blitzo emerged from his van to approach her.

"Hello, Blitz," the hellcat greeted, patting the open space beside her, "cor strewth, you didn't waste any time coming over here."

"Hey, like I said," Blitzo shrugged, settling down next to her on the bench, "I had nothing else to do tonight. Besides, I kind of wanted to see you."

"Actually, so did I," Heather remarked, "I'm kind of relieved that Verosika and I didn't hit it off."

"You are?" Blitzo intrigued, raising an eyebrow at his companion in curiosity, "Why's that? Was she an asswipe?"

"What? No no no," the hellcat shook her head, "that's not it. I just...I guess I didn't feel right about going out with her."

"Ah, okay," Blitzo nodded, "I get that feeling sometimes, too."

The pair sat in silence for a moment, staring off into the distance, watching a few cars drive by.

"Hey, Blitz?"

"Hmm?"

"Be honest with me. Were you really okay with me going out with Verosika?"

"If I'm being honest?" The imp paused, reflecting on the question, "Uh...no. No, not really."

"Blitz..." Heather whispered, blinking at him in concern, "if you weren't okay with it, then why didn't you just tell me? I would've understood."

"I don't know," Blitzo admitted, shrugging, "Listen, I love being Loonie's papa bear, but you have way more experience with romance than I do. I'm like 99% sure that you know what you're doing. Anyway...I just wanted you to have another chance at happiness. Because you deserve it more than I do."

"Well, I care about your happiness, too," Heather purred, "that's why I'm a little relieved that the date didn't work out. Verosika is your ex-girlfriend, and everyone knows that your best friend's exes are off-limits in the dating scene. I'm sorry, Blitz. From now on, it's mates before dates."

Blitzo chuckled at the Australian adage, patting Heather's left hand with his right.

"You're one of the good ones, Heather. Anyone would be lucky to have you around."

"Aw, you're too sweet to me," Heather waved him off, blushing.

A cold breeze blew past the pair, causing Blitzo to shiver in the aftermath.

"Phew, it's kinda nippy tonight. I probably should've changed into a different coat."

The hellcat slipped her coat off of her arms, draping it over Blitzo instead. Although the plush garment was meant to be smaller on its wearer, his significantly lankier form had much more space within it than its target model. Blitzo pulled the fur garment closer to him, blinking at Heather gratefully.

"You have got to be the nicest, most down-to-earth rich person I've ever met. Are you sure you don't need this?"

"Hey, I'm the one with fur," Heather shrugged, "come on. Let's get out of here."


	12. S1 Episode 4: C.H.E.R.U.B (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cherubs and the I.M.P clash over the life of a shitty old man. Meanwhile, Connie gets an unexpected call from the fertility clinic that will change everything about her journey to motherhood.

(Before you start reading, I'd just like you all to know that I've picked a different outfit for Connie! From this point forward, she'll be wearing the outfit below.)

♫ Oh we are the C.H.E.R.U.B— ♫

The optimistic jingle on the conference room's TV screen was cut off when Blitzo carelessly fired his gun, sending a bullet straight through it. The device combusted, bursting into nothing more than a flaming shell of its former structure. Connie gaped at her boss in horror, glaring at him with eyes colder than ice.

"Nice one, B!" Millie complimented the imp, regardless of the damage he had caused.

"What the _fuck,_ Blitz?!" Connie spat, diminishing the blaze with a nearby fire extinguisher, "That's the third TV you've destroyed today! How are we gonna have enough in the budget for our paychecks this week?! My rent's due at the end of the month, and if I'm going to afford a second insemination procedure—"

"Ah, it'll be fine, Connie," Blitzo waved her off dully, "give me another, Mox."

Moxxie grunted, heaving a second TV onto the cart in place of the first one and turning the dial to switch it on. He cringed, awaiting the next gunshot, while Connie groaned, sliding into an open seat at the conference table next to Loona. The hellhound glanced over at her worriedly, picking up on her forlorn mood.

"I don't know how much longer I can put with with your dad's bullshit...I swear, I'm _this_ close to quitting. As Satan as my witness, _I will fucking quit."_

"Are you serious?" Loona prompted, "You're actually considering that? Did you try talking to Blitz like I suggested?"

"That's the problem," Connie sighed, "I can't explain anything to Blitz! You saw how he ignored me about the TV thing. He just doesn't give a shit. What's the point? Even if _you_ tried to reason with him, he wouldn't care..."

She glanced across the conference room at Heather, who was leaning on her right hand in sheer boredom, much like the other imps at the table.

"Maybe I should have Heather hook me up with a better job. She has connections to some successful businesses, right?"

"You _are_ serious," Loona blinked at her in surprise, her ears seeming to droop, if only a little, "well...I mean, it's good that you know when you've reached your limit, but...if you left, I'd—"

She paused, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"You'd what?" Connie intrigued, concerned, "Are you okay?"

"I just don't know how I—I mean, I.M.P," Loona muttered, "how the rest of I.M.P would react, you know, if you actually walked away from the company. That's all."

Before she could say anything else, the hellhound and hellcat nearly jumped out of their fur upon being startled by a second gunshot, which obliterated the current television set atop the cart in the same manner as its previous incarnation.

"Woo!" Millie whooped, congratulated Blitzo on his aim yet again, "You're on a _roll,_ sir!"

 _ **"Satan's fuck, Blitz, would you STOP shooting away our goddamn profits before I go apeshit on your ass?!"**_ Connie snapped, slamming her palms onto the conference table as her eyes reverted to chaotic mode.

Her voice seemed to echo off the walls, silencing everyone in the room instantaneously. However, that wasn't the only thing that seemed off. The floor was _shaking._

"Guys, do you feel that?" Loona prompted, glancing around the conference room worriedly.

"Uh...is this my bad?" Connie whispered, calming back down once again, "Because I thought the vocal aspect of my extrasensory powers didn't work unless I was in the Lust Ring."

"No, no," Blitzo shook his head, "this feels more like a Hell-shake."

"That's possible?" Moxxie blinked at his boss, confused.

"Well, I guess so," Heather shrugged, turning to her best friend, "okay, nobody panic. Millie, it's time to engage in our employee natural disaster protocol! This is a Code Red!"

"Alright!" Millie shouted, gripping her husband's face, "Don't panic, Moxxie!"

"I'm _not_ panicking," Moxxie remarked calmly, removing her grip on him, "because Hellquakes don't happen."

"I know," Heather reiterated, "I'm labeling it a Code Red because there's imminent danger, and I don't take any chances when it comes to the safety of my fellow employees. Now everyone listen up—"

"Stop getting hysterical, fatty!" Loona bellowed, smacking Moxxie across the room and against the west wall's window.

"Loona!" Connie gasped, horrified by the hellhound's actions.

"Why would you do that?!" Heather demanded, folding her arms and donning a serious face.

"He was getting everyone all fired up!" Loona protested.

"No he wasn't!" Millie objected, "What is your problem with my husband? You're always pullin' shit like this!"

While the pair were arguing, the wall where Moxxie had crash-landed collapsed as a stranger burst through it. He landed atop the resulting pile of rubble, under which the poor imp had been buried alive. Everyone in the office gaped up at the sinner who'd burst into the conference room; a tall, lanky man with a mustache that curled on both ends, dressed in black and neon green, a red cape draped over his shoulders. Several black and red robotic arms extended from his body, branching out in all directions.

"Do not be afraid," the sinner assured the group, descending the pile of rubble to approach the disgruntled employees. Loona had dropped on all fours, shielding Connie with her body and growling fiercely.

"Stay behind me, Connie," the hellhound warned, "if he wants to take you from me, he'll have to do it over my cold, dead body!"

"You're acting more protective of me than usual today," Connie remarked, brushing Loona's bristling tail out of her face, "I mean, I'm not complaining, just thought I'd point that out."

"Uh, please tell me you've got that 'insurance' thing," Blitzo groaned, clearly more concerned with the gaping void in the wall than his fallen brethren.

"Who are you and what do you want?" Millie growled through gritted teeth, whipping out a battle axe and brandishing it threateningly.

"I am Loopy Goopty," the figure introduced himself, contorting his body into, as his Hell name implied, loops, "dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!"

"Could've just used the door, dude," Loona pointed out nonchalantly, having stood up and relinquished her position in front of Connie, "doesn't need to be this whole 'thing'."

"First the TVs, and now the wall?!" Connie added, facepalming in exasperation, "Is there no justice for my paycheck here?!"

"I am eccentric," Loopty smirked, "and must therefore do eccentric _shit!"_

"Oh, Satan," Heather groaned, covering her nose after the sinner approached her, "Blitz, the scent of this guy alone is so strong that it reminds me of that crowd horny humans we had to sift through on the beach."

"Ugh, you're right!" Blitzo cringed upon taking a whiff of the sinner's scent himself, "This old fuck _reeks_ of the living world. Did you just die?"

"Yes!" Loopty nodded, "Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me here!"

 _"Just_ saying," Loona rolled her eyes, "the front door would've gotten you here fine."

"Exactly!" Connie added, "Heather, back us up on this. Please."

"The front door would've been a lot more...practical," Heather nodded, "then again, how many of our clients actually act normal?"

"Shut up, dear furries!" Loopty pushed past them, seemingly indifferent to the fact that the two were hellborns that had existed long before furries.

"What?!" the hellcats and hellhound barked, appalled by the comparison.

"This is the man I'm gonna need you to kill!" Loopty continued in a singsong voice, handing a photo of a very old and decrepit man over to Blitzo.

"Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge?" Blitzo remarked, inspecting the photograph and shaking the client's hand, "I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I'm Blitz, the 'o' is silent!"

"What 'o'?" Loopty prompted.

"Unimportant," Heather interjected, "not to be a drongo, but as with all of our other clients, we request that you pay us in advance. We'll take out the target for you, and our receptionist will contact you once the job is done."

"Aw, thank you, Heather," Blitzo replied, secretly relieved that he didn't have to answer to the sensitive question for the millionth time, "now what's the tea, sis?"

"Drongo? The tea?" Loopty cocked his head, utterly confused by the unfamiliar banter.

"Oh, right," Heather snapped her fingers, whipping out her laptop and taking a seat at the conference table, "I keep forgetting that only a few of my friends understand my Aussie slang. Sorry, it's become a habit at this point. Anyway, we'd like you to give us a little background information about your relationship with the target, and why you want him taken out. Just so we can add it to our records."

"Guys?! Help!" Moxxie croaked, still trapped beneath the pile of rubble.

"Oh shit!" Connie gasped, rushing past the rest of the group to help him while Loopty filled Heather in on his backstory, "I'm sorry, Moxxie! I got a little too distracted by the client."

"It's getting...dark..." Moxxie squeaked in pain.

Connie hurriedly began hurling chunks of the rubble out of the gaping hole from which they came, eventually freeing him from the crushing weight of the wall remnants. The hellcat dragged Moxxie to the unoccupied side of the room, checking his vitals to make sure he was still alive. Miraculously, he was.

"Are you okay, Mox?" Connie prompted, hovering over him with a few fingers displayed on her right hand, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Uh...three?" the imp guessed, still fairly dazed but correct regardless.

"Oh, good," Connie sighed in relief, "I was worried that I would have to revive you with one of my seven lives! But seriously, how are you not dead? You're like a cockroach or something."

"Mmm...cartoon logic."

The hellcat felt her leather jeans vibrating. Digging into her pocket and removing the device, Connie recognized the number of the fertility clinic almost immediately, gasping and sprinting over to Loona. She dragged the hellhound out of the room in a flurry of anxiety and excitement, hardly able to differentiate the two due to their intensity.

"Not that I'm not grateful to get away from that weird-ass client," Loona admitted, "but what's going on? Is something up?"

"I...I don't know," Connie stammered, "the fertility clinic is calling me! It could be about anything! Well, I guess I'm about to find out."

She answered the phone call, not at all prepared for the news that she was about to receive.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

Meanwhile, in the living world, the three imps and their red tabby hellcat companion were aboard a "celebrity home expedition" tour bus, which was driving past a very luxurious estate. It was nestled in an expansive neighborhood, where several famous individuals took up residence when they weren't out on the town. To blend in with the rest of the humans on the vehicle, each of the I.M.P assassins had slipped on a disguise.

Blitzo had chosen to be a clown; Moxxie and Millie simply opted to dress as elegant humans, complete with wigs and hats. Heather, on the other hand, was sporting a "downtown doll" outfit, trimmed with bead tassels, gold jewelry, and feathers. Blitzo couldn't help but admire the hellcat's form; the dark blue dress suited Heather's luscious curves perfectly.

_Wow...look at her. If style could kill, she'd be an overlord!_

At one point, Heather had caught Blitzo staring at her, his eyes sparkling in the soft white glow of the half-moon above them. She smiled curiously back at him, raising an eyebrow playfully.

"What?"

"Huh? Oh, uh, nothing," Blitzo replied, shaking himself out of his trance, "I just kinda zoned out for a minute there, heh."

"Hmm...if you say so," Heather teased, booping the imp on the nose, "just try not to _clown around_ too much on this mission, alright? The sooner we get back to HQ, the sooner we can leave for the weekend."

"Ha! Nice one."

"Gee, I wonder whose house this is?" Moxxie prompted his wife, pointing at the enormous mansion to the right of the tour bus.

"And to your right is the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton," the tour guide continued, answering his question with near impeccable timing.

"Let's do it, gang!" Blitzo grinned, signaling for the I.M.P assassins to move out.

The group leapt off of the bus, readying their weapons. Even Heather managed to make a flawless landing, despite the complexities of her dress.

"Let's _kill_ this rich guy!" Millie smirked, brandishing a blood-tinged pair of knives.

"Wait, how'd you land like that?" Blitzo asked Heather as the group ran slinked towards the mansion, "You're wearing heels!"

"Is that a serious question, Blitz?" Heather replied, brushing her hair out of her face, "I'm a _hellcat._ I land on my feet."

"Oh, right," Blitzo nodded, "for some reason, I always thought that was a myth."

"It is," Heather shrugged, "but I've been practicing my landings for so long that they just come naturally to me! Now everybody get your arses into gear; we're going into this kill balls and all!"

Upon arriving outside of Lyle's bedroom window, the quartet of murderers peered through the glass to see what they were working with.

"Wow," Moxxie remarked gravely, "that machine really did a number on him."

"I'll say," Heather nodded, pausing upon feeling something bump against her left side.

A small sock puppet, which had been stitched to look like Heather, had been slipped over Blitzo's tail. While the others listened in on Lyle's conversation with himself, the imp held up the puppet to his hellcat friend, talking to her in a high-pitched voice and attempting to mimic her light Australian accent.

"Hiya Heather! I'm mini-you! Wanna cook some shrimps on the barbie?"

Despite the fact that Heather had encouraged Blitzo not to fool around during the mission, she couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous impression of her.

"Does my accent really sound like that?"

"Nah, not even close," Blitzo shook his head, "yours is one-of-a-kind."

"Hey! What happened to going into this balls and all?!" Moxxie hushed them, "Shh!"

"Right, sorry," Heather apologized, returning her attention to the window

"Oh, fantastic!" Blitzo mused, watching as the bedridden old man attempted to tie his IV into a noose, "He's gonna do our job for us!"

"Should we go in there and tie it for him?" Moxxie suggested, noticing how long it was taking Lyle to assemble the suicide item.

"Not yet," Heather advised, "let's wait and see what happens. We shouldn't cause an unnecessary disturbance unless he changes his mind."

However, just as Lyle was about to hang himself, the IV vaporized in thin air, radiating a burst of angelic white light. The resulting force sent the I.M.P assassins flying, skidding across the perfectly-trimmed lawn.

Unfortunately for Blitzo's sock puppet, the blast was so strong that it was sent spiraling into the distance, never to be seen again. The imp seemed to be forlorn at the notion of letting "Heather" slip through his grasp. Nevertheless, he pulled himself together, his eyebrows knitting together in annoyance. What had caused that sudden emanation of blinding light?

"Who the _fuck_ are they?" Blitzo snapped, wheeling around to glare at the window once more.

"Oh _no,"_ Moxxie shook his head in disbelief, "sir, those are cherubs!"

"The fuck is a cherub?" Millie asked Heather, who was standing up and smoothing off her dress.

"Well, from what I've learned as Stolas's secretary," the hellcat explained worriedly, "they're the equivalent of imps in heaven's society. I think it's safe to assume that they're here to prevent the target from killing himself!"

"Oh _hell_ no!" Blitzo snapped, whipping out his flintlock and rolling up his right sleeve, "Don't listen to—"

The furious imp stormed right through the window without a second thought, falling on his face in front of Lyle and the cherubs. Moxxie, Millie, and Heather exchanged concerned glances, opting to enter the mansion through the front door instead.

"Lyle Lipton," Moxxie began, "it is our—"

He paused, eying Blitzo, who was lying in front of the broken window, covered in glass shards. Millie and Heather entered the room as well, cringing at the sight of the extremely uncomfortable position that their boss was hunched into. Regardless, Moxxie cleared his throat and continued.

"Humble opinion that you should continue the process to...commit die."

"I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you're _old,"_ Millie remarked dryly, "and _gross."_

"Is that a _serious_ question?" replied the yellow sheep cherub, Keenie, snagging a pile of Lyle's money and throwing it like confetti, "He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world, and do so much _good_ with it, and be so fulfilled!"

"Mmm, no!" Lyle objected.

"He can pay for new hospitals and schools!" added the purple sheep cherub, Collin.

 _"Why_ won't you let me die?" Lipton whined, clenching the filthy sheets of his mattress.

"Aw, sounds like you need help offing yourself there, buddy," Blitzo interjected, turning and nodding at his employees, "Moxxie, Heather, what've we got for this fella?"

"I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas—"

"Oh, I have some cool Australian weapons, too!" Heather added, revealing a duffel bag full of her weapons, all of which were pink, "My family's been using these babies for decades! Spears, boomerangs...a few EpiPens, but those aren't weapons, they're more for emergencies..."

Heather set the back down, unsheathing her claws and flexing them.

"...the fearsome four, by which I mean my claws. Oh, and you can't beat the classics: throwing knives, hatchets, blow-darts, mallets, slingshots, sais, brass knuckles...yeah, I could go on all day. Did you have anything specific in mind? Because I probably have it."

"He's classier than _that!"_ Collin protested, pausing to remove the cocked assault weapon that Lyle had shoved into his mouth, "There are still _plenty_ of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!"

"Yeah, right!" Millie countered, "Smells like he ain't been out of bed in _months!"_

She took one whiff of Lyle and vomited, only proving her point. Moxxie rubbed her back in an effort to comfort her, similar to what she had done for him at Loo Loo Land.

"I'm just gonna take Millie's word for it," Heather smiled nervously, "but seriously, how blind do you have to be to _not_ comprehend that this man is crying blue murder to be...well, _murdered!"_

"What the fuck does that mean, crazy cat lady?" Lyle spat, "Speak English!"

"Well, compared to being called a 'furry'," Heather rolled her eyes sarcastically, making quotation marks with her hands, "getting labeled as a 'crazy cat lady' is much less insulting to me, so I thank you."

"Life can be beautiful at any age," insisted the third and final cherub, Cletus.

"And we'll show him!" Keenie piped up, prompting her comrades to cheer.

"No!" the I.M.P employees groaned, gripping their heads in frustration.

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

To begin their quest in convincing Lyle Lipton not to commit suicide, the cherubs wheeled his hospital bed towards a ledge, overlooking a lush lakeside valley. The glorious sights and sounds of earth's nature surrounded them; birds fluttered in the breeze, deer traversed the pines, and a cool breeze blew past, rattling the leaves on the trees.

"Look around, Lyle!" Cletus prompted the elderly man, "God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age or wealth!"

"If you were to end your life," Collin added, "you'd be missing all of this."

"Mmm hmm," Blitzo smirked at them, wearing what appeared to be a lion costume, "you gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?"

"That is _so inappropriate!"_ Keenie gasped, appalled.

"Oh, kiss our ass, prude!" Millie retorted, decked out in a fluffy pink-and-white cat suit and flipping her off.

"Speaking of 'asses'..." Blitzo stammered, his jaw dropping to the floor upon seeing Heather's second disguise of the day, which was arguably his favorite, _"holy shit."_

"Oh my goodness!" Cletus cried, "Somebody cover the woman up! That's too much cleavage!"

"O-oh dear!" Collin added, shielding himself with the hospital bed, "My eyes are burning!"

"What? I was already a hellcat to begin with!" Heather raised an eyebrow at the humanistic cherub, "It's not my fault the only outfit in my disguise closet that worked was the sexy bunny!"

"Can we _please_ get back to the task at hand?!" Moxxie asked, donning a tuxedo cat outfit.

"Anyway, take it from me," Blitzo continued, handing Lyle a pair of binoculars, "a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close."

In the field below the group, a small gathering of rabbits and squirrels were peacefully grazing in the field. However, said peace hardly lasted long enough for anyone to enjoy it. A pair of wolves darted towards their innocent prey, powerful pairs of jaws meeting flesh and crunching through solid bone. Blood and internal organs splattered everywhere, staining the once lush, green grass with a sickening shade of crimson.

"Oh no..." Lyle gaped at the scene in horror.

"S-stop looking!" Collin cried, attempting to tug the binoculars away from him.

"I can't stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!"

To make matters even worse, a hulking grizzly bear encroached on the carnage, slashing at one of the wolves with a set of razor-sharp claws. It slid across the field, drenched in its own blood, only managing to peer up at its attacker before it was to ruthlessly mauled, torn limb-from-limb just as it had done unto its own prey. However, much to the bear's misfortune, an enormous tree had been sawed free of its base and collapsed, brutally crushing even the muscular body of the beast beneath it.

The lumberjack behind the bear's death, however, was dangerously close to karma himself. A hive of wasps detached from an overhead tree branch, plunging towards the man's face and masking it in a world of pain. In addition to having his face mercilessly mutilated by the insects' incessant stinging, both of his arms were simultaneously sawed off by his own chainsaw, which he'd unintentionally hurled into the air upon having his head trapped within the hornets' nest. As if the over-the-top primal display couldn't get any worse, one of the deer roaming through the forest charged at the now-armless man, impaling him with all twelve branches of its horns.

Needless to say, Lyle and the cherubs were rooted into place, completely and utterly terrified by the barbaric display that they'd just had the displeasure to witness.

"Uh...let's go check out someplace else!" Cletus suggested nervously.

"Immediate Murder Professionals, one," Heather mused, winking at Blitzo, "cherubs, _jack shit."_

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"Oh Lord..." Lyle complained upon being dragged into a shopping mall, "where are we now? Let me perish!"

"We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for," Keenie replied, motioning towards a mall Santa, who was surrounded by an eager crowd of children, "childhood wonderment!"

"Why, look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin," Lyle observed, turning to Collin, "their-their joy comes from innocence unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It _is_ inspiring. Thank you for showing me this."

"Hey, dipshit!" Blitzo interjected from across the room, where he and his employees were stooping next to the mall Santa.

The imp and his posse were all decked out in Christmas-themed outfits to blend in with the mall employees. Blitzo and Millie were dressed as elves, while Moxxie and Heather had taken on the roles of their reindeer, a buck and doe of the species. Heather's deer outfit, as with her previous two, was designed to be flexible and skin-tight.

"Seriously, woman?!" Keenie glared at her, "Where do you keep getting these revealing outfits?! How much money do you waste on tacky, improper attire?!" 

"My mother dominates the fashion trade in Hell!" Heather smirked, "I get a shit-ton of sexy outfits like this for free!"

"Ah, cool," Blitzo remarked, blushing a little and tapping his pointer fingers together, "do you think you could get her to make some cool shit for me?"

"I'll keep you posted," the hellcat winked, flirtatiously motioning to him with finger-guns.

"Anywho...wanna see whose _lap_ you're sitting on?" Blitzo asked the child sitting on the mall Santa, smugly leaning in to rip off the costume.

To the horror of the swarm of kids present, "Santa" was revealed to be a very creepy middle-aged man, who had likely only been posing as the holiday icon to fuel an addiction of some kind. The children ran away screaming, and even Lyle had burst into tears, leaving the I.M.P victorious once again.

"Aaaand that's another victory for the Immediate Murder Professionals!" Heather declared, sassily planting a hand on her hip and fist-bumping Millie with the other, "We could keep this up all day, mates."

The red tabby hellcat plucked a candy cane off of a nearby Christmas tree, unwrapping it and giving it a sniff.

"Hmm...I wonder if these are any good?"

Instinctively, she gave the treat a lick very characteristic of a cat. She trilled in pleasure, dragging her tongue up the side of the candy cane, which made the cherubs uneasy and unintentionally turned Blitzo on.

 _"Oh_ my goodness," Collin shuddered, "what is she doing?"

"Mmm, what's the matter, you petty pastel pussies?" Heather shot them a shit-eating grin, her tongue seductively gliding across the surface of the peppermint stick, "Does this remind you of something... _scungy?"_

Moxxie and Millie chuckled in amusement, completely unaware of Blitzo's response to Heather's unusual innuendo display. Admittedly, he was starting to get a little hard...

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

The cherubs' third attempt to persuade Lyle not to end his life lead them to yet another ledge, this one at the edge of a popular location for the local adolescents. Several human-operated vehicles were parked nearby, occupied by couples who were making out in their front seats.

"Ugh, this place _reeks_ of teenagers!" Lyle complained, repulsed by the presence of young life around him.

"Lover's Lookout, sir!" Cletus replied gleefully, "We're here to remind you of life's possibly greatest joy of all."

"Money?" the elder prompted.

"No!" Collin corrected him, "Love."

"I've never been in love before," Lyle remarked, "I imagine it's quite nice."

"It's not too late, sir," Collin nodded, "you can still find—"

"Ha! Nice try, ugly."

The cherubs wheeled around, finding themselves face-to-face with the I.M.P team once again, all of whom had swapped their Christmas disguises for some very elegant princess dresses. Heather's was relatively similar to those of her coworkers, aside from the fact that the hem of her dress was uneven, displaying a fairly large portion of her legs, as well as the glittery pair of silver heels that she was wearing.

"At least that whorish cat is wearing a dress this time..." Keenie muttered, facepalming.

Moxxie and Millie gaped at the statement, glancing over at Heather to see how she would react to such an offensive statement. Heather's fur bristled with rage, but she stood silent, carefully considering the insult.

"You privileged pricks wouldn't know a whore if one of them fucked you in the ass!" Blitzo retorted, taking Heather's right hand in one palm and patting it with the other, "I hope your precious 'God' has enough sense to strike you three little _shitkickers_ down where you stand! Don't listen to that trifling hoe, Heather, you look beautiful. Like the spicy, badass feline you've always been."

Heather smiled at him gratefully, a light blush spreading across her cheeks as her fur began to flatten out. Upon realizing that the rest of the group was watching them, Blitzo pulled away, clearing his throat and whipping out a megaphone.

"Ahem! Anyway...hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would _fuck_ this old man?!"

Every single car in the lot punched the gas, speeding as far away from the location as quickly as humanly possible, leaving a very dejected Lyle Lipton behind. Once again, the trio of imps and their hellcat companion had reigned superior in their methods.

"You know, you three are so utterly c-cruel!" Collin stammered angrily, "We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!"

"Oh, and you three are so superior to us just because _we_ want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to _keel over dead!"_ Moxxie retorted, listing off the negative aspects of the I.M.P's target on one hand.

"Wow," Heather remarked, glancing over at Millie worriedly, "he really went brick shithouse on them for a minute there."

"You're making things too real now, Moxxie," Blitzo agreed, spritzing his underling with a bottle labeled "piss".

"That said," Heather continued, flipping off the cherubs with both hands, "score three for the I.M.P team! Ready to give up, ratbags?"


	13. S1 Episode 4: C.H.E.R.U.B (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The I.M.P and C.H.E.R.U.B continue their clash over Lyle Lipton's life. Upon the gang's return to Hell, Blitzo is forced to confront the tension between himself and a disgruntled employee before it's too late.

Out of options, the cherubs decided to resort to showing Lyle one of the most important aspects of human life and expression: the arts. Their destination of choice? The opera. On the stage in front of them was a pianist and a vocalist dressed as a unicorn-riding Viking, her braided red hair so long that it covered her eyes as she belted out the notes.

"Behold! The wonder of art and music!" Cletus motioned to the opera singer, "Something always there to comfort, entertain, and live for."

Meanwhile, above the stage, Heather, Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie were stalking the cherubs and Lyle intently, like jaguars about to spring from the bushes. Blitzo's tail even wavered back and forth as he shook his rump, which only made the comparison more accurate.

"Damn it," Heather muttered, "they pulled a quick fuck. Everyone knows that you can't beat the arts; they practically built society as we know it! Literally. You know, because everything in this room used to be a sketch on a blueprint. Why is it that I couldn't get my old high school to understand that argument?"

"She's got a point," Millie nodded, "so...how do we make this bad?"

"We can't," Moxxie shrugged, "there's literally nothing bad about opera. That's fact."

"Unless we ruin it somehow!" Blitzo suggested, snagging one of the stage lights and moving it away from the vocalist below.

When the opera singer attempted to skitter towards the spotlight, Blitzo slid it away from her once again, continuing to do so over and over and over again. The imp's actions slowly began to deteriorate the quality of the opera's performance, to the point where the cherubs and Lyle began to notice.

"She's not very good," the bedridden old man remarked, raising an eyebrow.

Blitzo cackled in the rafters, fiddling with the stage light in every direction on the stage imaginable. The other I.M.P assassins grinned maniacally; their relatively simple plan was going swimmingly. However, after a few minutes of meddling, tragedy struck like a thunderbolt. The spotlight wiggled free of its bearings, eliciting a collective gasp from the group as it crashed on top of the opera singer, crushing her beneath it. All that remained of her was a bloody mess.

Lyle, the cherubs, and the rest of the audience screamed in alarm, utterly horrified by the accidentally killing. The pianist on stage continued playing nervously, switching to a more morbid piece to add to the spectacle. The imps and hellcat gaped at what they were responsible for, but Blitzo shrugged it off, feeling accomplished.

"Well, at least we made it bad."

"That's it!" Cletus spat, finally fed up with the I.M.P's interference, "I have had it! You four monsters have messed with us enough!"

"W-we're just trying to do our j-j-job!" Collin stuttered.

"Well so are we," Moxxie retorted through gritted teeth.

 _"Enough!"_ Cletus bellowed, "We are savin' that shitty old man's life, whether he wants it or not!"

The cherubs summoned three angelic crossbows, aiming them at the imps and hellcat furiously.

"Oh, so _now_ you're admitting that he's shitty!" Heather sneered, "It took you long enough!"

"Well, someone wants that fucker dead, okay?" Blitzo noted, holding up a green gem-encrusted horse with a tiny hat, which read "mare-ajuana" as a joke, "And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this! So _he's gotta go!"_

"Blitz!" Heather objected, "Connie's gonna be so upset about this! You _know_ how she is about squandering the budget!"

"You are all such disgusting, loathsome beasts!" Keenie interjected, hovering over Blitzo threateningly, "Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now you're trying to meddle with the lives of _humans?!"_

"So are you!" Millie barked back, "So why don't you shut your trap, you judgmental, cotton candy tit-halfin' _bitch!"_

"Well at least I don't dress like that immoral, dick-sucking furball that you little shits call your friend!" Keenie shot back, glaring at Heather, "She's such an erratic prude that even the lowest of the low wouldn't hook up with her, _let alone_ touch her with a ten-and-a-half-foot pole!"

 _"You two-faced fucking stuck-up cunt!"_ Heather hissed, every hair of her fur standing on end, _"I've giving you three goddamn seconds to take that back before I maul your fuckwitted, skanky, tight-arsed galah-crawler ass!"_

Never before had such a slew of Australian obscenities escaped through Heather's teeth and lips. Even Blitzo was blown away by what he just heard. He knew from experience that never under any circumstance should you make Heather mad, because you'd hardly be alive long enough to regret it.

Heather hardly ever lost her temper, but on the rare occasions that she did, the hellcat was absolutely _terrifying._ Her rage was explosive; unrivaled by even Princess Stella, especially when her practically nonexistent romantic life was being blamed on account of her appearance.

"Why don't you come over here and _make me?!"_ the yellow sheep cherub spat without even thinking, "You filthy _bitch!"_

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 _"One..."_ Heather growled, dropping onto all fours.

"Okay, guys, you stay back," Blitzo warned his imp employees, "she's gonna explode!"

_"Two!"_

"What are you talking about?!" Keenie prompted, "She's just a slutty...feline..."

A very poor choice of words, and the sheep cherub knew she'd only aggravated the situation further as Heather's eyes faded into chaotic mode, staining them pitch-black with hazel irises. She unsheathed her claws, her voice now laced with a chilling, almost autotuned undertone.

**"Three."**

Heather pounced at Keenie, who narrowly ducked out of the way in time, sending Heather skidding across the metal bridge of the rafters. Regardless, she remained on her feet, bounding towards the yellow cherub in a blinding fury. Keenie dove at Millie to extract her revenge on a less primal target, and thus, a clash of otherworldly proportions ensued.

Collin and Cletus took the opportunity to begin firing their own crossbows at Blitzo and Moxxie, who whipped out their pistols and began firing back at their pursuers. While they were running, Moxxie spotted his wife and Keenie rolling off of the steel platform, tumbling down towards the stage and pummeling each other.

Thinking quickly, Moxxie grabbed onto a nearby rope, which was fastened to the railing, and jumped after her. He used his pistol to shoot a nearby sandbag free of its moorings, sending it crashing into Keenie. As the cherub plummeted, he swooped in and saved Millie, who shot him a seductive grin. The sounds of the opera; the firing of bullets and arrows; all seemed like the perfect environment to encompass their love.

So they decided to multitask, spraying bullets around them as they made out on the rope. While being targeted by Collin, who had followed them to avenge Keenie.

Meanwhile, in the rafters, Cletus was screaming and running for his life as Heather chased them up and down the walkways. At last, she managed to corner the humanoid cherub, bearing her fangs and growling like a rabid tiger. Blitzo watched on in awe, ducking behind a metal barrier to prevent himself from being shot by accident as the gunshots continued to ring out all across the theater. Unfortunately, he failed to notice a single stray bullet, which was heading his way at the speed of a torpedo.

Alerted to the imp's impending doom, Heather abandoned the pair of quivering cherubs, her feet pounding against the steel floor to save him.

"Blitz!" she shouted, the intense fear gripping her body diminishing her chaotic mode at once, "Look out! _Move!"_

"What?" Blitzo called out to her, gasping as he realized much too late that the bullet was headed his way.

At the last possible second, Heather shoved the imp out of the way, adrenaline still pumping through her veins. There was a sharp pain in her side, and just as swiftly as she had taken the bullet, she dropped to her knees, grunting in pain. Blitzo, still reeling from the shock of being shoved aside, slowly pulled himself off the ground, sighing in relief.

"Phew! That was close. Thanks for the save, Hea—"

The second he caught sight of Heather, his heart practically stopped. She was keeling over in pain, a black liquid dripping from a gun wound below her left rib cage. Her hazel eyes widened in panic as she clutched the area where the stray bullet had penetrated. The wound was bleeding rapidly, quickly draining away any and all of her remaining strength. Hardly a moment later, the hellcat collapsed.

For the first time while on a mission, Blitzo had witnessed his best friend being shot. She had sacrificed herself to save _him._

"Holy shit, Heather!" Blitzo gasped, slinking to her side so as to avoid being caught in another flurry of bullets.

The imp rolled Heather onto her back, carefully sliding her head into his lap and stroking her whiskers in an effort to get the hellcat to regain consciousness.

"Heather?"

The hellcat didn't respond. Her body had gone completely limp; devoid of life in every aspect imaginable. Blitzo pressed the side of his head to Heather's chest, gasping as he realized that she didn't have a heartbeat. He pulled away, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Come on, Heather," Blitzo encouraged, his voice breaking, "you can do it. And then we can kill that old son of a bitch already. And we can go back to the office and I'll drive everyone home and we can go over to your place and watch _Spirit_ and—"

He stiffened, feeling something wet roll down his face and hurriedly wiping it away with a sniffle. There was no way in Hell that he would let one of those cherubs catch him crying, much less one of his coworkers.

"Please get up, Heather..."

A lustrous green aura spread across the red tabby hellcat's body like a mystical wildfire amongst her fur, engulfing her in a cocoon of light. The bullet wound in Heather's side began to glow, the edges smoothing over with an accompanying glow, which caught Blitzo off guard. Suddenly, he realized what was happening.

Heather was being stripped of one of her seven lives.

At long last, the aura faded away, leaving her body as if she'd never been shot in the first place. Her eyelids fluttered open, and she gasped for air, bolting upright in alarm.

"Bloody hell..." she muttered, "did I just lose my first life? What happened—?"

Blitzo cut her off, yanking her into an almost crushing hug in a state of profound relief.

"Satan's fuck, Heather, don't ever do that again! You scared me shitless!"

"Ack, Blitz, I appreciate the gesture, but I can't breathe—!" Heather wheezed, managing a smile in his firm grip.

"Oh, sorry," Blitzo apologized, releasing her to cup her cheek fur in his hands, "but seriously, I thought you were dead. Like, forever! Why would you throw yourself in harm's way like that?!"

"What was I supposed to do, let you die?" Heather shrugged, raising an eyebrow at him, "Blitz, I care about you too much to not have taken that bullet. Besides I can take a few lethal hits now and then. _You_ can't. You're the one who has a daughter to worry about."

"Okay, fair," Blitzo shrugged, "just, please...don't do that again. You're gonna give me a heart attack one of these days..."

"So are you," Heather rolled her eyes playfully, giving him a gentle nudge, "come on, we have some cherubs to squish. Especially that piss-colored sheep. She's a bitch."

"Yeah she is," Blitzo smirked, brandishing his flintlock and tugging Heather along, "let's go pump her guts full of lead!"

"Oh no you don't!" Cletus objected, darting in front of them and aiming his crossbow between their foreheads, "This ends now!"

"Okay, drongo," Heather hissed, whipping out a pink pistol, "let's dance!"

The three met in a standoff above a set of stage lights, engaging in rapid gunfire. However, their luck quickly ran out as soon as the ammunition of both Blitzo's flintlock and Heather's pistol ran dry, leaving them at the mercy of the cherub's crossbow...or so he thought. In an act of desperation, Blitzo chucked his gun at Cletus's face, causing him to accidentally shoot the rack of lights loose.

"Ugh!" the humanoid cherub spat, "You fucker!"

The rack of lights crashed onto the stage, dragging Blitzo, Heather, Moxxie, and Millie down with it. They landed on the stage behind the pianist, arching the planks of wood on which the instrument stood due to the weight imbalance. Sensing that it would be a wise decision to move, the pianist simply dropped his stool to safety, jumping on top of it. Unfortunately, this sent the piano flying through the air, and at long last, it crash-landed on top of Lyle Lipton, ending his life once and for all.

"Well, well, would you look at that," Moxxie remarked smugly, _"you_ did our job for us. Heh!"

The cherubs gasped, panicking amongst themselves while the imps exchanged celebratory, sinister grins. Mission accomplished. Not in a notably successful manner, but still fairly accomplished nonetheless.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my God—" Collin sputtered, his hooves gripping his face.

 _"Get ahold of yourself, Collin!"_ Keenie scolded him, giving him several slaps across the face, "And do _not_ use the Lord's name in vain!"

"This isn't over!" Cletus shouted at the I.M.P assassins.

Keenie created a heavenly portal and the three flew through it, only to be mysteriously repelled back on the opera stage.

"What the?!" Cletus protested, aghast at the fact that neither he nor his employees could enter the portal.

A group of cherubs descended from the portal, consisting of two bees, two sheep and Deerie, who, as her name suggested, was the doe leader of the group. The deer conjured a pair of glasses and a clipboard, addressing the humanoid cherub and his posse in a very smug and condescending tone.

"Yeah, no, sorry Cletus, but I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no."

"What?!" the C.H.E.R.U.B trio gasped, huddling together in fear.

"Yeah, um, sorry..." Deerie chuckled, indifferent to their despair, "yeah, no."

"Is there _anything_ we can do?" Collin pleaded.

"Yeah, no!" the doe cherub replied, filing her hoof before pointing at each of the three banished cherubs individually, "Oh no, no no. Oh, no, no."

"But...we didn't mean to!" Keenie protested, pointing below her at the fallen set of stage lights, "We'd never! It was all—"

However, the I.M.P assassins that she was about to blame had vanished, having departed via the grimoire's portal just moments prior. With no proper source of blame, C.H.E.R.U.B was doomed to remain banned from heaven for all time and eternity.

"Anyway, sorry guys," Deerie shrugged innocently, disappearing back into the heavenly portal alongside her posse, "but those are the rules, yeah! Bye!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"Well, the old man wanted to live again," Blitzo addressed his fellow assassins back at I.M.P HQ, "and we didn’t kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he’s probably up in Heaven now."

The imp strolled across the conference room, peering out of the gaping hole in the wall to view the city skyline.

"So it’s a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fucking up. Not to mention that Heather lost one of her seven lives today in saving my ass from a stray bullet."

"Well, the good news is that none of us _actually_ died," Heather shrugged, "the bad news is that Blitzo already spent the client's prepaid kill money on a toy horse. So now he's gonna be twice as pissed, and so is Connie."

"Sir," Moxxie intrigued, "when are you going to tell the client?"

"Oh, I already sent him a text," Blitzo replied, pointing at an ongoing chat on his hellphone, "we're in good hands, because texts don't make people angry."

"You're kidding, right?" Heather raised an eyebrow at him, "Do you have any idea how many angry texts I exchanged with my ex-boyfriend Thomas a few days before we broke up? It only made things worse because he didn't have the balls to communicate face-to-face."

Mere seconds later, Loopty Goopty descended into the conference room on an escalator, ruining the wall yet again. Thankfully, Moxxie narrowly managed to leap out of the way in time, wiping his brow in relief.

"Blitz!" he greeted in an almost insane singsong voice.

"Loofa! We can explain everything," Blitzo began nervously, "I was—"

Before he could continue, a second escalator crashed through what little remained of the west wall, crushing Moxxie beneath it. Lyle Lipton rolled into the room, now a robotic demon version of himself, similar to that of his former partner.

"Lyle Lipton?!" Blitzo, Heather, and Millie remarked at the same time.

"I don't understand," Millie shrugged, "we thought you went to Heaven."

"Heaven?" Lyle scoffed, "You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor!"

"Oh, you no-good heartless son of a bitch!" Loopty nudged his old friend, turning to Blitzo, "Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!"

"So...that means I didn't take a bullet for nothing after all!" Heather chuckled nervously, "But seriously, it hurt like a bitch. I could definitely do without that next time."

"The only question now is," Lyle pondered aloud, "what do two genius robotic inventors do now that we’re in Hell?"

"Did someone say, I say, inventors?" a tall, lanky imp with slender horns leapt through one of the only remnants of the wall, "Name’s Wally Wackford, and I am looking for creative new people to exploit…I mean employ."

"Everyone, _stop_ fucking up my walls!" Blitzo snapped, "Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit!"

Moxxie groaned from beneath the elevator he was trapped beneath, foaming at the mouth.

"Oh, chill out, Moxxie," Blitzo waved off his suffering, "if you kiss my ass any harder, you’ll go right inside me. Satan’s balls, first we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?"

"Can you stop making jabs at him?!" Heather groaned, facepalming, "One of us literally _died_ for you today, let's not make poor Moxxie do the same!"

"I guess you can say, you say," Wally teased, "you have a _hole-y_ operation here, Blitzo!"

"Get out," Blitzo ordered, clearly not amused.

"I said 'o'!" Wally repeated, cackling on the floor.

"No, I’m serious," Blitzo bellowed, "get the _fuck_ out!"

•─────⋅☾ ☽⋅─────•

"Well, now that _that's_ over," Blitzo growled, still glaring at the gaping holes in the conference room wall, "let's worry about fixing this shit. I swear to Satan, if our next client decides to bust down our wall instead of using the door like a normal fucking person, I'm gonna charge them double for the damages!"

"Uh, aren't you forgetting something... _important,_ Blitz?!" Heather rolled her eyes, pointing over to where Moxxie was lying beneath a pile of rubble.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that," the imp snapped his fingers, "hey Heather, you got any of those 'powers' of yours on hand for this?"

"Fortunately for poor Moxxie, yes," the hellcat nodded, her eyes transitioning to chaotic mode at will, **"we're in the Pride Ring, so I think my aura powers should get the job done. Hang in there, Mox!"**

Moxxie only groaned in response, practically foaming at the mouth from the pressure. Heather knew she had to act fast if she was to save him from suffocation, so she held up her hands, causing a bright red aura to radiate from her palms. She swiftly shaped the auras into a sphere, which hovered between her hands; one above and one below the shape.

 **"Stand back, you two,"** she warned Blitzo and Millie, **"I'm an experienced professional!"**

"Oooh!" Millie remarked, awestruck by the hellcat's power, "Pretty!"

With a swift and precise twirl, Heather sent the orb flying in the direction of the rubble, sending it crashing into it. Upon impact, the remnants of the escalator shattered into a thousand pieces, raining out of the gaping hole in the wall and freeing the helpless imp from beneath it. He gasped for air, rolling over onto his back in relief. Millie rushed to his side, checking his vitals to ensure that he was okay. Thankfully, it looked like he was.

"That. Was. Fucking. Amazing!" Blitzo gasped, sliding in front of Heather, his face lighting up as he fawned over what he'd just witnessed, _"You're_ amazing! I wish I could do stuff like that. It would make killing a hell of a lot easier."

"Heh, you think so?" Heather blushed, her eyes returning to their normal state, "Thanks. Unfortunately, I can't do that in the living world, because I need to be in one of the Rings to have access to my chaotic mode powers."

"Aw, don't be so modest," the imp shrugged, "but you know, you pull off every mission pretty well, even without those badass powers. And you're hella good at pulling off disguises!"

"You're not too bad yourself!" Heather giggled, rubbing her neck nervously, "I mean, the dress was...and the cat costume...don't take this the wrong way, but I think you looked kinda cute. I mean, you always do, but...ah, you get what I mean, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I had fun with—" Blitzo paused, blinking in surprise, "wait, you think I'm cute?"

"Huh? Oh, sure!" the red tabby hellcat chuckled, giving her best friend a gentle nudge with her elbow, "I do."

"Y-yeah?" Blitzo retorted playfully, tapping Heather's nose with the arrowhead tip of his tail, "Well, _you're_ cute!"

Thank Satan that his skin was already crimson. Everyone in the room would've known that he was blushing.

"Oh, stop," Heather mused, glancing over the imp's shoulder at Moxxie and Millie, "is he okay, Mills? Does he need first aid?"

"Nah, he's alright," Millie replied, planting a kiss on her recuperating husband's forehead, "my little Moxx Moxx is tough as nails!"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Moxxie nodded, pulling himself to his feet, "thanks, Heather."

"Don't mention it," the hellcat replied, "okay, I'm gonna go get some supplies to help us rebuild the wall. I'll be right back."

Heather turned and started for the door, but she paused just before reaching for the door handle, feeling Blitzo's eyes on her. She glanced over her shoulder at him, smiling, her tail flicking to beckon him to join her.

"Do you...wanna come with? I could use the extra help."

"Huh? Oh, sure!" the imp nodded avidly, rushing over to hold open the door for Heather, "After you, milady!"

Heather nodded at him gratefully, and the pair strode down the hallway together. However, they were caught off guard by what sounded like a wet sniffle. They stopped, listening for a minute longer, and realized that it was coming from the room to their left. Judging by the label on the door, that could only mean one thing. Someone was crying in the employee bathroom.

"Wait...Moxxie and Millie are in the conference room," Heather noted, peering into the lounge for a moment before continuing, "and Loona's still at reception. So that means...oh sweet Satan. I think that might be Connie."

"Huh, you're right," Blitzo nodded, "but why is she so upset? Do you think something happened while we were sparring with those fucking C.H.E.R.U.B dipshits?"

"I don't know," Heather sighed.

Suddenly, Loona rounded a corner in the hallway, her blood-red eyes locked on Blitzo in a menacing glare. Her lips were curled into a snarl, and even Heather cringed at the sight of her. The hellhound was _not_ happy. _Not at all._

"I hope you're satisfied with yourself, Blitz!" Loona snapped, "Do you have any _fucking idea_ what you're doing to poor Connie?!"

"I...what?" Blitzo blinked at her, confused and offput.

"She told me this morning that she was thinking of quitting!" the hellhound continued, practically blinded by her fury, "To make matters worse, she disappeared after that phone call she took when you left the office! I haven't seen or heard from her for _hours!"_

"Loona..." Blitzo began, "listen, I—"

"No, _you_ listen to _me!"_ Loona spat, "If you don't grow a dick and be the bigger man for once, she's gonna leave! And I'll have to sit at that stupid desk in the lounge, alone, for the rest of my life! Was all that stupid shit you blew the budget on over the years really worth more than the best employee you've ever had?!"

"No! Of course not!" Blitzo cried out, "Don't worry, Loonie, we'll find her. Just sit tight."

"Whatever," Loona, growled, storming off, "you better."

"Okay, this is serious," Heather admitted, turning to Blitzo after the hellhound had departed, "I think you should go in there and talk to Connie."

"What? Me?" the imp raised an eyebrow at her, "Why me? I thought she didn't like me. I mean, she wants to quit."

"All the more reason," Heather explained, "listen, from what I've observed, she probably thinks that _you_ don't like _her._ Now more than ever, this is a good time to change that."

"Oh, I don't know, Heather," the imp objected, fiddling with the skull emblem on his coat, "maybe we should get someone else to handle this one."

"Blitz, you've always cared for your employees like they're family," Heather continued, looking him directly in the eye, "why would Connie be any different? Please, just _try_ to see eye-to-eye with her. You might even find some common ground. Besides, what have you got to lose?"

The hellcat had Blitzo there. Based on his status with Connie, he really _didn't_ have anything to lose. Truth be told, he'd been wanting to establish a better work relationship with his employee ever since she'd stood up for him during his argument with Loona on the beach. However, the imp had found himself at a loss of circumstances in which to do so, especially considering that he'd squandered even more company resources just hours beforehand in shooting multiple spare televisions within the conference room. And oh, had _that_ pissed Connie off.

Regardless, the pleading eyes that Heather was giving him, in addition to desire to make up for his shortcomings with Connie, were enough to convince him to give the suggestion a chance.

"Alright, Heather," Blitzo caved, "I'll try my best. But I can't promise anything."

"You don't have to," Heather assured him, turning to head to the storage room, "just listen to what she has to say. There's nothing more important in the two-way street of mutual respect than honest, open communication. I'll start lugging the supplies for the wall-rebuilding upstairs. You can come and help us when you're done. Good luck, Blitz."

The imp nodded, watching the hellcat depart before releasing a pent-up sigh. There was no way in all of Hell itself that this conversation was going to be easy.

"Okay..." Blitzo muttered, "here goes nothing."

He knocked on the bathroom door twice, but there was no answer.

"Connie? Are you the one crying in there?"

There was another wet sniffle, but still no definitive answer.

"Alright, I hope you're decent," Blitzo warned the occupant, "because I'm coming in."

The imp slowly creaked open the door, peering into the bathroom for a moment before stepping inside, gently shutting it behind him. Sure enough, Connie was in there, sobbing on the black bench in front of the stalls. Her eyeliner was running like crazy; she had a pair of red headphones on, blasting a rather depressing song called "Boy Who Has Everything", which explained why she hadn't heard Blitzo knock in the first place.

However, Connie quickly picked up on Blitzo's entry, sniffling and hurriedly turning off both the music and her headset, sliding the latter down to hang over her neck.

"Ugh...*sniff* d-don't look at me. Nothing's occupied, so you can do your b-business."

"That's fine and all," Blitzo shrugged, slowly approaching the crying hellcat, "but it's not the reason I came in here."

"Then why _did_ you?"

The imp sighed, seating himself beside Connie, who was staring at the floor, intentionally avoiding eye contact with her boss. Clearly, their conversation was off to a rocky start.

"Hey," Blitzo prompted, cautiously reaching over to pat Connie's left thigh, "what's wrong?"

"Oh, why do you care?" Connie muttered, "Nothing I say _ever_ matters to you. I gave up trying to get you to listen to me weeks ago..."

"Well, I'm listening now," Blitzo replied calmly, "is that why you're so upset?"

"No...yes...I don't know," the blue lynx-point hellcat shrugged, wiping her eyes, which were red and puffy from crying, "my entire day has been so fucked up..."

"Welcome to the club," Blitzo murmured, hoping to get at least a chuckle out of Connie, but to no avail, "anyway...what happened?"

"Do you _promise_ that you're gonna listen this time?" Connie sniffled.

"Of course. My attention is yours."

"Alright..." Connie began, "you know those other five sperm that Vortex donated to me? Some dumbass at the fertility clinic was fucking around in the back and dropped the vials. They shattered all over the place and got ruined! And the first insemination didn't get me pregnant, so that means..."

She broke down sobbing again, burying her face in her knees and clutching them closer to her.

"I have to start the whole damn process all over again! And I already wasted $2,000 plus a bunch of fees on the first attempt!"

"Wait, what?" Blitzo gasped, "You can't get more sperm from that hellhound guy?"

"No...I can't!" Connie cried, "Blitz, Vortex had those sperm preserved before he started dating his girlfriend. He only wanted to donate once, in case he hooked up with someone after that. I'm not pressuring him to donate again just for my sake; he's such a nice guy, and he's done more than enough for me already..."

She paused, brushing her hair out of her face before continuing bitterly.

"So now I'm back to square one. I'll probably have to wait, because I already blew my baby fund on the first attempt. But I might never be able to save up enough to rebuild it, because you're just gonna keep ripping through our paychecks anyway...airing shitty TV commercials, posting horribly-spelled billboards without consulting me first, even though that's my job, _shooting our spare TVs."_

"I was bored," Blitzo shrugged, "what else was I supposed to do?"

"Hmmm, what else could you have done?!" Connie snapped, tears spilling down her cheeks again, "You could always start planning the budget better! Or allot my department enough money to publish advertisements! Or—here's an idea—actually let me do my job! The job that you hired me for, but never think I'm competent enough to handle?!"

The hellcat sighed, forcing herself to calm down.

"I'm sorry, Blitz. When I first accepted this job through a recommendation from Loona, never in a _million years_ did I expect to end up in this situation, especially when I need my hard-earned money more than ever in order to start a family. But it just makes me wonder...why? Why do you even keep me around if you don't want to listen to my ideas? I just...I don't understand. Is it me? Do you not want to fire me, so you're trying to make me quit so you can get rid of me?"

"What? No no no no," Blitzo shook his head, placing a reassuring hand on Connie's shoulder, "I'd never want to get rid of you, Connie, never in a million years. In this office, we're a family, and we don't get rid of family. I thought you would believe me when I said that."

Connie sighed, finally bringing herself to make eye contact with the imp.

"Admittedly, I wasn't thinking of how you or anyone else felt about me spending the budget," Blitzo admitted, "but now that I can see how much it's hurting a loyal employee like you...I think you're on to something. Maybe we _do_ need to make some changes around here, more specifically on my end."

"So...so you actually do care?" Connie intrigued, wiping her eyes again, "You're not just saying that to shut me up?"

"Of course not," Blitzo continued, "based on how you've been feeling towards me, it's obvious that I don't say this enough, but...you're a valuable member of our team, Connie. Always have been, and always will be. I guess I just got so caught up in wanting to be the best in the business that I completely disregarded the creative insight of one of my best employees."

"You mean that?"

"Yep," the imp nodded, flashing the hellcat an encouraging smile, "I really do. And I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry that I've been stealing your thunder for quite some time now. I'll tell you what. How about after we finish rebuilding the conference room wall, we finally review those magazine ads that you put together. Would you like that?"

For a moment, Connie almost seemed at a loss of words for what was happening. However, a huge grin spread across her face, and she did something that Blitzo had never expected her to do: she hugged him.

"More than anything!" Connie chuckled in relief, "I...I don't know what to say. Thank you! Thank you so much, Blitz!"

"Don't thank me yet, Connie," Blitzo smiled, returning the gesture, "I'll prove it to you. Just...remind me before I forget, okay? I have a lot on my mind, too, and I don't wanna fuck things up with you again."


End file.
